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Nowhere else i can turn
I wrote a really really long post to explain but deleted it after how pathetic it sounded. I need to realise that people don't need the details of my story because most people read 'i'm grieving over a dead pet' and then move on to the next post thinking 'get some real problems'.
I'm 22, my cat was born the same month and year as me (we got him when he and i were 2). I grew up with him and i can honestly say i have never cared about any human as much as i cared for and loved my cat. Sometimes it was comical how close we were and sometimes it was pathetic. When i'm home he was always right next to me. At night he had his side of the bed, his head would be on my pillow and body under the sheets and i've been programmed to wake up at half 4 to let him out.
Unfortunately he was put down Wednesday morning. For a while now he's been losing weight and deciding to go to the toilet in the house. On Tuesday, after a daily visit from the shits he did another one to which i pretty much ordered my mum to take him to the vet. I knew the vet would say he's old and hasn't got long but i truly thought mum would bring him back so i could atleast have my last peaceful days with him to spoil him and be with him at the vets as he went to sleep on Friday as i had a day off. As i left for work i thought to myself 'you should tell her to bring him back alive, just incase' but i also thought mum wouldn't do that.
I can't explain anymore because its pathetic, i feel guilty for him having to die in the arms of someone who never cared about him, i feel angry because i couldn't have my last day with him and to get used to it and i feel incredibly sad because my best friend, the furry lump that has been the center of my attention for almost 21 years isn't here.
At 22 years old i'm almost ashamed to say that i cried myself to sleep last night and that my dreams were all about him, i woke up believing he was still alive until the harsh reality hit. I had managed to go a few hours this evening without tears but as soon as the lights are out and i'm laid in bed without a warm furball next to me i turn into a child again who can't stop crying and can't stop thinking what if, what if. I really need to sleep tonight because i need brain power to get through tomorrow but i also don't want to sleep and have dreams again and wake up believing he's sat outside my door waiting for me to wake up.
This post isn't so much just to vent, although it may seem like it. I am genuinely quite worried about my mental health. When i had to put my other cat down a couple years ago i relapsed with my drinking, drug taking and self harming, even with the comfort of my cat. I've already relapsed with my drinking, my attempt to give up smoking is on hold and God, my urges to harm are going crazy!!
I had to come here and post this because i'm really hoping there's someone out there who knows exactly the loss i'm feeling or atleast doesn't think i'm being pathetic.
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