Lost and alone

lostandlonely84 · 09-02-2012, 09:20 PM

I would do anything to go back in time and change things. I am so tempted to get rid of facebook. Too many memories. Everyone is so happy with family and kids. Its like a slap in the face. It will be 10 yrs since i graduated high school and I haven't gotten anywhere in life. I don't even know what I want. I tried school and failed numerous times. My parents are done paying for it I could barely sit thru class due to the paranoia and racing thoughts. I can't seem to hold a job. I would love to be able to work full time again. Thank god for ssdi. I don't know how i would pay for drs appts and meds. There are so many things I regret. Part of me doesn't even want to stick around. I want to runaway and start over but that's hard to do when your broke. My parents are great and still allow me to live at home but i know i am a burden.

I know I am doing better than I used to be. I haven't si'd since aug of 08 but it seems to be getting harder and harder to go without. I hate the fact that I will be on meds the rest of my life just to keep the bipolar and borderline under control. I know if i go back to si it won't be good but at least I would feel like I am in control. My friends say they are there and if I ever need to talk they are only a phone call or a short drive away. I don't want to burden anyone else. They all have family's and have their own stuff going on. The last thing they need or i want is for them to worry about me. I feel so alone. I am not sure what to do anymore. Even on my great days when i feel stable i still don't want to be here anymore. Its a thought that's always there. I would never act on it but it still bugs me. I am almost 28 and I really don't want to be around another 5 yrs. I know I don't have a choice. Therapy helps but the main things that are haunting me from my past I can't even bring up. She will judge me even tho i pay her not too. Its embarrassing and if I bring it up I know it will make the whole living the rest of my life and staying si free impossible.

I just don't know how to go on and make this life livable. I just wish I didn't feel so alone. Sorry for the rambling I felt like I was going to explode.

Seraphsigh · 10-02-2012, 07:34 AM

I know that feeling about not wanting to have your therapist judge you. It holds me back a lot as well. There are so many things I want to tell you, but you'll think they are all BS, I'm sure, since I remember feeling exactly that way not too long ago. It's better to be alive and at least entertaining the idea of a future while living at home, than living at home and just relishing the whole experience of not doing anything. I guess what I'm saying is that, as lame as it sounds, it's good that you are worried about all of this, because if it wasn't important to you, you wouldn't be. You are not a burden to your family. Families are there to support you, even if it doesn't seem like that all of the time.
It's hard when friends tell you they are "there" for you but you know they don't understand or you feel there is a limit to their patience. I struggle with that too. How could someone possibly understand being perfectly happy yet wanting to die? How could they understand SI or even former SI and whats more accept you for it? Even if they understand, what's the limit on how much information they can take?
It's hard, but not impossible. Sorry to ramble to you so much, but I can't place exactly what I want to say to you...it's just that I want you to know that there is a future for you, and there are friends to be had in many capacities that will try to understand you and that you can feel comfortable around.
As for therapy, have you considered telling your therapist that you believe he/she will judge you based on your undisclosed past? As social humans, they will usually say "oh, no, I would never do that", but as a therapist it may allow them to help you in different ways, knowing that you feel that way. Sometimes things that seem obvious to us, others are completely oblivious to.

Anyway, I'll stop now. Just wanted you to know that I read your post and am definitely rooting for you to make it a) out of your family's house and b) longer than five years (preferably fifty).

love,

D'Arcy

crazychick26 · 10-02-2012, 11:14 PM

When you said "My friends say they are there and if I ever need to talk they are only a phone call away, I don't want to burden anyone else. They all have family's and have their own stuff going on. I can relate to that, i have a few friends that i dont want to burden by saying things about how i am feeling incase they think im stupid... The thought of s.i is always at the back of my mind, eveyday i wake up i always have the thought of cutting, nothing triggers it off sometimes, i just feel that i want to cut... like right now i want to cut myself but coming on here and writing this on here is helping me to forget about doing it for now... i might do it later tho.... i dont want too but my mood right now is pretty ****, im missing all my loved ones and people i care about right now like my best friend... she has health problems of her own and i dont like to say too much about the way i feel incase she dont want to know... or incase she just agrees with me but really she dont care... :( x

The last thing they need or i want is for them all to worry about me. I feel so alone all the time. I am not sure what to do anymore. Even on good days when i feel ok i still don't want to be here anymore. Its a thought that's always there. I would never act on it but it still bugs me"... i know exactly how you feel on that too... just dunno what to do????

hermit · 12-02-2012, 05:59 AM

I so understand wanting to hit rewind and get a do-over on life. Often I am there myself.

What is vital for me is to try to live in the present - I can't do anything about the past, so dwelling in it and punishing myself for it doesn't help - Tomorrow isn't here yet, and worrying will not change a thing. All any of us really have is now - this moment in time.

I know that's probably not much help - and I am still trying to get myself to do it... but try to focus on now, rather than winding up in past and future.

lostandlonely84 · 20-02-2012, 11:25 PM

Ok so this is now the 5th time I have typed this response. I really hope this one posts.

Thanks so much for the responses. By then end of reading them I was in tears. They meant a lot. I don't feel so alone. Not that I would want anyone to go thru this. I wish I had a magic lamp from Aladdin and I would wish mental illness away.

Now that I have read and talked to some people online I know that i am not the only one with the thought of not wanting to be around even if its the best day or week.

I talked to my therapist she told me to write it down. But not sure how much that will help. Yes its eating me alive but at the same time I don't think I can handle saying it out loud and stay safe. Its been so long since i last si'd she told me if I go back there is something seriously wrong and even tho she hates hospitals she won't have a choice. She used to work in one and knows its just an escape they put you on meds and ship you out. There is no therapy to talk about why your there in the first place.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Could be triggering

Thanks again for the responses.

hermit · 21-02-2012, 04:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostandlonely84

I wish I had a magic lamp from Aladdin and I would wish mental illness away.

I could use one of those myself. Hang in there.