family history of mental health issues... help me?

[bluegeranium]

This is hard for me to write. I sometimes post on the SH board but recently I feel I should come here. There have been a lot of strange things going on in my life and I wondered if any of you could add insight, be able to offer help in some way.
I have a family history of mental health issues and am afraid of getting help. I always knew I was the different child of my family but being homeschooled and being away from others my age, I never had to be diagnosed or treated for anything relating to school.
I have always struggled with depression, anxiety and obsessive tendencies that have haunted me through my childhood to now, college years. I was severely depressed this past summer and find my panic attacks have increased with a lot of good life changes that have happened to me. Bullying has gotten worse than usual at my university, but I am not sure what exactly is triggering these recent episodes where I feel I am 'mental'. Last night was the worst.
Sometimes I get urges to cut (although I never go through with it), alarming things that would hurt me. I never hurt myself too badly but it takes everything I have to stop myself from doing so. Last night I was being driven home and tried several times to open the car door and jump. I don't know why. After an especially hard day of being bullied constantly because I am quiet and overlooked a lot of the time, I felt as though I had to hurt myself. I didn't want to. My husband held me in but I don't remember much of the ride home, just me crying and trying to go for the door a number of times while the car was moving.
It got worse at home. I feel disoriented when these episodes happen. I feel scared and as though I am falling apart. I was dizzy and I remember my husband holding me close as I asked him to hurt me. I must have repeated the phrase 'I need you to' for close to an hour. I couldn't stop saying it. It scared me so much. I ended up crying and feeling scared most of the night. I feel so out of control.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I have always dealt with anxiety in some forms as a child but my parents were so afraid of medicating me.
I admit I am exceptionally smart and have always been ahead of most kids in my age group. I remember when I was small I refused to take medication for ADHD because it messed with my head too much. I would feel sleepy/uncreative and stupid.
I guess my main reason for posting this is, does this sound normal to you? I don't know what normal is anymore and need help.
I tried to get into my school's counseling services but they are full already.
I'm so scared of what my mind thinks of and what I feel like it wants to do although it's not coming from me at all.

[offlineforever]

There seem to be a lot of issues going on for you at the moment.

Is the main reason that you are afraid of getting help due to the fact that you have a family history of MH issues? Because I have found that they MH professionals find it useful to help you to know these sorts of things in the long term. I was always told by my family that I was the first to have MH issues, but found out in the last month that actually in the 3 generations of my family on the female side (mum and her sister, my mum's mum and her mum) have all had mental health issues. Which would have been helpful earlier on in my treatment.

Is there any other form of support/counselling that you can access to help you, because it really does sound like you could use the support right now.

[bitomato]

Hi Bluegeranium,
In weighing my answer, I guess it would be yes. Normal to have things so out of control that it scares you.......I am glad that you tried to access services at your school, but concerned that "they were full" is where it was left. Did they offer to refer you on?

Usually some form of health services- GP, doctor, psychiatrist is attached to a school; and some sort of policy for students who are in crisis. Is your husband supportive and acceptive of you looking for help? If you are unable to get referred on to any services, you may need to seek private intervention.

I know your feelings quite familiarly. For me it was a turning point in my life, where I had to seek help without family support. I think having the initial intervention is important and school counselling would not be exactly what you are looking for. I went to the Uni health service, was referred to a MH outpatient team and put under a psychiatrist who managed my care. Counselling was a personal addition to my care because talking therapies were not offered by the MH team.

Maybe going to your personal GP may be your best start. Also look for any community based MH services like drop in centres or charities. Don't give up. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, and looking for help is the second. You deserve to be happy. Keep reaching out and get your husband's help in the search. Don't be ashamed of family history as this is used by doctor's to assist in making any diagnosis.