Someone please.. help me understand.

[sunshinegardens]

Someone, anyone just please help me understand what is wrong with me.
Qualified or not, just explain this to me.

Why do I cry when people are nice to me?
Why do I feel so undeserving of them?
Why do I feel like I like someone one day and then hate them the next?
Why do I meet someone for 10 minutes then get so attached that I start dreaming of spending my life with them when I barely know them?
Why do I get so scared of rejection that I refuse to let anyone in?
Why, when someone doesn't pick up the phone, or goes out with their friends/family, do I feel like I have been betrayed and that the whole world is going against me?
Why do I cut myself at least four times a day thinking of the past and everything bad that's ever happened to me, or thinking of the people that I have lost because of my irrational behaviour?
Why does my cutting get worse on my birthdays, New Year's Day etc?
Why do I cut when I'm happy, why do I cut when there is absolutely nothing wrong?
Why do I feel like I can't get up in the morning or go to sleep at night unless I cut?
Why do I have so much hate in me?
Why am I feeling so much pain?
When did it all get there?

This isn't normal, it's not. Feeling like this every single day is not normal. It's not a phase, it won't go away. It's not a matter of willpower and hard as I've tried it won't leave me alone.
I don't want professional help, I don't want therapy, I don't want pills. I just want my life back.

If I can't have that, then don't I at least deserve a decent explanation as to why I feel like such a monster?
And if you cant provide me with one, then just tell me I'm not alone.

[Poppet6]

I can assure you you're definitely not alone at all, many people on this forum feel exactly the same way as you describe.

I can't diagnose you obviously but it does sound like a kind of personality disorder you are suffering from.

Unfortunately you will have to seek professional help as it won't go away on its own and could even get worse over time. I suggest printing off what you hate typed above and giving it your GP, they should be able to help you and point you in the right direction if need be.

Stay strong

[sunshinegardens]

Thank you for your reply, I am in a really bad place right now.

I have seen a therapist, and he said he wanted to try DBT with me, as he has suspicions that I have BPD.
I don't know anything about either DBT nor BPD, and I honestly couldn't care less. I want someone to break it down to me, I don't want technical medical terms out of some psych that's only sitting there listening to me to get his paycheck at the end of the month, you know?

Thank you for trying to help, it means a lot.

[Poppet6]

How would you feel about having DBT?

BPD is a type of personality disorder, there are other kinds (anti-social, narssistic etc ... )

Basically all of the feelings you described in your post are very typical of BPD, the most noticable being a persistent fear of abandonment.

If you want to know more try Google, there's loads of straightforward descriptions of BPD and DBT.

I strongly advise you seek help though.

[Sheltie90]

Im doing dbt at the moment and it is quite helpful, if you can get to do it, go for it x x

[sunshinegardens]

Thank you both,

I have scheduled an appointment with my psych for Tuesday.
Let's just hope for the best.

[Poppet6]

Good luck, hope it goes well x