at my wits end (rant)

[CagedBird]

I feel at my wits end.

It's been 3 years in therapy and I'm still struggling. I seem to have this inability to move forward in my life. I still get lows where I stop moving or trying and attempting to talk or change my life situation. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not trying hard enough but then I realise if I could do what I knew would make me feel better I would. Simple things like calling a friend. Why on earth can I not call my friends?! They tell me over and over I need to call them and stop being so scared that they don't like me, and I know logically they do like me....I know that reconnecting every other week via a 10 minute phonecall will ultimately make me feel more human and less abnormal....I know I am able to talk to my friends without generally too much anxiety - so why don't i?! It really bugs me that I can't do it but don't know why. I could be self critical and tell myself its because I'm lazy but I know I'm not lazy and I know this would just avoid the real answer....whatever it is....

It is the same things that stops me in my tracks when decisions need to be made or I need to make some changes. I'm not lazy or illogical so why can I not weigh up the pros and cons then make a decision?! Even if it were the wrong one it'd likely be better than doing what I am now which is absolutely nothing. For the past 2wks I've been frozen - and that isn't an over-reaction. I've been sleeping 12+ hours on the days I don't work and sometimes having afternoon naps just because I don't want to do anything (not even things by myself like washing my clothes or cleaning my car). I've just spent the entire weekend in pjs in my bed watching films - that isn't what I want from my life!

Sometimes I don't know how to move forward in my life and no one I speak to seems to help either. My therapist doesn't do a structured therapy that may offer ideas but I'm well and truly trapped by transferances issues atm to leave....my GP tries sending me to different pdrs but ultimately telling me drs don't attempt to diagnose and keeps me on ADs although we both say it's likely they aren't doing any good (but if they're not doing any harm why risk it...). My parents are as lost as I am, and I know we're all getting worn down by me....living at home because I am incapable of getting another house isn't helping. And my friends....they live to far away and I don't call them.

I've moved from cutting to vomiting which is perhaps the only change I've made in the last year....and that was brought about purely because my sister had a baby and I don't want to touch him whilst covered in cuts so vomiting is 'my solution'. I feel that I am quite a patient person, I don't expect quick fixes....but it would really help if may be one person could tell me what I am suffering from because both my GP and I know simple depression doesn't quite cover it anymore....plus if someone could may be stand by me in those tiny day to day things that are causing me problems at the moment that would mean quite a lot to me.

I want friends, I want a relationship, I want to stop self harming, I want a happy job, I want to be okay....not happy...I know life has its normal ups and downs....I just want to be okay enough to get through them and not end up so damn stuck all the time.

[roiben]

Are you more able to meet and communicate with your friends when you are not in your lowest points? I ask this, as it sounds to me like your illness, be it depression or something else (I was not sure from your post) may be the very thing that is the reason why. I know that with my depression I also struggle to contact people, meet people and be honest with them when I am in my times of most need (lowest moods) - I also know that for me, this is very much a part of my illness. My brain no longer sees the rationale behind these things and instead shies away or convinces itself it is wasting their time, or not deserving of their attention.

Do you have any thoughts that come to mind when you think of your friends while in your lower moods? Perhaps you worry about them being bored of you, or something else?

Please remember that it is a natural thing to go through, and not to beat yourself up over it. I have found that asking my friends to be the one to make the first step often helps - So, my bf on noticing I am in a low mood will arrange to meet up, or my other friends will make a point of having a coffee and chat with me.

Is this something you could talk to your friends about, when you are feeling a bit more stable, and less low?

*safe hugs*

Roiben x

[CagedBird]

It is easier to communicate with my friends when I'm not feeling low but I find it hard to pick up the phone and call them generally at any time. I can't get to the bottom of this - may be I feel like this because I feel I don't have enough to say and what I can talk about would be complaints and I don't want to be seen as a whiner? I really don't know what it is. My friends do call me more often than I call them but honestly I only have 2 friends that do that...the rest I don't even know if they're friends or not. It'd likely be easier if I lived in the same city as them, meeting up and going for coffee is a lot easier than conversation on the phone as it seems a lot more natural....

I need to make new friends also but I can't seem to be able to meet anyone my age or with a similar background to me. This actually makes me feel low so it is a very vicious cycle I am caught in. I don't know what to do anymore about any of this - when I was younger all this came naturally but now I feel like a freak not having friends to spend time with. A lot of my time talking to colleagues is spent covering up the fact I'm a loner. I hate being a loner!

Thank you for replying to my whiny rant btw!

[roiben]

Could you connect to your friends on facebook, twitter, msn or by email if it helps remove the (very common) hurdle of the telephone?

I wonder if there is a hobby you enjoy that you could seek out a group for to help you meet people who have a common interest? Does your local library have any information perhaps?

Roiben x