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How can I control/fix my anger?
In high school I was a very happy person. People flocked around me because my mood was contagious. People would say I had glowy moods because I was happy and you could almost see me radiating that happiness and people loved to feed off of it. I had a good life and you could tell. I was never in a fight or much let a verbal altercation. I was calm and level headed. In my sophomore year I was in a bad car accident that put me in a wheel chair for awhile and broke a lot of my friendships because of the pain I caused others in the accident. This started my anxiety. A year after graduating high school I met a guy who I fell madly in love with and he was my first intimate male relationship. Having never had the experience with a man I guess I didn't pick up on the signs of him cheating until after I had already married him. I loved him with all my heart regardless and I was going to make this marriage work. This marriage though was my introduction to the world of verbal and emotion violence. It started with just little disagreements about women he was talking to or things I would find but he would make a story and because I didn't want to argue I would believe him and let it go. The disagreements got worse. Screaming. Holes in walls. Scenes made in stores. He would get so angry with me that he would just shake and I didn't know how to deal with it so I would cry. I finally started to argue back because the lies started blowing up in his face and he would leave proof of his adultery everywhere. I moved bases with him hoping to move from our past and start a new future. Wrong idea. I went back into my shell because I didn't have friends and family to back me up. He would scream and I would just blank it out. He was mad because I was accusing him of cheating which he was doing. I remember one fight where I stood in the kitchen staring out the window and before I knew it 3 hours had gone by. He had to come get me and wake me up. Our last fight is what did it for me. I found out he put his hands on my 50 year old mother and I went crazy. 750ml of Yeager in 2 hours. He came home for lunch and I started in on the questions. He said he wasn't having this and he tried to leave. Normally I'd of let him leave but I was drunk and my line of sanity had been crossed. Needless to say the police were called to break up the fight and I came away with choke marks on my neck he came away with two busted ear drums, cut up face, busted lip etc. I woke up two days later on a friend of his' livingroom floor. The question I have is, now that I've been to that awful place, that place of anger, hatred and violence, How do I forget how to get there? The smallest things can set me off now. My current boyfriend and I have typical fights but the second it steps past a little disagreement I spiral into that place my ex husband sent me. I scream and I throw things. I've even pushed him hard enough for him to fall and he's not a small guy. I'm scared I'm going to hurt him or hurt our relationship if I can't erase this horrible place. I describe it as: You've never been to the mall before so it takes you a while to get there and you have to have a bunch of direction. But once you've been to the mall over and over and over, getting to it is like blinking. I never knew where this horrid place was until my husband sent me there over and over...now it's like blinking...I'm there. How can I control it?
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