First I am sorry if this is the wrong forum to post in; I wasn't sure if 'older members' meant age or length of time belonging to the RYL community. Sorry if I am too new to be here.
To give a bit of background I am 25 and started self-harming aged 15. I regularly self-harmed throughout the rest of my teens and into my early twenties, but am now at a point where self-harm is a very rare occurrence. However, I have been left with severe and obvious scarring on both my arms and legs which, when seen, typically leads to questions. My usual tactic is to cover up with long sleeves and trousers when in situations where I won’t be happy to explain, and when I do need to explain I always explain the true cause.
The problem is I have recently encountered a new type of enquirer; the child. Several of my friends have young children, and whilst staying with a friend who has a three-year-old son I got changed in front of him, and he noticed and asked, “What are those patterns on your arms?” I was able to explain that they are called scars and caused when you have a cut and the body needs to make new skin to heal, luckily he didn’t ask how/why I had been cut, but I know an older child will want to know how I cut myself to cause such scarring.
I am taking two of my cousins (aged 8 and 10) on holiday next week and there is a possibility that we will go swimming, and I have realised there is a likelihood questions will be asked about my scars. As older children they will no doubt be curious as to how I got the cuts. I am wondering whether anybody else has had to deal with questions from children, and what you told them. I don’t want to lie about how I got my scars, but equally I would be worried about telling a young child they were self-inflicted. My own relationship with self-harm began after reading an article about it; had I never read about self-harm perhaps it would not have entered my mind as a possible coping strategy and I do not want to be the one to put the possibility into a young person’s head.
This has also lead me to worry about what I will tell my future children; can this sensitive topic be explained to young enquiring minds with no risk of them wanting to try it? Is the best option to lie, at least whilst children are still young?
Any advice or discussion on this would be really appreciated. Thank you!
Last edited by jinkleberry : 09-01-2012 at 02:48 PM.
I think that when they're still children, lie is the best option. I was in the same situation once and simply said that I had a car accident. The child was satisfied by my explanation and never spoke about it again.
But as they grow older, telling the truth could be a good idea.
-- English is not my mother-tongue, so I apologize for any spelling/grammar mistake --
I depends on age as to if the child will understand your explanation, personally I cover my arms and scars when I see children because I feel its best not to expose them to the concept of self harm. I would do as Jodie said and ask the parents what they would prefer.
Some things I would be prepared to say would be, for example, 'When I have been poorly l I've gotten hurt, but I am better now' and give a bit of reassurance.
It depends on the child's understanding and maturity, some 11-12 year olds would guess it was self inflicted or ask a lot of questions about how it happened and in honesty if they already know, lying wont work, it will make them wonder more and be more interested. Again telling the truth would be up to the parents, but you would possibly say something like 'When I wasn't very well I hurt myself, but I am getting help and support now and I am feeling much better'. With a 2-4 year old however they may only understand 'I had a 'hurtie/ouchie' but its all better now'.
Considering they are 8 and 10 I would discuss it with their parents but be prepared that a watered down version of the truth might be decided on the best course of action. Kids are not stupid and understand a lot more than you think at 10, but it depends on how emotionally mature they are as to what you'd actually say. The parents will have a better idea of what the children will understand and cope with.
I agree with asking the parents what they'd like their children to be told.
When I think about this with my little cousins and stuff, I've often thought of something along the lines of what Miss Anonymous said; saying that I had been ill, and that's where they'd come from, but that I'm better now.
And I realise I've essentially just agreed with everyone else and not offered anything new. Woe.
I agree with those above. However, if you wanted to reduce the likeliness of future questions you could get some of the stuff that reduces visibility of scars.
But then, some people like to keep scars as a reminder.
Just an idea
Have fun on holiday
You start life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been and wonder who you really are.
For me it depends on the closeness of the relationship as well as age - when my foster daughter started visiting at weekends she was 10 and we didn't know each other well so I just said I was in an accident. Then after about 18 months when we reached the point where she would stay for the school holidays I used my meds as a way of introducing the idea of depression (I have a condition that makes me feel really bad, so bad that when I was younger I used to hurt myself. But I take the meds to keep me well - she knows people on ARVs so is used to the idea that meds can keep people well and not just make people well).
Then a couple of months ago she noticed the scars on my stomach, so I was honest and said I had done them myself when I was younger. She was quite upset, but we had a long talk about how I keep myself well, and better ways to deal with problems than hurting yourself etc. I am worried because her past experiences and current situation are not great for her psychologically, but I thought it better to keep our relationship based on honesty even about tough subjects, and to try model better ways of coping.
I depends on age as to if the child will understand your explanation, personally I cover my arms and scars when I see children because I feel its best not to expose them to the concept of self harm. I would do as Jodie said and ask the parents what they would prefer.
Some things I would be prepared to say would be, for example, 'When I have been poorly l I've gotten hurt, but I am better now' and give a bit of reassurance.
It depends on the child's understanding and maturity, some 11-12 year olds would guess it was self inflicted or ask a lot of questions about how it happened and in honesty if they already know, lying wont work, it will make them wonder more and be more interested. Again telling the truth would be up to the parents, but you would possibly say something like 'When I wasn't very well I hurt myself, but I am getting help and support now and I am feeling much better'. With a 2-4 year old however they may only understand 'I had a 'hurtie/ouchie' but its all better now'.
Considering they are 8 and 10 I would discuss it with their parents but be prepared that a watered down version of the truth might be decided on the best course of action. Kids are not stupid and understand a lot more than you think at 10, but it depends on how emotionally mature they are as to what you'd actually say. The parents will have a better idea of what the children will understand and cope with.
Hope you have an awesome holiday!
I work as a healthcare assistant once a week in a hospital and in 2 weeks time I have a shift in a children's ward. For health and safety reasons I have to have short sleaves, so my scars will be showing.
I will be looking after children of all ages (0-16 years). Parents are not always there for me to ask consent on what to tell the child also if a child says to me "what are those scars from" I feel it would be odd for me to say "hold on I need to ask your mum", or turn round to the mother and say "what would you like me to tell you child?". Baring in mind that the mother may not have even noticed the scars.
Last time a 3year old asked me about the scars and told her it was cat scratchs. She accepted the answer which was fine, I'm more worried about a 5-10 year old asking?!?
my little sister asked me this question a few years ago, so she must have been about 5. i told her id had an accident, i didnt think she would believe me, she is quite clever, but she did. ive kept covered up since then and dont see her much anyway, but i think once they are old enough to understand, then there is nothing wrong with telling them the truth.
i also agree with asking the parents permission, though i know this cant always be done.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
i had my neice ask me a few years ag...she must have been about 5... i said it was birth marks but my step mum said if any other child asks, it's be best to say i fell through glass or something... which makes sense actually.
Younger children up to maybe 8 could be told it was an accident, but its all better now. Older children probably shouldn't be told the direct truth because I would imagine that would conflict with the job of focusing on their care. Also, being a children's ward up to the age of 16 you may well come across a lot of young self harmers [or young people in a very vulnerable mental state] or people who have come into hospital for an overdose. I would say you were 'unwell when you got hurt, but you've gotten better'. They can read into that as much or as little as they do, its not a lie, but its not a graphic explanation that would mean they have to visualise 'cutting' when you explain. I would shy away from saying its self inflicted because I think you'd need to run any explanation such as this by your managers.
Kids that 'know' what it is, or ask 'is that self harm?' I would personally say 'yes, but I have learnt better coping skills now' to make them realise you see it as unhealthy and don't condone it.
My experience is that I OD'd and went into a children's ward at 16 before I started 'cutting' and I got other urges to harm myself whilst there and because of being on the ward I couldn't access medication and so I did start looking for any other means. Which included restricting food akin to the anorexic girl opposite to me. I already had anorexic traits, but anything that could have given me ideas would have been used considering the reasons I was there.
Its a really difficult one because of the ethics of sharing any personal information, could you have a chat with the ward sister and explain your concerns and ask for formal advice?
Last edited by MissAnonymous : 17-02-2012 at 10:09 PM.
i also always wonder about this and never have a clue what to say i think i've been asked once or twice and every time with kids i just brush the question off and say its nothing just old scars.that has always stopped the conversation straight away because i just don't want to say the wrong thing by them,the kids that have noticed have been about 8 to 11 years.funnily enough my son whos just turned 6 has never ever asked me what they are! even though he sees them all time and is the most curious child i know i think that is probably why cause its normal that his mummy has these marks on her and thats it he just doesn't think to ask that question i guess their will come a day when he might though but i think i'm just going to say something like they are just a part of me and leave it at that and when hes a teenager im sure he will find out and then i will have a coversation about it if he wants too.
its pretty easy to see though, but i was once asked by a nine year old cousin what the scars where and explained that i was attacked by a hedgehog.
im sure she realised that i was 'joking' but she left it at that.
I went to Spain in the summer and I have a short sleeved top on and three young girls asked me they were only about 5 and didnt want to explain the whole concept of self harm to them. I said Id had an accident. Their words were "Why do you have stripes on your arms?"
It made me feel bad.
And if your thoughts should turn to death, you gotta stub them out like a cigarette..
Im having same questions coming at me from my little girl whos coming up to 4. Im considering getting a sleeve tattooed over my old scars but am kinda worried about covering them as they are part of me:s
Not really relevant to the thread but I have a tattoo and first time my boyfriends 3 year old nephew saw it he was trying to wash it off me coz he thought it was drawn on!
this is an interesting question, I have never had to explain my scars, but like you I started shing after reading an article about it in a magazine, i wonder if i had not read that i would be where i am today, so i would be extremely careful about what i said to any young person who asked, however having said that im not sure what i would say, perhaps "its something that happened in the past and I don't want to talk about it" which may be appropriate for an older "child" a younger child may accept its an accident
as others have suggested talking to the parents about it is a good idea, but i accept it may not always be practical
Candy Tetris
Mahjong
Othello
Mumu
