parents why am i such a failure *mentions sh*

[happiness...its all a lie]

Hi, i dont know what to do anymore. My mum and dad both think im ill and should go back on the anti-depressants. It took me 6 long years to get off them and i wont go back. Im ok, i was being bullied at work and so handed in my notice and left, this was supported and encouraged by my parents. I got very tearful at times and had a lot of anxiety problems and being sick etc, however since leaving work and xmas has finished i have been fine. Anyways my parents said they would support me financially yesterday for help -my dad pretty much refused and said ive got to stop getting emotional and ill have to make do with what i have and my mum said they both think i should go back to the docs and that im not happy and im not a normal 24 yr old because im not full of life and doing things. I have always been a passive person, a bit of a loner and just generally a mature person for my age. I love my parents dearly and i know they'll help me i just dont understand why they said all that i feel such a let down and failure. I have history of sh and am so triggered now but know if i do anything ill loose my boyfriend i really dont know what to do or think.

[Stellata]

How're things sitting with the work situation now?

I know for myself, it has in the past, when I trying to estricate myself from my parents' hold on me, been hard for me to figure out how I really felt - because I felt on principle I must disagree with my parents, if I'm to be myself/separate from them. I don't know if this might be happening for you, but thought it was worth mentioning.

[happiness...its all a lie]

I left work completely -it got too bad for me to stay. My parents said they would support me financially until i got another job. I have got one but dont start til the end of january. I just feel like im not the daughter they want me to be, im not a happy go lucky sort of person. Im quiet/calm/passive thats just who i am but it seems its not enough for them which breaks my heart. I feel such a let down/failure and i just dont know what to do anymore im so struggling not to self harm and i dont know what to do

[Stellata]

Is it enough for you?

[happiness...its all a lie]

yeah i am who i am, i dont like myself but i dont know if i would like myself more if i was different

[roiben]

What do you think would help you like yourself more?

Roiben x

[happiness...its all a lie]

I dont know, i just have to learn to live with myself. I got in such a state both friday night and last night - screaming, crying and trying to hit things but my bf stops me he grabs my hands and holds me not horribly just so i dont do it-he lets me squeeze his hands as tight as i can but he sometimes has to restrain me which happened last night. I was out of control i didnt know what was happenening. Eventually i just cried and cried and he cuddled me til i calmed down. I approached my dad today and he was totally different, he was fine and is lending me money. I dont know why i get so stressed and worked up like it. Im scared ill loose my bf if i get as angry/upset as i did last night he shouldnt have to hold my hands or restrain me :( xx