Dearest Kevin (assuming that's you're name). I'm going to take apart your thread and reply bit by bit if you don't mind...
My life has been a miserable excuse of a life……. I wish I had the courage to make all of this crap stop…. But I am a COWARD……. I am so afraid of what the future is going to bring….. if I do have a future…. I take medication for anxiety and depression but it doesn’t help that much… I cant seem to escape this awful sickening feeling inside…….. my first thought every day is “ I wish I could die” I am a waste of a life……
Bravery and cowardliness are temporary states of mind. Everyone has been both on many different occasions. Although you perceive yourself to be a coward now it doesn't mean that you are not brave. I think you're very brave to get to where you are now and to write this message to us. Every body has a future. It may be short, it may be long but that's the beauty of it... it's unwritten and blank pages in the book that is your life. You can't erase what has already been written but the blank pages hold the possibility to say whatever you want them to say. The fact that you take medication for depression and anxiety shows that you do want to help yourself as you must have actively sought medication at some point in your life. If you feel like your meds aren't much helping you, I'd really suggest you go for a meds review with your psychiatrist/GP. From personal experience, I used to repeat in my head "I want to die, I want to die" and on one medication it turned to "I want to die, This is how I'm going to die, let's do it". Which obviously wasn't helpful. On my current medication my head does this "I want to die, No I don't..... peace" I have gained peace, space, and sanctuary in my own mind that I didn't know I could ever gain. Yes I do think it was achieved via medication but if all I have to do is pop a couple of pills a day to gain my head space, I shall do it for however long is needed. You are NOT a waste of a life!
This misery keeps going on and on…… I have spent the last few days completely alone…… No one cares what happens to me,,,,,, family, fiend (I have no fiends)….. no one cares….. this never stops……. So maybe I deserve all of this…. Is this my fate my karma…. to feel so ripped up….destroyed by all that life has faced me with…. Is something broke inside me… is something missing…… something so odd it makes people despise me…
I was so sad to read that you've spent the holiday season alone. I can assure you that there are people who care about you. No matter how distant they may be, you do have ties to people in the world. No man is an island no matter how hard you try, there's always someone who knows someone who knows you and who cares. I care. From just your thread that I've read tonight, I care. Your words have tickled my heart strings. You do NOT deserve to be miserable and it does not have to remain this way. If fate could dictate a certain way then all of the human race would needn't bother planning or building or creating a future. When life deals you a rubbish hand of cards there seems to be two clear paths. One is to give up there and then. The other is to fight through and take the crap and mould it into something that makes you stronger.
I thought when I was a kid I would be much better off alone…… then there would be no one to…..bully me anymore… no other kids at school….. no parents and siblings to bully me and hate me because they are ashamed of me…. But now I am so alone and without hope…… cant do this much more
Why has this happened to me……
It is logical to think that if you are alone then you're not hurting anyone, no one can hurt you, you can hurt yourself without guilt of worrying others etc. But ultimately as humans, we need humans. Relationship and communication and contact and intimacy and love is healthy and therapeutic for the mind. Obviously there are people out there who are unhealthy for us but I'd rather have loved and lost than to never loved at all. I believe you can do this. I believe that you have the strength to take charge and make something happen for yourself that is positive and healthy.
Keep in touch hun,
Sophie.x
