Dealing with self-harm in long-term relationships?
(Looong, feel free to skip to the bottom for the main question!)
So I've been with my bf for the past 2 1/2-ish years. Our relationship is wonderful! He's the most wonderful, caring man in the world, more than I could ever ask for in a partner. We've lived together for a while & have been talking about marriage, so things are definitely serious between us.
However, I have recently begun to majorly relapse into self-harm, due to major family stress. He knew that it was a problem I had before we got together, but we only really discussed it to explain my scars, because I thought I was recovered. Apparently I was just in remission, not having any severe enough stressors to trigger my SI. I always wondered how I was able to recover so easily lol!
Although I dealt with SI in relationships in my teenage years, it's nothing like dealing with it when you actually live with the person. For example, I could lie about not self-harming to my old bf way back in high school if I chose to, to keep him from worrying too much. Now, my partner is going to see them one way or another & know that I hurt myself, whether or not I tell him verbally.
It kills me to have him see me like this. For one, I feel like a failiure as a partner. I'm scared that he'll never want to marry me now, with how mentally screwed up I am, or he'll leave me because he can't handle my issues. He says neither of those things are going to happen, but still. Secondly, I can tell how scared & concerned he is for my well-being, even though he tries to keep up a strong facade for me most of the time. It's terrible; I feel so selfish, knowing that I'm causing him so much pain when I could just stop it! But I can't just stop; heck, at this point, I'm not sure I really want to stop. My only real reason is to do it for him, but I'm not sure that quitting for someone else & not for myself is the best thing. It's hard.
When I first relapsed, I immediately realized it was going to be a continual problem, so I typed up an 8-page document (can you tell I'm in academics lol?) all about SI, my history with it, & what he could do/not do for me to aid in the recovery process, for my bf to read. He said that helped him understand things a lot better, since he knew virtually nothing about SI before, & he was extremely touched that I was sharing all of my past with him. He also said it was the saddest thing he'd ever read in his entire life.
I've been trying to give him lots of extra love & reassurance that it's not about him (because it so isn't, he makes me so happy), but I'm not sure how much it helps. I've also been telling him each time after I SI, but the urge not to say anything about it & just lie if he asks about new marks is really, really strong. But I think the honesty & openness is essential if we're going to get through this together.
So does anybody have any suggestions on how to help my partner cope with my problem? Some little things I can do to cheer him up or keep him from worrying?
What are your experiences with self-harm in serious realtionships? Did it drive you apart, or bring you closer? Looking back, what would you have done differently to make things easier on your relationship?
Self harm and my relationship with my wife has been hard . She only found out this year about it , The good news is we are still together and love each other after all these years . My best advise would be stop self harming. I know its not easy, after 15 years I still struggle with it . From what I`m reading you have a strong relationship being honest and comunication is important do you see a doctor for this ? Group therapy with your partner is
also helpful
A positive additude is the way to go , Hope lives !
I'm not currently in therapy; I've found that, in the past, it really hurt more than it helped (too triggering), so I didn't even really consider it. However, therapy with my bf might be a whole different experience. We'd been considering pre-marital counseling anyways- not because we have any relationship problems, just because friends have said it was a good experience for them. Might as well kill 2 birds with 1 stone, right?
However, money's pretty tight for us right now, but I'll research what options are availiable at least.
My partner knew about my self harm right from the start, we've been together two years, I was self harming every few months or so when we got together. He's always encouraged me to be open and self harm has never been an off limits topic to discuss.
After something traumatic happened a year ago I started self harming more frequently and it put a strain on our relationship. Luckily though with help and support I'm harmimg less now and things between us are easier.
We have an agreement that if I want to harm I tell him first and talk about it, mostly by the time I've talked it through the urge fades. If it's still there though and I do harm he likes to know in case I need to have medical attention. I think he prefers to be involved because he wants to support me and cares about me. I think being open and honest has helped us both in regards to self harm, he knows why I do it and about my past.
I think communicating to him like you did was good, I guess self harm can be hard to understand so any help to understand it is useful.
I told my partner straight away in march when we got together about the fact i had previously sh'd, and that i'd stopped but kept my blades for security. He was ok with it but it took us both a while for him to see my scars and me to let him see them and be intimate with me. In may he asked if i would be prepared to get rid of them and i agreed as i didnt think i would do it again and i promised myself and him i wouldnt.
After a holiday in october, i dont know what happened but i relapsed. I told him over the phone as the shame was too much. He asked where, when, why, how etc all questions he wanted to know and understand. I owed it to him to tell him but it ended our relationship because he blocked it and refused to speak about it. We then spoke 3 weeks later and both of us opened up and i told him everything, offered him my mental health reports that i'd got to read to help him understand. We now talk all the time and he asks questions if need be.
So in answer to your question be open and honest and let him help you xx
