Sorry to post but I'm having a really hard time.
You probably know I've been in recovery since September and my weight has shot up. I'm at the lower end of "healthy weight" and I've started to panic. I have had strong urges to starve and purge lately but I ignored them, now I've hit this weight the voices are stronger than ever especially considering that it's almost Christmas.
I have a meal later and want to starve myself all day just so I don't gain and I'm freaking out about the dessert too.
I just don't know what to do, my mind is already telling me to starve and to lose [x] lbs so that I'm underweight again.
I know it's called "healthy" for a reason but I only feel comfortable in the underweight zone..
Please help me?
Thank you for your help <3
I struggled badly today, I slipped up after dinner and purged a few times.
I'm currently in bed feeling rubbish & wanting this day to end..
I definitely understand the feeling comfortable in the underweight category. Years ago when I first started recovery and gained weight to be considered "healthy" I just hated myself. Now that I got real sick again I'm terrified and basically just not letting myself reach that point.
I'm really proud of you for doing so well! I know slip ups and stuff can be discouraging. But, it's really great that you've gotten so far, and you are truly beautiful. I wish you could see it! Remember, underweight is sick and healthy is beautiful <3
I think really, the best thing you can do is not weigh yourself (I know, easier said than done) and make sure all of your weights at the doctor are blind weights.
I'm here for you dear.
I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
Thanks for your reply love <3
I know it's called "healthy" for a reason but I think I'm scared to be "healthy" :S
I will try not to weigh myself but that'll be pretty impossible at the moment, and I don't see a Dr about this or anyone at all.
I'm upset because I bought myself something small, but nice, to eat later but just threw it in the bin when I got back and wanted to just break down.
I hate how food can rule your life SO much!
Use the feelings you have tonight to push you forward. Tomorrow is a new day, and if you have to take things slowly to be realistic and manage able, do that. Just think of one or two things you could do to avoid the slip ups you had today, or decide on one aim, goals have to be focused, measurable and realistic.
Maybe having something for each meal time, or not purging one meal where you previously were..?
Sometimes it helps me to consider what I want in life, and if not possible, identify what I don't want; as you have done here, and both can serve to motivate you away from your dangers towards what is actually going to be productive over all.
Healthy means fulfilled potential, freedom, choice... maybe brainstorm all the things healthy offers, since I know many people trip when they see healthy as something negative, or worse, one single thing. It opens up far more.
I'm getting drugged now with meds, but PM me anytime and I'll do my best to reply xx
Thank you for the replies, they mean a lot <3
Again I was bad yesterday ED wise and I feel so ill and rubbish as a result.
Today my friend wants to meet for lunch which has made me anxious, but I've decided to have something light which I'll be safe with. Mum has told me what's for dinner and it's very healthy so today looks a bit more promising
Just hope I can do it!
Yeah :]
I had two meals today.
Only problem is, is that I was feeling really nauseous all day and had horrible stomach pain, which I get everyday. I will see a doctor next week - well hopefully if I get the courage as I don't think it's worth bothering about.. But it triggers me, I sometimes purge just to get rid of the sickness as it gets that bad, but sometimes I do it more than I need to as the ED kinda kicks in a bit. It sucks >.<
You are going round in circles by purging after meals as that can trigger the nausea and feelings of unwellness and therefore you purge again to try and get rid of that feeling which makes you feel nauseous and ill again and so you purge again.
You need to see that for yourself in order for the cycle to be broken.
But by the same token you need to recognise your achievements not just your ''failings'' and try and boost that low self esteem of yours.
Gentle hugs x
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Thank you for the reply.
I hardly ever purge after meals, I generally just try to deal with the nausea. I only ever do it if it's unbearable so I don't know if it's worth seeing a doctor about or not?
Hehe thanks, I know I tend to focus on the bad things!
Having not read any of the above i would say in regards to categories such as underweight, healthy weight etc they are really not good to focus on, for one bmi can be so inaccurate, it doesnt take into regard anything about that specific person. Try to forget whats considered a "healthy weight" weight etc, because more then likely the label of it is making it more uncomfortable then the weight will be, i think one of the things with anorexia is forgetting how to "feel" and is all about numbers and calculating, for example if i eat i think i look fat, it has nothing to do with how i look rather its psychological, if you can get away from the whole category thing and numbers etc it may help with the want to restrict etc. I know its hard but take it in little steps... and well done im so happy you are fighting this, look at what you have achieved your an inspiration to many of us =)
You dont need to destroy yourself anymore, we all know you were good at that,
now retire from all that hard work you do
of bringing pain to those sweet eyes and heart
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