I know I'm new to this forum, so you guys don't really know me yet... I just need somewhere/someone to rant to. I'm having a horrible night and this is probably going to be all over the place and make little to no sense - I'm sorry ahead of time :/
I lost my husband, Hunter, back in October. He was a soldier and lost his life during combat in the war in Afghanistan. He was my best friend, my other half. I still cry, every single day. Since his death was military combat-related, I don't have many details, and I feel like I need a few to have some closure. I don't know what happened to him... I don't know if his death was fast or slow, if he suffered or if he even knew what was happening. I have horrible nightmares about it every night, I hardly get any sleep. I'll wake up either screaming or crying in the middle of the night, and it wakes up my two year old, Chloe. I feel so horrible about it. She can always tell when I'm upset over her daddy... so then she starts crying, too. Many nights, we just sit in bed together... holding each other, bawling our eyes out, telling stories and swapping memories of Hunter.
I feel like a horrible mother. I should be able to handle myself better, at least around her. For her sake. I'm so horribly depressed and withdrawn, both literally and emotionally, from everyone in my life. I have hardly any patience for anything, I have to force myself not to snap at Chloe over little things. I love her more than anything in the world, I hate feeling angry all the time. It's not even anger towards her, it's just misdirected anger at life.
I feel so... cheated. I always think how unfair it is that Hunter had to be taken from me. I find myself crying at random times throughout the day. I can hardly eat, I've lost weight since he passed. There literally is not a day that goes by that I don't question the value of my life... Is all this pain really worth it? I'm not sure I can handle this much longer. I don't know what to do, where to turn, who to talk to... but this pain has to stop. Soon. I don't want to be around anymore just to go through the motions in life, in a haze like I have been for the past 2 months.
I can't take it much more.
Last edited by [Purple_Rain] : 14-12-2011 at 12:32 PM.
Reason: Posting weight lost is againts the rules. I'm sorry for yoru loss x
Tell me I was dreamin';
that you didn't leave me here to cry...
[r.i.p. jhl - 10/2/11]
This must be an awful time for you. Please don't think your life is not worth living. I am sure your husband would not want you to die, and neither does your daughter. I wish he was still here to make it better for you - he never meant to leave you. You don't have to be able to cope, you are not a failure for still needing him. I hope that you will find the strength to carry on.
I'm not currently in any kind of therapy, neither is Chloe... we probably should be. I definitely want some for her, I don't want her to be carrying around an unbearable burden the rest of her life. I just don't know if it would help...
I really don't have anyone to talk to, my 'family' is sick of hearing me cry and complain... my friends don't really understand, and they have their own busy lives. It sucks.
Thank you all for your support.
Tell me I was dreamin';
that you didn't leave me here to cry...
[r.i.p. jhl - 10/2/11]
I don't know all the right things to say to you.... I wish i could say something, anything, to give you a little bit of relief. What i do know is, that in spite of this cold and searing pain, life goes on. The pain will lessen in time. I know that's not much comfort right now. Your husband wouldn't want you to give up. And it's ok to cry and grieve and be a mess. Only two months have passed, not a long time at all.
In a split second your life was changed forever and i really don't think it's fair for anyone to expect you to move on so soon after. But even though this hurts so bad, it's not the end yet. It is hard right now, and i won't lie, it's gonna be hard for a long time, but i so much want you to stick around because i am quite sure that you'll find something to live for, be it your baby girl or something else. You created a human being together and she needs you to stick around and help her grow up.
I almost cried when i read your post because you ARE right, it's SO bloody unfair. Sometimes it feels like life takes away those who deserve to be here the most. ANd it is unfair. And of course you're gonna cry and grieve. Because it's painful to lose someone. And it hurts and hurts and feels like it's gonna hurt forever. But time lessens the pain a bit.
Don't give up now. You carry him with you in your heart every day. As long as someone remembers him he is not completely gone. It will get better. I can't say when or how, but it will. Lean on us here all you need. We will listen and we won't be too busy or get tired of listening.
*hugs you*
My kids have effectively lost their father in july as he doesn't call, vist or pay them, its hard, they don't understand it, just try to ignore it unless they bring it up but it is hard x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
I almost cried when I read your post as well, it really is terrible for you. I have been at work - I started a new job - but I have subscribed to this thread now, and I am here for you if you need to talk, via this thread or by pm.
Anytime you need to talk, I'll try to get back to you within 24 hours.
Thank you all so much, your kindness has completely baffled me. I never knew strangers would sincerely care about my well-being and the goings on of my life. You're all very special people.
I feel a tad bit better today. Still depressed, but it's bearable.
I'd like to return the favor to all of you... if any of you ever need to talk, please feel free to pm me, or if you'd like to get my Twitter, msn, or Facebook just let me know! :)
Tell me I was dreamin';
that you didn't leave me here to cry...
[r.i.p. jhl - 10/2/11]
Hey Honey, I'm late. I am so sorry. I was exhausted from work.
I am so sorry you are suffering, when you are having a really bad night, is there any soothing things you can do for yourself? Just try to be reallly nice to yourself, big blankets, cups of tea or chocolate, things to keep you warm like hot water bottles, and just try hard to look after yourself. In my life, when things are going wrong, if I let my flat get too untidy and I don't do the washing and things like that, I feel really bad. There is the option of throwing your self into tidying, and then really treating yourself after with a snuggle down with a film, you could choose a happy one, or choose a sad one (that is unrelated to your loss) and allow yourself to cry. But make sure you are physically really comfy and feel safe.
I am really sorry I was late to post, I hardly slept the night before and was so exhausted when i got in.
Take care sweetie, I hope you feel a little better soon,
xx
Vert
Thank you, Vert. Your continued support really means a lot to me during this hard time when I feel very alone. I've decided to throw myself into my physical fitness... I don't exactly need to lose weight, I just need to be more physically fit. So starting tomorrow I am going to exercise daily and only feed myself 'good' things. Maybe that will help me feel better.
I've had a pretty okay day today. Yesterday was a very good day, I felt better than I have in a while. It's just kind of a rollercoaster, I suppose.
Tell me I was dreamin';
that you didn't leave me here to cry...
[r.i.p. jhl - 10/2/11]
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what your going through. Long shot, but I don't suppose the army offer any sort of grief counselling? I think it's important for you to get some counselling.
With regards to your daughter why don't you make a memory box for her with things about her dad in. You could also release a balloon with a message from her on. Just little things to help her come to terms with it all a little and try to help her understand.
I'll be thinking about you especially over christmas. Do you have support on Christmas day?
