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Conforming Makes Things Hard
I don't know how it is for everyone, but I feel I would be a lot less stressed and upset by things if I could just talk to Ana when I wanted. (Ana is the voice I hear)
And also if I could just say out loud when I'm seeing something I don't think is there.
Or if I could be anxious and just wait until I wasn't.
Especially with exams, all I think is that if we could choose the day we felt our best to do the exam, it would go so much better than not knowing if we're going to have a panic attack, or forget everything, or find we go from getting things ready at six in the morning to being in Birmingham with half a day missing.
Having to conform to social norms in the sense of getting work. I don't want to shake hands and look the interviewer in the eye, and I'd rather sit in the corner and then I'd be comfortable answering questions.. but it won't get me the job.
And why do we have to do things all the same in coursework? I'm trying to stop my obsessive need to research and understand and write it all up, because that's what it is, and I can't do it. So my work is late, and too long, and even later, and I can't get help to cut it down because then it's not my work.
Why do things have to be "simple"? My mother flipped out at me when she set me the task of doing the monthly shop, which takes her about an hour, and took me all day because I'd go for a few items, then have to come back for a half hour recovery break before going back in.
Simple task, and I can't just get it done.
I find that people will label me as lazy, childish and full of excuses, as someone who needs to grow up and get on with things like everyone else.... until they see me having a bad day and truly struggling, and then they are so quick to write me off. I've had people tell me I'm not well, I should go home, when I'm out and about in town.
I've had someone who was walking past, nothing to do with us, and she told me friend to she should take me right to the nearest hospital and get me checked in because "she has no right being on the streets". Yes, she said that. And when my friend defended me, the bitch replied with "I'm out minding my own business, I don't want to see something like that"
Thank you.
(dunno what I was doing, mind.. probably some hallucination or delusion.. it happens, meh)
But it's another example of how I can't just be myself, and that's bleeding stressful!
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