I wasn't quite sure where to put this, but I hope it's okay here.
I've recently been discharged from hospital after a 4-month stay, during which I was sicker than I ever thought possible. I was admitted psychotically manic and rapidly crashed and went into a severe depression. During that time I nearly succeeded in killing myself - I needed CPR and I was in ICU for some time. I have some minor brain damage in the form of memory loss as a result.
I'm struggling to come to terms with what has happened. Some of the memories I have are a total jumble and don't make sense.
Does anybody have any advice on how to cope? I'm trying really hard to move forwards with my life and not dwell too much on my experiences, but it's difficult. I want to understand what happened so that I can prevent it from happening again, because in truth I wouldn't survive it.
I've thought about asking to access my notes as it might offer some clarification, but I'm anxious about doing so aswell in that it will bring back difficult and unpleasant memories.
Any suggestions or tips would be massively appreciated.
Thank you and take care.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Writing things down and talking them through often helps me to process memories when they are jumbled.
What I will say is, if you do get your notes, make sure to have someone who can help read them with you and help answer any questions you may have. I don't think it is a good idea to read admission notes without some support while going through them.
Be gentle with yourself - It is bound to take time to adjust.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I agree about having someone with you when you read notes. But from a personal perspective I've seen a lot of people get there medical notes and then be seriously upset by them. In fact I've never seen someone be helped by them, so please be cautious if you go down that route. And from what you described it sounds like the notes may be seriously triggering and perhaps a last alternative.
Can you discuss this with your CPN? You can get their perspective of what happened, work through your memories and try to piece things together.
I know that when I went through a traumatic experience in hospital, I spent a long time reliving the memories. I wrote a lot down in a journal to try and get it out of my head, because having the memories stuck in there was hurting.
So yes, writing down things I think is a good start. You could write it down and then maybe share it with your CPN?
I'm sorry to hear you were so low. Please don't underestimate how this has affected you, make sure you speak to your CPN about it as it sounds like it was quite traumatic. Writing it down (how you're feeling) may also help to validate the pain too. As much as it hurts, if you acknowledge it in a safe way, it may help you process it and be able to move on when you're ready.
I'm glad you're doing better now, and gosh, I'm glad you lived and made it through. That must have taken a lot of courage and strength, and I commend you for it.
xx
(Also - grounding exercises and trying to live in the present, focusing on specific things around you etc can help when you feel a memory, or a flashback, etc come on. Here's a link with just some suggestions.)
It gets better with time. Don't give up. And focus on the good you're doing now, too. You're not in that same place any more. x
Last edited by Snow White. : 10-12-2011 at 11:00 AM.
I do keep a journal and have been writing memories and thoughts down, but I notice that when I do so I tend to dwell on them too much and focus on all the bad things which have happened and the terrible way I was feeling, which I don't really want to do! I'm trying as hard as I can to stay positive as I'm determined never to end up back in the situation I was in. Although writing them down does get them 'out' of my head in that I don't feel like I have to hang on to them, if that makes sense.
I haven't really discussed it with my CPN so that's something I may do, actually. She might be able to offer some light on some of the things that happened (although she wasn't there).
Thanks for the link, Snow White. I learned some mindfulness techniques when I was in hospital and I'd forgotten about those a bit! This reminded me of them, and they are definitely a technique I can use to try to relax and stop thinking about what happened too much (especially when it stops me being able to sleep, for example).
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
That all makes sense. Are you writing them on a paper journal? I had mine on the internet in a livejournal, so when I wrote it there it really was 'there' and the ability to close the webpage helped me to avoid dwelling on it. (Though admittedly there was times that I did.)
I'm proud of you for trying to stay positive - focus on that :) Can you maybe keep a paper journal with you about positive things? Writing down mindfulness skills that work for you, distraction techniques, reasons why you're working on getting better etc, good things you've done.
And like you, I like mindfulness when I'm trying to get to sleep too. I find it can be relaxing.
Let us know how you're doing, okay? I agree your CPN should hopefully be able to give you some more tips.
Things aren't good. I wish I could say they were.
I'm very tearful, a sign that things are not going well. I'm trying to carry on and do all the things that should help, but in reality they are not.
I've been putting so much effort into trying to be happy, but it seems that my best simply isn't good enough.
I don't know why I bother.
I've known for years how this is going to end. I don't think I can avoid getting ill again - that's the way my bipolar is. Episodic with constant relapses. And when I do, my suicide is inevitable.
I don't think I can do this.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Sorry to hear things aren't improving for you.
Well done for still trying to do things that help, what sorts of things are you trying? Sometimes we need to try different things when our current skill set isn't working.
I can relate to knowing 'that's how it is' in relation to relapses, it's hard.
You said you are seeing your cpn weekly, how is that going? Is she/he helpful?
I really do hope that if you are going downhill that you can get help before you become a danger to yourself.
Take care
Rara
I've been making sure I exercise every day (usually a walk with the dog), meet up with friends even if I don't feel like it, listen to music etc.
The truth is that I am horrendously bored and unfulfilled. My life at the moment is just ****.
My CPN is lovely. She's away on holiday this week, but I'm seeing her after Christmas. I'm reluctant to tell her things aren't great though, because I'm 'supposed' to be better. I am, but I am still desperately unhappy and am wondering what the point is to all this effort when there is so little reward.
I'm okay in that I'm not imminently going to kill myself, but it's not enough to make life satisfying, enjoyable, and ultimately worth it. Does that make sense?
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
I'm sorry to hear things have been such a struggle, but you're doing so well, I know how hard it is to stay active and actually get the motivation to do stuff, but you are, and that's great.
What sort of stuff are you interested in? You may find that there are a lot of things you can do at very little cost, that are also very interesting. I personally love art, so I go to photography and art groups and stuff, makes my days more worthwhile when I have something to show for them. Maybe make a list of things you want to achieve, like daily, short term, long term, and work out the steps you can take to fulfil them. That's how I got myself back into education, which is something I've always loved.
Part of the difficulty is that I live in the middle of nowhere and there is incredibly little to do. I was involved in a few things (swimming and volleyball) but because I've been in hospital so long I've lost touch with it all and besides, it's Christmas, and so a lot of activities have taken a break. I love writing and photography and wish there were groups like that around here but there just aren't!
I've talked to my CPN a bit about this and there's an art group aimed at mental health service users which I'm going to start going to in the new year. It's an hour's drive away but I'm incredibly lonely and it would be good for me to meet people I think.
I hate this feeling of always 'holding out for the future', waiting for things to get better and trying desperately to find reasons it will, but getting there only to find things are exactly the same. I can't outrun myself, it seems.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Honestly, the art group sounds like a great start. I actually met my best friend at a MH user group, so I'm a big advocate for getting out there & finding likeminded people, it will also be such a good distraction from anything else you have going on, so do try and go for it. Take care x
