In theory this should be fine. But I've noticed more and more anxiety, especially social anxiety, since the beginning of the year. I had a panic attack last week, and two near misses.
Today I'm going to be shadowing a consultant I've never met before, an activity I've never done before. I'm worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. I'm worried about having another panic attack. I know I'm not being judged, but I'm still worried.
Hopefully I'll just be required to sit in on consultations, nod and smile, and take notes. *It'll be okay*
But more generally, if I say to anyone "people scare me" (the most simplistic explaination of social anxiety ever), then they respond with "well you're trying to be a doctor - you're going to have to deal with people". But then if I explain that being in that position - being the helper, listener, questioner - is so much different to being in a pub full of strangers, or consulting in front of an assessor, or even having a conversation with a group of 5/6 friends... Well, it doesn't make that much sense really. It's just a different context. I can listen to a friend, but I feel like a **** having a conversation - because I'm worried about how I'm being interpreted!
Ugh, I don't know what I was hoping to achieve here. Just let it out I guess.
I was getting teary about it, but I now think that this may be due to the time of month.
Anyway, I'm going to leave soon, get to the hospital, and I'll let you know how it goes...
