I am sorry if this does not belong here, just tell me, or move it, it just didn't belong anywhere else and I needed to put it somewhere.
Is it bad for the success of another to remind you of just how crap you are & for that to set of a whole string of crap reactions in you?
As my Sister has recently announced that she is pregnant and, as much as I am proud of her, and happy for her, it has brought up a whole mass of feelings in me, of being the black sheep of the familly and of the fact that no matter what I do, my parents are not proud of me for so many of the things that I do - for the fact that I am a mental mess and that I do not have a house or a husband or a child on the way and that instead I am regularly a heap of tears and a mass of cuts that I have to hide from them as they really do not understand them.
Christmas is coming, and New Year is coming and I really should have died a long time ago and I am sorry I am still here. I do not want to be here anymore and I am sorry for that as well.
Roiben
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Roiben-
I don't know what I can say to help but you have my hugs and support. I hope, with time, you no longer think you want to die. It is dark where you are been there myself. My huggles and support are all I can offer.
Flying on 2nd-hand wings. - my own wore out!...;-)
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Leeds and London
I am currently:
However different your life has turned out to your sister's, it is still precious, and there are people who care about you. Life is easier for some people than others and that can be really hard to deal with, but please know you are not alone, many others (including me) understand exactly how you feel and are here for you. Don't give up and don't lose hope. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad, you don't deserve it. Sending lots of love, Jen xxx
Everyone has different things to offer. You may feel that you're not as good as your sister but you are, just in a different way. You may not be able to see it but I'm sure other people can.
I don't think you're crap at all. You're always here giving everyone support.
Sorry this is such a rubbish reply, just want you to know I'm thinking of you and if you want to talk, I'm here
Roiben, I hate to hear you are feeling so badly. You are such an inspiration and support around here, for so very long.
I can relate in that i was the 'black sheep' for many years, till my sis showed her true self.
It is a very lonely place and it bloody hurts!
But, you have your own destiny to fulfill (NOT going to get all mystic on you :P) and I think you will find it in time.
I hope this doesn't sound too weird, but after seeing/reading all your replies over the years, I would personally be honored to have you in my family...someone who is so caring, giving and diplomatic and just generally a lovely person.
I hope you can soon see what we see.
xxx
Thank you for your replies and hugs, they mean a lot.
I am really struggling at the moment and finding that simply fighting the thoughts to get through a day is taking up a lot of my focus and energy right now. I have been here before, of course, but that does not make it any easier.
I am scared for where my mind goes, but it feels inevitable and right and I do not have the energy or the will to fight it as much as I have in the past.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Hey lovely, i really dont have any great words atm but had to say that i care for you a great deal. I wish i couold help in some way. Pls know you can pm anytime ok? About anything, anytime.
Do any of your care ppl know how bad you are feeling? If not, could you let them know?
Pls dont suffer alone, love.
Thinking of you and hoping you are safe as can be.
xxxx
Is that what people would think, if I "gave in"? They would think badly of me, that I was an "asshole" for not having the strength, or the will to keep fighting and dragging myself through the mire?
I don't want to be a bad person. I hate always being the one in the wrong, the one that can't get on and just succeed. The black mark on the family. But I can't keep doing this. I can't fight and fight to end up back here again. I have had enough.
It is inevitable, and all I do is delay the inevitable, throw every last ounce of strength and will I have at it, and I still come round full circle back to the very place I started. I don't have that strength anymore, and even if I did, what is the point? I will be a bad person either way.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
HUGE HUG.
sorry not to be wiser right now. but ... you have helped me los just by being around. please keep being around! even if "around " is nto "here".
roiben, you are such a great support around here, you definatley have been to me. you are in no way a bad person.
im sorry i didnt see this sooner.
i can relate to how you are feeling, my mum has lied about me, saying i was at uni when i was in hospital, and its sad seeing all my friends either at uni or working.
but i tell myself, its a different situation, different circumstances, my friends are not me, and i may not be in education or at work, but i cant keep comparing myself to other people, because i am not the same as all my friends.
sorry, this might read as a jumble of words, but i hope its understandable.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Thank you for your words, they are kinder than I deserve. I feel like the part of me that normally fights and is determined in me is feeling smaller and further away right now. There is a whole other part that just seems to have accepted that this is how it is going to be and it might as well be over with.
The only thing in the way is the same one that always is. Christmas is coming and that is really a sh*tty time of year to do anything. It would so not be fair on those being left behind.
So I have to wait and that waiting hurts. When does it become a good time?
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
The only thing in the way is the same one that always is. Christmas is coming and that is really a sh*tty time of year to do anything. It would so not be fair on those being left behind.
This is where I am right now. I can't face ruining someone else's holiday cause I no longer want to live. I hope by the time the holidays are over you are feeling better. You are a constant support to so many here on the boards.
Thank you for being you and being brave enough to speak up when you are struggling so.
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
