I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this.
I'm terribly sorry, feel free to delete this if need be.
Does anybody else find that members who have RYL friends (people they talk to often/outside of RYL) and have a lot of drama surrounding them tend to get more noticed, and therefore get more replies?
Please, don't get me wrong. Even if I get just one reply, I am very thankful and listen to the advice. It just seems to me like 'popular' RYLers who have a lot of drama surrounding them get thousands of replies, compared to people like me who not many people know.
I personally find this quite unfair, as people who don't really make friends from RYL go un-noticed and don't get - or get very little - advice and support. A lot of the time I get no replies at all, and end up deleting my post so others don't assume I must be bad.
It happens in time. People who have been here for years often tell their friends they're feeling rubbish, and then their friends reply.
I've never had any drama surround me and I still get a fair few replies from other people, just because people know who I am. You will make friends and then they will reply to you - the issue you're bringing up now has been brought up for years and years and it's unlikely to change.
Unfortunately it's human nature to care more and put more effort in for those we know and care about. Not saying it's right but there we are. Personally I will try and support people other than my friends when I'm well enough, however when I'm not well enough I won't.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
More like 'those that integrate themselves into the community'
and of course they do... why shouldnt they?
Saying that, there are members that have threads 10 or more pages long that i have never so much as seen a photo of. it helps when people update their own threads so it can become more of a conversation. As it progresses, people might find they randomly have something relevant to contribute where they might not have been able to have responded to the initial post.
Personally, i find it easier to reply to people that i see posting a lot in the forum cos you can gauge what kind of person they are and how they might respond to advice.
I think it can also depend on what the thread is about, i've done threads that have had 300-400 comments and others that have only had 2 comments, so it's not just about whos here longer or drama.
More like 'those that integrate themselves into the community'
and of course they do... why shouldnt they?
Saying that, there are members that have threads 10 or more pages long that i have never so much as seen a photo of. it helps when people update their own threads so it can become more of a conversation. As it progresses, people might find they randomly have something relevant to contribute where they might not have been able to have responded to the initial post.
Personally, i find it easier to reply to people that i see posting a lot in the forum cos you can gauge what kind of person they are and how they might respond to advice.
Yes, I agree that it happens, and it can feel really horrible. I'm sorry that it makes you feel bad. I don't think that there's any way to really change it though; I think it's always just going to be natural for people to reply to people they know well and care about it on a personal level; although it can feel really rubbish if you don't have many friends on RYL, I don't think it's really 'unfair' of anyone to do this.
Ideally, yes, it would be good if there were more people around who would reply to people's support threads regardless of whether they know them. I remember we used to have a '5 replies rule' where everyone was supposed to try to ensure that no post slipped off the front page with less then 5 replies. However, at the same time, it's not something that you can 'expect' of people. They have their own reasons for not being able to offer support to people they don't know; I don't reply much these days simply because I don't have time.
If you get talking to people it does change as people get to know you. I think one of the best ways to get to know people and therefore get replies to your threads is to start posting in one of the 'room' trheads (like the safe room or the one in the SI forum, whatever it's called) - the only reason I know people on RYL is due to 'the big pink comfy couch' and the uni students' thread.
Anyway, sorry for rambling at you. Take care, I hope you're doing okay.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I agree with most of what has been said. I don't think it's "unfair" as such. I think it's just human nature, like has already been said, to reply to people that you "know". I think a lot of people though do try to reply to posts by people they have never met before. I have done that in the past, only when I have felt strong enough to do so. I think that's the same for everyone. You can only do so much.
I remember when I first joined, and I felt the same way: That "popular" people were getting more replies. But then I started to go in Chat and supported the odd person here or there, and vice versa. And I got to know people. And so I found myself more inclined to make the effort to reply to their posts rather than strangers, because I was struggling myself. I don't think that was unfair of me to do. It's natural to want to reply to people you have built a relationship with, just like it's natural to sometimes become envious of other people that seem to get more help than you, or that's how you perceive it at the time.
It's just human nature really.
I feel uncomfortable with threads like this, because it's almost like people are "accusing" a member of being "popular" when in reality, that's not a bad thing? If being popular means that you have given back a lot to the community and as a result people want to give something back to you, I don't see how that's something that should be viewed as negative? I guess that could be the reverse argument to someone feeling bad because they feel no-one replies to someone. There could also be a member that is made to feel unnecessarily guilty because plenty of people have offered them support.
I apologise if none of the above made sense. It did in my head.
I have only been on ryl for a week or so but I have noticed but it's not a bad thing in my mind. I mean people who have been here longer built relationships with people and naturally the people who know them or notice that they post alot are going to comment and give advice to them. I am not really a very social person myself and I hate talking about my problems because I tend to feel like a burden on others so I usually won't say anything so it makes it harder for me to find friends on here but there have been some really kind people who always tell me if I need to talk just pm them. Honestly if you want to get more advice and support you are going to need to build friendships and talk to people more on here. If you need anyone to talk to than you can always pm me I will always respond.
“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep.
And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare,
like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved.
I woke up into a nightmare.”
― Ned Vizzini
I also think that while this does happen, there are some people who do try and reply to threads that only have a few replies so its not all bad. When I first started here I remember thinking of it as if you give a bit you get back too.
People (especially 'unpopular' or new ones) remember the names members who have helped, or even just spoken, to them. And then they may be more likely to return the favour when they see you're struggling. I know it may seem very exchange-based but that's how most relationships begin before you get to know someone.
It's not necessarily true either. Some 'popular' people get less replies than others sometimes. It's not always about who it is, it's about what's said and what advice can be given too.
Aye, being known does play a part, but it's not the only thing that produces more replies.
Depends where you try to get support, I think it's a general term. People who are popular in one forum may get a lot more than someone in another forum who's popular there, ect.
I realise that this might sound a bit cynical, but this thread is made maybe once every 6 months and nothing ever changes, nor will or should it. As has been said, people support when they have something productive to say, and it's human nature to respond more/better to your friends/people you recognise. However, I know for a fact that there are some people who go out of the way to hug or reply to all of the threads posted in SI/Serious/Wherever, so although people might not get pages and pages of replies, no-one is ignored.
So yeah, I can see this gong round in circles, but your point is valid.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
Oh, and I also wanted to say, please don't delete your threads! That removes the chance for anyone to reply to them. Sometimes it takes a while for a reply to come along, but when they get there, it's worth it right?
& like Ama and Claire above me, I too have posted threads without replies. I know that it hurts but it's not all about how long you've been here or people you know, sometimes it's about the thread itself, how busy the forums are, if anybody sees it etc.
But hopefully if anything comes from this thread, it's that people who feel inclined and able to support someone will look for the less-replied threads and try and give some support there.
My support threads VERY commonly get 1 or 2 replies, if I am lucky.
While this does hurt and suck quite a bit and I really wish I were more liked and popular so I could get the ample support some members tend to get, I can't really criticize it. As it's been said, it's human nature. The people who have a lot or replies? most of those replies come from their friends or people who like them. When you're new or, like me, don't have that many friends, logically, less people reply to your threads.
In another sense, I agree with the folks who said it isn't solely about popularity. Some of the support threads with over a hundred pages are for people I've never seen in chat or anywhere on the forum or hardly even heard about. And it has to do, like someone said (I am way too lazy to quote. Sorry, dudes.) with the person updating the thread regularly, garnering more replies and keeping the thread high up on the board where people can see. I tend to make support threads when I am VERY upset and when I eventually cool down, I'm not really "in the mood" to reply to my thread anymore. And it isn't being ungrateful - I am grateful to EVERY single member who has ever taken the time to listen to me and support me. It's just that when I'm in a different state of mind and have "moved on", I don't really need the thread anymore as such.
I hope I'm making sense. I've had a long day, it's late and I'm tired!
tu as tant de choses à dire,
mais le tout reste enfermer.
et quand tu ne sais plus quoi dire,
tu te mets à pleurer.
Mais ça ton publique le voit pas,
tu l'incites à rêver, pendant que toi tu le regarde...
Perhaps it's perception related as well. For example, Eli, a quick search of threads tells me none of your support threads have 1 or 2 replies, some have multiple pages. I say it's perception related cause I consider you having many friends and those are the people who reply to your threads, but you state you don't have friends. I'm not here to argue that point, just that of your threads I can see, they do get replies. And I am your friend :3
I agree this is a problem though, especially in some of the more slower moving boards, where threads have gone over a week or more (in some cases months) without any replies. But if they are left there hopefully someone will see it and be able to respond, and hopefully this thread will encourage more people to look out for those threads.
Many people would consider me in the "popular" crowd, or at least a has been, but few of my threads get replies en mass. I think it varries by person.
Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
Thomas Parke D’Invilliers
