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Alone.
Why oh why does my mind torture itself day in day out with the what if's and maybe's???
My mask is wearing incredibly thin... for a time I was wearing it so well I forgot it was on! Its not far off my ten year anniversary with SH, and still I haven't a single person in the world I can discuss it with, nobody in my life gets it, when its noticed its in the person's eyes, that reaction and double take....
Awkward discussion with my best friend (we've also been seeing each other) about it a couple of months ago, he was angry, horrified, confused.... called me stupid and although he was apologetic when he saw he hurt me it was too late for him to take back that instinctive harsh reaction. Irrespective of this he's still the person I confide in more than others but it feels like alas i'm losing him now... seeing me just messes with his head as he's seeing a girl he loves but can never have for real. He wants a girl he can have to himself and probably has one in mind. He swears blind i'll always be his best friend and i'll remain in his life but I don't think he'll keep his word, he'll realise that seeing me in any capacity won't be healthy for him... Knowing he's there stops me feeling so lonely, knowing that in time he'll be gone is agony. He might not always understand me but he knows me and looking around there really isn't anyone else who know me like that. Our relationship together has always been... complicated.
Not felt this weak for a long while and it scares me...
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