I have three children ages five, seven, and nine. I know that I can't tell them, "mommy has been really sad so she hurt herself", but they're noticing the scars on my arms and legs. I told them I fell off my bicycle. Any advice?
Hey. This is a real toughy. My daughter was 12 when my now EX husband decided to tell her that "mum cuts herself cos she wants to die" It was possibly the worst day of my life, cos I didnt want to die. Explaining it to her was so difficult, and even now at 19 she struggles with it a little.
SERENITY is my RYL mum.
SOLO is my RYL auntie.
SEFKA is my RYL daughter.
DAYS GONE BYE is my RYL sister.
JEFFERSON.MERIWETHER is my RYL son.
OLINESS is my RYL son.
I dread that conversation. My ex found out somehow and he made fun of me and commented about it in front of my parents, but they already knew. He's not a nice person.
I never asked you for a sailboat in the yard or that fancy dress to wear or a ceiling made of stars, and all I got was just this broken heart from you.
Thats why he is an ex, thumbs up for kicking him to the kerb.
I know I'm not a veteran poster but I've run into this situation too,
My 5 year old daughter asked what happened to my arm, my scars are very white so you can't see them til your up close, we were in the car going home from the beach, I had my arm wrapped around her, she was in the middle, and out of no where she caresses my arm and asked what happened..
I was like.. Err.. Nothing... *distract her*
I gotta find a way to deal with this too =\ incase it happens again, I hope it doesn't .. I've become very aware.. I go to lengths to make sure she doesn't see my leg, which is where.. yea it all happens.. I hide my leg from my partner too, if things are fresh, but I'm not so worried once things have healed.. even though I know hes going to know because theres new scarring *taps head wondering* hum.
I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you, but I'll offer you a hug anyway. **hugs** The thing that keeps crossing my mind is that they're going to be exposed to it in school. I don't know what it's like where you are located, but from everything I can tell, it's a growing trend in a lot of major cities (I keep hoping it'll miss my neck of VA, but I'm not holding my breath). I would almost lean towards not discussing it until they are exposed to it...and then talk about your struggles and how it's not a good idea and emphasize that they can always come to you, or another grownup, to talk about their feelings instead of hurting themselves. Hopefully that would give them information they need to help others they might encounter, while emphasizing that it's not something they should do.
Just a thought, take it for what it's worth. I don't have kids, myself, but care about several in the same age range as yours, so this isn't coming from a fellow parent. Hope it helps.
well.....I was able to somehow keep my son from seeing them until I waqs ready to have the talk.
I only see him a few times a year and I always wore long sleeves. There was a time he saw some burns on my wrist and I did lie.
but your kids are still very young to understand. If you absolutely have to harm, try doing it somewhere they simply cant see. I know it's hard, I really do.
This year my son turned 14 and I told him the truth about my scars and we talked and the relief was great but I think your kiddos are too young for that...and could pick up the behavior if they think it would "make them feel better".
I'm sorry that's all I've got.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx
I ahve three children too. ages 1, 7 and 9. I worry so much about what to tell them as you cant miss all of my scars on my arms and legs. I have had a lot of people ask me if I've had lot of cats in the past (that old cliche!) and did I work with chickens!!!! Luckily, at the moment, they see Mummy And not the scars because there are sooo many that have always been there and seem to grow as the days and motnhs go by.... But it wont be long before they do ask and I am petrified too!!! I will try to keep an eye on this thread - but I dont like coming to RYL much, as its bad for my mind)
Im sorry Im not much help - all (I can do is say I understnd completely!!) x
Slightly different as my children are older...17,21,23...ive been harming for nearly 8 years and have kept it hidden from them for just over 7 years..long sleeves etc...and i always keep my scars covered in dressings, so not even my husband has seen my scars.
Earlier this year my youngest daughter found a blade in the bathroom and along with having found things on my old pc which i thought I had talked my way out of (about a year beforehand)...she asked to see a school therapist and the school contacted us and therefore i felt i had to talk to her.
It was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. I told her it was my way of coping when i couldnt deal with my emotions. I told her that I didnt harm because I wanted to die...and speaking to an almost adult child about such awful things was horrible..and I have tears about it in writing this. Having spoken to my youngest I felt that i ought to speak to my other two children. Strangely enough, both of them had suspected because i have a few odd marks and scars on my arms.
My son (21) doesnt want to know about it or talk about it or have therapy and I do wonder if hes shutting himself off from it all..which can be a good or bad thing. My eldest daughter lives away from home...but we have offered both of them therapy if they feel they need it. My youngest is really struggling and after a long wait for her college to sort out therapy (which they do)...and we're still waiting..we've found some one private..she really cant wait any longer.
I guess, if i could turn back the clock....and those who know me and have followed all of this over the years ive been on ryl will be surprised at this...I would do things differently but only if they had been younger. The reason I say that is because I became ill when my son had cancer and maybe he realises i am ill because of that...but i dont want him to take the blame for it.....but I certainly, in hindsight would have told mine at an earlier age. Introduce it gradually so it doesnt become a huge shock when you have to tell them at an older age...kids arent stupid and they will wonder and maybe realise that something is going on...different to what mum is telling me and what is she hiding and is it bad or worse than i think..and these thoughts grow and maybe become distorted..
I could be wrong, but I know that from not talking to my kids...my youngest has really suffered through me thinking i was protecting them and trying to hide it all
I still do it...secrets. I harm on days when I know she'll be back late from work...or at a friends..or during the day when shes at college, so she never knows when im a hospital.....when will the secrets end...or is it being protective?
I'm not a parent so I've never been in that situation. But I do remember being a child and that children are much smarter than parents give them credit for. They understand way more than you think, they just can't communicate it yet. You're kids are pretty young, but personally, I'd think if a child figured it out or perhaps heard another person talking about it being intentional, they might get curious and try it themselves more likely if they aren't explained anything about it. When someone tries to hide something from you, once you figure out there's hiding going on, it seems human nature to try and learn more about it/experiment with it. Perhaps like someone said, you could introduce it gradually? Perhaps instead of explaining it as you do it to feel better, maybe explain it as a sort of illness? As in you're sick when you do it but you're doing things to get better (like taking medication, going to therapy, talking to other people, etc.)? That way maybe they wouldn't see it as a thing that is in any way good if it's described as "sick", but they also wouldn't have to figure things out on their own and get curious without anyone there to talk to them. Again, I'm not a parent so I could be way off, but that's just my opinion from what I can remember about being a child (I'm 22 now).
Stereotypes are the epitome of human laziness.
- me
I was in that situation before with a 9 years old child who noticed the white scars on my arms. I simply told her I had a car accident. The explanation must have been good enough for her, because she never asked again.
Are your scars very noticeable (I mean near pink) ?
-- English is not my mother-tongue, so I apologize for any spelling/grammar mistake --
.gif "rose")
I don't have kids, myself, but care about several in the same age range as yours, so this isn't coming from a fellow parent. Hope it helps.
