Kelly and I had a HUGE fight earlier. She tends to break things when she's angry..so she had to buy another phone and headphones for my laptop and yes I said MY laptop.
Things were great for a good while when I first came back but they are slipping fast. I had a flashback after she pulled the the phone wire out of the wall. My father used to beat me with phone cords. It's just terrible.
Tomorrow is halloween and Kaleb has to go trick or treating. I'm NOT going. Kelly has been wondering where all Kaleb's clothes are. I have always done the laundry but she told me when I got back that she would do it. Well she did it when neccesary but I did it tonight and folded and put it all away and found loads of his clothes. That simple. I'm sooo angry.
I'm at a point of live or die...I already know the devastation it would do to keith but I'm at a point that if ECT doesn't work and my life doesn't change...I'm scared that I will impulsively kill myself. That's my pattern..I never plan it..I just do it. I don't want to get to that point and I'm keeping myself as busy as a bee but I'm so sore from the flashback.
I'm really overwhelmed and need to relax. I've taken xanax and am waiting to see if it will help any.
Sorry to be a burden. It's so upsetting for me to have come so far just to fall so far back...
You've been at a similar place before and come out of the other side of it. This is no different you CAN choose to live. Your life is in your hands. Be proactive and get support now. Talk to someone. Keith deserves to have a mum that is alive. This darkness will pass, you are stronger than this. Fight because you are worth it. We will be here to support you but only you can make that decision to live. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
As horrible as everything feels for you right now, it is not insurmountable and there are many other options out there. I would urge you to seek those out and in doing so, give life a chance.
As CrazyKat says, now is the time to reach out for help and support, and so I am glad you have made this thread, as that is a good start. Next, you need to speak to the person that prescribed the Xanax and let them know what is going on for you at the moment. They can help you develop a plan of action that will keep you safe.
Keep fighting this, as you can get through it.
Be gentle with yourself.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
doesnt take much.....why the ****??? why??? SHE takes him for granted for one thing!!! THAT bothers me!! And thinking of dead babies botherfs the **** out of me.
I lost my little brother when he was an infant. I remember the tiny coffin. i remember my mother not getting out of bed...i remember my dad taking advantage of that to rape me!!! so DONT speak of dead babies to me EVER!!
and a guilt trip...really??? yeah..thats what i need...what the **** ever.
Under the circumstances..I seem to be holding it together although with an awful migraine..ughh.
yesterday was nothing less than horrible. Kelly woke up and decided to continue the argument from the night before. I was calm..I had Kaleb ready..everything was in order.
After she got back from getting him to the doc and school things got out of control. I can't remember how it even started, but it ended up by her breaking our coffee table. It was already really wobbly and yes, it needed replaced. my Mom bought it for us 2 years ago when she bought our living room suit. she bought the table at a second hand store but our cats have jumped on it plus there wasnt much room for it in our tiny room...BUT Kelly kicked it and I went for the phone because I thought destroying special property to me, especially afte4r she destroyed the things the night before..sitting in jail for a few days might make her think!! well...of course, she knew what I was doing and trapped me down, twisted my arm and took the phone...so I told her i was going to leave because I simply cant take it anymore..so then she completely smashed the table to bits. everything came flying out..boards collapsed..nothing to salvage. I cried all day which sparked a headache that increased to a migraine last night.
PLEASE dont give me advice on leaving kelly right now, etc...im simply not up for anything. papaw took kaleb trick or treating and they kept him last night and took him to school this morning.
im so overwhelmed that my comprehension level is pretty shitty.
thank you all.
I love you to pieces Manda...I know I told you yesterday but Im saying it publicly..thank you for never ever judging me and always being that positive person I can count on.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You are going through so much right now, and the migraine is your bodies way of telling you to give it a bit of rest - So do try listen to it and try to look after yourself for a little bit.
I know everything around you is distressing right now, but is there something you can do that you find soothing, like a long bath or shower, or listening to some calming music?
I am sorry I do not have better words right now, but I am reading, and sending strength your way.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Things have calmed but I'm bitter and sad, angry, etc. I just want to feel an ounce better. I've been taking aspirin for the migraines as it seems to work best but now my stomach is burning...
Have you been eating with the asprin, as I know it can kick up stomach issues if taken without food. I can't take asprin, as my stomach never likes it - so am not sure what to suggest beyond maybe try to go a little without it to give your stomach a rest.
I am glad you have keith to hold on for. Do keep holding on.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
the angry man is telling me to disfigure my face or he will hurt the children......i know these voices very well as ive had them for years...i tell myself they arent real and in some sense i know they arent but when it lasdts sooo long, i begin to slip...
im slipping today...listening to loud music to try and drown him out..little good it does. kelly has gone to my xanax and i hope it knock me out..havent slept due to the noise...nboit very rational...but holding my own i suppose...
