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Not sure what I want any more *reeeelly long post*
Hi
Sorry for the random disappearing and returningness to RYL. I get very conflicted with emotions about returning here when I do appear.
Life's a bit of a bag of crazy allsorts at the moment and I guess I just want to let off. Might turn into a bit of a rant/randomness - sorry if it does. Not as much looking for advice as a hug or something really.
Also a lot of it probably seems really trivial in comparison to things that could be happening (some might say that should be a positive) but nevertheless its the sort of stuff via which my self esteem is really getting a bloody battering for right now.
And ya don't have to read all this if you don't want, it'll be quite long.
So...
1. Don't know why I'm even bloody bothering with the dance team this year. It's such a huge part of my life (outside of work/study) and it means so much (or it used to til now?).
Hubby doesn't really want to compete this year so have been trying out for a new partner (he is fine with this). Advanced tryouts yesterday, present - 3 girls and 3 guys. Result - 1 successful partnership and two guys fighting over the same girl. That girl is not me - she is much prettier, much better and talented (an A&F model I believe - you could not have made this up any better). I can compete with that - how???? So yeah I s'pose I'm the latin and ballroom booby prize, yet I am an Advanced level dancer but on the scrapheap. Maybe I'm superficial/vain/other but every freaking time I have to put myself in line with gorgeous amazing girls I feel about je big??? And no matter how much weight I lose or how hard I train, I'm always on the back foot, pardon the pun. It just makes me feel so sick and want to pull off every hair on their heads (oh God what a horrid thing to think!)
So I'm trying to turn my hand to help teach the beginners/novices, giving up my time after exhausting days at work. Ok its taking my mind off it and you know it actually makes me feel better but suddenly I'm being given very strong hints that my services are no longer required - yep the old 'no offence' line. Even though (yep here comes the vanity, look out) I can teach better than any of them put together. Theoretically I may as well go and rot as I think I've been hung out to dry by people being passive about the whole situation and not having the balls to make proper decisions.
The only person who is key in all of this is our team coach, but she has been away the past couple of weeks at these critical moments. She knows a lot about my difficulties - not everything of course but enough to realise I can become quite afflicted and emotional at various points. She's the only person who I know will hear me out fairly but equally I'm worried that it'll be seen as just me whingeing about toss.
I can't let go of it and walk away even though I know I'm getting screwed over because its such a massive part of my life and the only place where I have any real friends (though they may be few) and get away from the madness, so I'm feeling ever so tortured with it all. It will leave a huge hole in my life if I go.
2. I'm propping up my Mum because my Uncle and Auntie are currently splitting up and he had been staying with her for yages whilst he sorted himself a place. She's been going on holiday lots so she doesn't have to deal with the awkwardness of it all 24/7 but its stressing her out a fair whack. Without going into detail, he ended up moving in with a new woman but the latest is that apparently he's back staying with my mum again as there may be a chance he's getting back together with my aunt. My Mum's sceptical about this but in whatever case, she has to deal with the stress of the lodging all over again. Plus I think of all the times that my uncle used to get really p'd off with me for all the silly rubbish I used to do as a teenager on holidays, etc (being socially inadequate/inappropriate as I was/am) and I get super mad at the almost hypocrisy of it all. Potentially unfair but that's the emotion I feel.
3. I am walking the line between life and death with my own marriage. Again I don't want to go into detail but my hubby has been unemployed for so long and when he does get work its miles away. Yes its money but it drives us apart when he comes back because he's been away if you get me. When he's no work by his own admission he sleeps and plays computer games and occasionally does some housework when I leave him stuff to do before I go to work. So I'm propping him up and giving him encouragement to do something else with his life and all I seem to get is the whole thing turned around on me saying that it's because we don't get much bedroom action any more. In fact the mention of bedroom action is the only thing that appears to cheer him up these days, not dancing, not spending proper time with me. Sometimes I don't even think he pays attention to some things I say (eg, I had a panic attack in the supermarket the other week and he misinterpreted this as minor illnesses that I always complain about rather than the seriousness of it - he realised this later on and apologised but even so, the argument was not needed)
I emphasise - I love him so much and I can't be without him he is a huge font of support for me and always has been and I am trying my best to make life possible by holding down a 5 days a week job (which for me is mentally exhausting in itself) and trying to be encouraging and supportive whilst he's in this 'block'. I'm not resentful, I'm just utterly exhausted and worried that the combination of his/my interpretation of why things are rough will either finish me off or split us up. He nearly called it a day on holiday as it is -was not a great two weeks.
I think he's feeling very self conscious too as his brother's marriage is also rocky but he's married to someone no better than a bully. She's manipulative and so mean to him, and I would never be like that to my hubby. Plus with anything awkward or if she wants anything off us that's actually bordering on unreasonable she will always come to me to try and twist my arm because my hubby will say no and there'll be a huge argument. She's always had it in for him since she came on the scene anyway and there's a lot of horrible history there. I can't cope with acting as the go between here any more. And she only ever calls if she wants something off us these days.
Work these days is better: I have a new much better job in a far less stressful environment - at my last job I nearly got physically assaulted and was in danger of being made redundant/TUPE'd. Its also in the sector I want to make a career in which is great. But there's so much anxiety over settling in and making an impression that I feel like I'm so alone. There's another girl appointed in the same post who does mornings and I feel like everyone gets on better with her. As a socially awkward and slightly random sense of humoured person this is always an issue for me to contend with emotionally.
Fallout:
As it is, the stress of this week has already sent me down with the startings of probably flu (though working at a uni, dancing at a uni and getting a germy train every day might not be helping). I've also been having panic attacks again and I've definitely not been eating brilliantly (not by choice, hours are funny at work so I don't get a proper lunch) plus I'm spending money I should definitely be saving on clothes and other rubbish I don't really need to make myself even feel worth it.
I'm not sure what I want any more. I'm so sick of it all. Hopefully I won't do anything daft but not eating is a 'happy' coincidence.
Sorry for an evidently huge and messy post - ignore and I won't be offended, promise.
Last edited by BorderlineJiveQueen : 15-10-2011 at 02:12 AM.
Reason: typo
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