I've spent the last 3 and a half years of my life living in London. I moved from the Midlands for university and despite problems, I have been happier here than I have in my whole life. The Midlands just carry too many bad memories for me- it's a pit of negativity for me.
Now I'm being forced to move back there. I am looking for a job at the moment and claiming benefits. I'm not going into details on the situation because attitudes vary when it comes to jobcentres and benefits and I'm not turning this into a debate. Basically my choice is to lose money for 6 weeks or move back to the Midlands.
I don't know what that means for my life. I have a relationship here, I have friends, I have a nice place to live, I have part time piano students, I have an area without any bad memories. All of it is going to be gone, just like that. I have nothing in the Midlands apart from my parents who don't understand the concept of giving someone space. Not meaning to sound ungrateful- I know there are some who wouldn't even have that and would be ****ed in this situation, just saying I would be going from semi-independant to not having 5 minutes to myself.
I don't know if I can take this. I've cut so much today that I'm going to be found out by everyone, and I'm not even back there yet. I'm considering putting myself in hospital as a "third option" to lose money or go home- but that would result in my parents dragging me home to look after me anyway.
I'm just a total mess and scared of what I might do between now and then. Everything is over. Everything...
"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."
*Huge, huge hug*. I felt taht way about leaving Amsterdam- clean slate, new friends, etc. And then giving it all up.
Is there any way your parents could help out? If you explained how much you need to be in London, how much better you are there, maybe they would understand... I don't know your situation, so don't want to presume.
It's nothing to do with my parents, nor anything they could help with. They are not the ones forcing me to go home- though they will definitely prevent me from leaving if they see that I've been harming again.
I'm drained now to be honest. I barely got any sleep, I'm sore and wishing I hadn't cut, I don't know if they're infected because I didn't bother cleaning them. I just feel totally defeated. I know there are some things I could save, even with moving away- I just don't have the energy to preserve them.
Like I said, I really don't want any kind of debate or lecturing on this thread, but if you or anyone else want to know the full situation (not triggering at all), then I will tell you.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : details of why I have to go- hidden to prevent debate
The jobcentre made me go to an interview for some work experience. I had to go or they would stop my money, I couldn't mess up the interview or they would stop my money. I was successful. The shop can ask me to go in any time from 5am to 10pm, any day of the week for 2 months. It is unpaid. Basically free Christmas staff for them. If I don't do it without an iron clad reason, I lose my benefit for 6 weeks and would have to go home anyway. I am not one of these people content to sponge off the government, I genuinely want a job- any job. But I am not being treated like a slave. I am not working unpaid for the whole of Christmas where they can snap their fingers at any moment and drag me in. My contract in the place I'm staying now runs out at the end of next week. I have asked to renew it, but the only fool proof way of getting out of being a slave is to move back with my parents, then I can say I'm really sorry, my contract is up and I have to move to the Midlands, so I can't do it. Any other thing I can think of they will have heard a thousand times before. I don't know what else to do.
"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."
Is there no way you could find another place to go for work experience? I think wherever you go it's still gunna be the same. They shouldn't have different rules in different places. Saying that, they never know what they're on about anyway so who knows?
I'd check first though if you can change where you can do your work experience first though before you move back
Things like this are very rare- I've never come across it before and neither has someone I know who works in that area. If I move it will just be back to standard looking for work- if I can find some excuse not to do the work exp then I won't have to move and it will just be back to standard looking for work here.
I've arranged to chat with the person I know who works there over the weekend to see if there are any kind of loopholes etc, but based on both my personal experience of jobcentres and the experience of my connection there that there probably aren't. The person I know there is one of the higher ups- although I would never put him in the position of helping me at the risk of his own job, him backing up my reasons for not wanting to do it would probably put some weight behind them...
"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."
stacey rawr, thank you so much for initiating the thought process in my head. I can just get work experience somewhere else like volunteering or something. If I became a volunteer and said it was more useful to my career plans than what they tried to make me do, it may be acceptable? I don't know if it will work but it's worth a try. Thank you =]
"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."
It's nothing to do with my parents, nor anything they could help with. They are not the ones forcing me to go home- though they will definitely prevent me from leaving if they see that I've been harming again.
I'm drained now to be honest. I barely got any sleep, I'm sore and wishing I hadn't cut, I don't know if they're infected because I didn't bother cleaning them. I just feel totally defeated. I know there are some things I could save, even with moving away- I just don't have the energy to preserve them.
Like I said, I really don't want any kind of debate or lecturing on this thread, but if you or anyone else want to know the full situation (not triggering at all), then I will tell you.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : details of why I have to go- hidden to prevent debate
The jobcentre made me go to an interview for some work experience. I had to go or they would stop my money, I couldn't mess up the interview or they would stop my money. I was successful. The shop can ask me to go in any time from 5am to 10pm, any day of the week for 2 months. It is unpaid. Basically free Christmas staff for them. If I don't do it without an iron clad reason, I lose my benefit for 6 weeks and would have to go home anyway. I am not one of these people content to sponge off the government, I genuinely want a job- any job. But I am not being treated like a slave. I am not working unpaid for the whole of Christmas where they can snap their fingers at any moment and drag me in. My contract in the place I'm staying now runs out at the end of next week. I have asked to renew it, but the only fool proof way of getting out of being a slave is to move back with my parents, then I can say I'm really sorry, my contract is up and I have to move to the Midlands, so I can't do it. Any other thing I can think of they will have heard a thousand times before. I don't know what else to do.
From what you explained about your reasons for leaving I think you are completely right. I won't go into it either, to avoid debate, but honestly I think you are doing the right thing in that sense. But god... All that is really difficult to cope with and I'm sorry you're going through it.
How are you healing?
I coped surprisingly well- I was moving to edinburgh, which held horrible memories for me. But I started off feeling as though maybe it would be different. I met someone and I threw myself into uni work... But I also drank, heavily, every single day, so maybe I'm lying when I said that was good coping. Now I am in LDN again. I thought memories here would be hard to cope with too... but actually it is easier. Edinburgh gave me intense anxiety, this doesn't.
Anyway the point of that deviation was: the only thing that helped me with coping was finding something to throw myself into. So maybe if you could find a job at home (I know it's not easy right now!!!) you could throw yourself into working towards coming back to London at some point? That way the time at home is a transition period, rather than what probably feels like a step back... Over the time you are there, your plans/ aims might change but as they do, you will still know that it isn't pointless, that it has a purpose. I don't know what to suggest about the memories but I hope you find strength to deal with them. When do you need to head home?
Sorry if this is unhelpful. My inbox is always open (except when I forget to delete things!!) and if my advice is ***** I can always just listen!
