Heartless??

[Loopsie]

Well there is a whole long back story but basically i have some mental health problems, my sister craves the attention of professionals so copy’s everything that’s up with me
She tried to kill herself by overdose (because i did) and i didn’t care. Not even a little. People who know say, i think u do care really. But i genuinely don’t.
If she would have died i wouldn’t have even flinched.
My mum then asked me a few questions, like if all my family were in a car crash and died would i be sad. And i don’t know. I couldn’t answer her. But i dont think i would care. So long as i could still go to university and it wouldn’t affect my own life.

Through seeing councillors (who suck and so i refuse to see/try to bite/make cry/growl at them) they always ask 'on a scale of 1 to 10 how happy are you' i cant answer. I can never answer. So i just say 5 because its neutral. The day my boyfriend proposed to me, i was a 5. The days ive tried to kill myself i was a 5.

I get called cold an heartless but i dont see it. My mom gets mad at me for it a lot.
i really don’t see it. But everyone else seems to.

[Sheltie90]

Sometimes our emotions can be at a stand still, we dont feel nothing because we dont want to feel nothing, if that makes sense?
I suspect if your family did die in a car crash (god forbid) you would be sad, you probably cant see it now but it would probably 99% affect you.
I don't know your past or anything, but perhaps if you got hurt a lot in the past, your way of dealing with it is to shut down your emotions? I did that for about a year then when i finally did cry it wouldnt stop. It doesn't mean your heartless or cold x x

[Papercut]

i do the same thing, youre not heartless x x

[Kitkat :)]

Ah. I'm like that. If I think of my grandad dying, I well up. The moment I think of my mum dying, my eyes just dry right up and I feel nothing.

[roiben]

I wonder what makes you think you do not care about these things happening - do you rate your level of caring by the amount you cry, or show emotions? As others have said, it is not unusual to become distanced from emotion as a defense mechanism and, the fact that you have tried to od and harm yourself show that you do feel things a lot normally and are trying to find ways of coping with this (harming and oding being methods of doing this).

I wonder if the amount of emotion these things would create becomes too easily lost amongst all the other things you are thinking and feeling, to the point of being difficult to distinguish.

I know you have said you do not like counsellors - and I know that not every counsellor is suitable for everyone. I do think though that it would help you to be able to discuss these things with a professional. Actually discuss the things that count to you, like the fact that you have lost the finite gaugue (sp?) of emotions they may be asking you for and the reasons you have for your harming and oding - rather than immediately branding them the same as another counsellor you may have seen in the past. After all, I am sure you do not want people to tarnish you with the brush of other people? It is wise therefore to not do the same to others. My suggestion would be to give them a chance.

I also think looking into some form of family therapy may be helpful in dealing with the issue of your sister craving attention and looking for it through copying your actions. This would then involve the family dynamics and be able to ensure the focus is on the family as a whole and not either you, or your sister.

Roiben x