scared writing this, but i need to i guess.sorry if jumbled but head isnt so great atm
emotions have been all over the place since stopping lithium (doc knew), such as choking back tears over fuking commercials ( idont cry, wasnt allowed, hate it).
feeling i should be harnming if im stil here/part of here
(which 'rational' head says if thats hiow i feel, its time to fuking run)
feeling i should still be, since i was put on early retiementy; i should be 'ill' if im classified that, no?
realizing how i have no friends, no irl frioends, go out for drinks gf's kind of thing...
recently realizing that i dont care...i dotn mind being totally alone (bar my H and daugfhter)
is easier this way actually
but i suppose not 'healthy'
but what do i say when the qestion of work comes up?
'Oh taking some time off'
'Yeah, damn, got laid off..stupid economy'
;'thinking of going backl to school'
all plausible..but they have to have an end result.
feeling so useless when i look/read about so many of you (majority i believe) still working and/or schoolijg and i feel so....
useless
wortheless
lazy
stupid
used up
evil
just plain ****
i dont know what antyone can say, i'll likely delet as its crap
and im sorry
*hugs*
I know nothin I say will probably help but I know how hard it is to think of things to say when people ask about work etc?
"So what are you up to at the moment?"
What do you say?? "Nothing" "I'm a mental health patient" "Errrrrm"
It reinforces the fact that you feel useless.
I guess I just want to say the term 'recovery' means different things to different people. I'm not sure 'recovery' is the word I mean but what I'm trying to say is that we're all different, and comparing yourself to people who are working and/or at college/uni etc. doesn't mean you are any less than them. You are just different, and will find your place in your own time.
Words are just words - I just want you to know you're not alone, you have us on here. How supportive are your family? Can you talk to someone about how you're feeling today? Or pop into your local MH clinic, just to be around people who understand.
Thank you so much for replying! It really means a lot to me.
I'm not actually 'in' therapy atm...I'm beginning to think I'm one of those ppl who really do not benefit form the traditional talking therapies.
I know some may think that is avoidance, but my doc has agreed with me on that point.
He has been a wonderful support and is very open to what i want in my treatment/meds to try/etc.
It really does reinforce the negative feelings, thanks for acknowledging that, but I suspect it comes from personal experience?
Just a quick thought - I know you say traditional talking therapies aren't for you but just wanted to share - When I first went to my local MH clinic they told me about 'group therapy' .... I was horrified, there was NO WAY I was going to sit with a bunch of strangers and talk about my deepest darkest thoughts. They talked me into attending one and it was the best thing I could've done. I didn't say anything for a few sessions at first, but to be around people who understood (although we all had different 'issues') was such a relief.
That's why I suggested popping into a local clinic, or local mind or rethink place. Not necessarily to talk to someone, just to be around similar people who won't care whether you cry/shout/say nothing at all.
Lol, I had the same reaction whe they first sugrested it!
The prioblem was, at that time, they told me it wasnt set up for sh of any sort so i cou;ldnt mention it, which made it difficult.
(It was offered to me as a substitute of IP at the time. they didnt want to have to re-admit me)
Not on;ly did i have the worry of talking/opening up to strangewrs, but i had to 'censor' what i said.
Plus, i shouldnt have been sllowed on the corse as i was too unstabel and ended up being removed by police during a session!!
Was so angered by that. Yes, i was unstable but that was jsut horribvle asnd totally ridiculous.
I have been referred to a new program that ios set up for ppl with 'lifelong MI and addiction issues'.
My couns. is wonderful but atm since im not actively trying to quit, i feel im wasting her time...need to confirm with her what the 'requirements' are.
Why should she watse time on me if im not trying/wantiing?
But you are not any of the statements listed above. You are my froggy friend who is "in transition" for employment.
You are a devoted, loving Wife and Mom who has stepped away from her previous position to help care for the needs at home. Perfectly logical Romp. You are needed at home to help with your D and H and they need you at home to help Romp.
I hope you woke up to a beautiful day. I still think of that awesome pic you sent to me from the view of your back yard. It is crystal clear and comfortable temps here today.
Time to drive another nail Romp. This one is for you!
I know it's hard to think of something when people ask you what you're doing and you're not doing anything, I have it all the time. I think it seems worse when you know why but you don't want to say what it is. If you get what I mean.
You're not any of those things that you said you are. And you're not wasting your counsellor's time. I'm sure if you were she would say something. She's there to help you whether that be with self harm or mental illness or whatever. Honestly, I'm sure you're not wasting her time :)
My PM box is open if you want to talk
Sorry i didnt reply sooner.
thx so much for your replies/care.
to cut it short, things havent been too good.
Fear of the cameras/watcvhers are back.
Right at THIS moment, i know it is not true.
But 'this' moment doenst last long atm.
sorry for not replyin to pm/emails here..partly not good and partly comp is messed up
anyways, thank you for taking the time, for caring...
I am sorry to have not found this post earlier, Romp. I wish I knew words that would help. I understand the "Right this moment" comment, I get that a lot at the moment as I flit in and out of my psychosis and go from knowing to not knowing.
Do try to remember that there is nothing wrong with taking time away from work while working on ensuring you yourself are well and safe. I know I am one of those people that is currently working, but I have also had times when I have not been working and know what you mean about finding it hard to explain. Maybe letting people know you are taking time to focus on yourself and your family? As that is what you are doing, and it is a valuable choice and one that is in no way bad. I think it says more for the person who judges it as in any way negative than it does about you.
Thinking of you.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Hello my darling! Put post it notes up around the place to remind yourself that you ARE safe and things ARE going to be okay. When you're in the dark spots try telling yourself that you're feeling this way now but it will pass. Just hold on. *cuddles* You can do this honey. You CAN!
Love always! Your nnsbjb!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
