Contains Suicide - Any advice welcome - please

earthbound_misfit · 29-09-2011, 12:41 PM

Right okay **deep breath** here is the situation...
When I was younger I went to the docs for depression, and was mis-diagnosed BPD. I cannot stress the MIS part enough - I am not being deluded, and even at the time the PD questionnaires said I didnt have it (scored 3 of six on a BAD day). Cut a long story short, I went through hell at their hands, and eventually gave up on them. A couple of years later, having survived, left a long abusive relationship, and got somewhere with my goals in life (including travelling and much thoughtfulness) I wrote a book, a story about a girl called Megan but based on my experiences.

About a year ago, I started getting suicidal. Despair, hopelessness and worthless feelings crept up from my heart and took hold at points.
For simplicity here, I am gonna call it 'head stuff' and 'heart stuff'. Head stuff is to do with relating to people, thought processes etc. Heart stuff is emotions that apparently spring from nowhere and literally feel as if they are creeping up from your heart/within (though think they are maybe thought processes too maybe, but really deep unconscious ones).
Now head stuff can affect heart stuff and vice versa, but my head stuff is sorted - to talk to me you'd think I was fine. When younger I identified negative thought processes etc and corrected them.
Problem is heart stuff that takes hold. No matter how 'sensible' my thoughts are, these feelings strike randomly and I CANNOT think straight, or rather, feel overwhlemed with worthlessness.
In my opinion, I fit the 'complex PTSD' label perfectly, due to the traumatuc experiences of abusive relationship/MH neglect & abuse/homelessness etc that I experienced in my early 20's (26 now).
I would say that my problem is I have a lot of 'uncried tears' and need a space to heal. However this would include being in a safe place when the suicidal/worthless feelings take hold.
My friends, as they say, cannot be there all the time. I wish I could coordinate them as there are enough who care to spread thinly so this should be possible! I do not ask to talk etc, just a quiet hug and non-judgmental company, even a few of them carrying on chilling together and understanding I will be there quietly for a bit. This is possible/has/does happen at points.
The MH system is failing me horribly again. I need help with practical things like sorting out my housing benefit, and struggle. My CPN was helping with this stuff but has recently (after reading psych notes from years ago!) become useless. This morning (2 days after leaving hospital as suicide risk, 1st time ive ever been admitted) she told me "You'd better go and sort it out" despite the fact that I tried last week and had a panic attack which was part of what led me to breakdown. The advocacy service are helping to contact welfare rights people etc with stuff like this but it shows how **** my cpn is.
They are making me worse like this. I want to kill myself to leave this hell. The heart stuff is taking over.
I CANNOT, repeat CANNOT get the help I need from them. I know people here will say go to get help etc, cant take that responisibility etc but can we take all that as a given please?
I need actual practical advice here - what do I do, I have to get better on my own, and I actually can't.
Should I try to talk to all my friends at once and explain? It is so hard because when it hurts so much I feel I'm not worth it. TBH I dont know if I actually could gather them together, 2 arent speaking to me atm cos they say its too much - they freaked when I was relased from hospital too early. Because my friends arent 'coordinated' (dunno what other word to use) then the pressure really fell on these two. And of course, I am scared they will turn around and say 'no'. Im not worth it.

Please please any advice welcome - no matter how silly it may seem, I gotta get better without professional help so anythings better than nothing.
To hell with the judgemental, lying, sadistic MH service

Timeless Wounds · 29-09-2011, 08:10 PM

hey, how are you out there? Hope you feeling better. I feel the same about not getting help and want to sort it myself. System has let me down twice. So we got to find it within us. This heart ache lingering about.
From one stranger to another please dont think about suicide. It will hurt to not have a response from you, if you were to commit suicide.
The pain is much but the storm shall soon pass. We going through tuff times, its life, ups and downs.
Sit yourself down and go through what needs sorting, and work towards them. Take each day and week as it comes. Hopefully by the end of the month,some things will be sorted, not all but eventually you will get there. Maybe go to the housing tommorow, let me know how you get on. You do this for yourself and turn things around. We live in this big bad world and it will let us down, but never give in.
Take Care Be Safe. Lots of huggs x

dollpart · 30-09-2011, 01:23 AM

Hi, how are you?

It sounds like you've been through a really, really tough time. It's great that you are aiming for betterness in a way that you feel is best for you, despite how horribe you feel. What led you to be in hospital as a suicide risk? How long were you there?

I've "made myself better" a few times. Each time it was difficult and each time I failed to sustain the wellness. I really need the medication I'm on. But that doesn'[t mean it isn't always a fight to be well, it isn't magic as you know. So, from the times I have made myself better- as I plan to try to do now- this is what has worked:

1) Exercise. Gently when you're sad, more vigorously with anger, etc. It may not take your mind off it but it gives a different pace to the thoughts and feelingsand even making them less repetitive can make them less powerful.

2) DEMAND the help you need. I see how your experiences must make you really untrusting of MH services and that's completely understandable. But for practical things, grab hold of what you can: citizens' advice, job centre, whatever- and *make* them help you. I'm so sorry it caused you so much distress but remember housing benefits, etc are your *right*.

3) I think talking to your friends would be a good idea. You don't need to delve into feelings you aren't ready to cope with alone. Just explain, clearly and in a basic form, exactly what is going on for you. Be truthful as you can without hurting yourself more.

4) Write? You're dealing with really hard things and you do need to cry somehow. Try whatever ways you think you can get it out. You will find one. Have you tried counselling w/ voluntary organisations instead of from the mental health services? That can be helpful.

Anyway I really hope this isn't just stupid or unhelpful. i'm around if you need, trying to get away from awful thoughts and feelings in my own head/heart so I understand some of what you mean.

Take care

earthbound_misfit · 01-10-2011, 12:16 PM

thanks for your replies, they are really helpful. And thanks for the encouragement too :) x