worry about meds and moods

beautiful_seclusion · 28-09-2011, 04:34 AM

kinda wanted some feedback here.... i've been diagnosed with ADHD and PMDD, and i'm on ritalin and klonopin and birth control. back story for me is that I was misdiagnosed for a long time as bipolar and other things, and all the antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics made me much much worse. So I now won't take them, because I literally cannot function on them and my entire mental health goes down the drain.

So when they diagnosed me with ADHD and PMDD and I risked trying different types of drugs and things seemed to get better, i was extremely happy as well as surprised, because I had just been handling my mood/attention problems without meds, which is possible but not very pleasant, as the other meds made me entirely non-functional (and I took them exactly as prescribed). Anyway, lately i think i'm developing a tolerance to the medications, and I don't think the PMDD ever totally went away. The Ritalin is seeming to wear off sooner, and I feel like I'm just taking a drug every morning to wake me up and make me do better in school, even though I definitely agree with the ADHD diagnosis. To me it just feels no different than abusing drugs. And now that I seem to possibly be developing a tolerance, I don't know what to do. I'm not concentrating very well except in the morning for the several hours after I take it.

And the PMDD, assuming that's what it is, drives me insane. I'm pretty sure that diagnosis is right cause I always get very depressed the week or two before my period, it seems to peak right before or right during my period, and then the depression is abruptly gone. Then it seems like I get almost overly hyper the first day or a few days into my period, but that might be some of the ADHD just coming out after the depression goes away, i don't really know. Then it seems to slowly fade to where I'm "normal" for a week or two, and then it'll hit and get worse and worse until my cycle is done. This last month I wanted so bad to go back to SI, even though I haven't done that in over a year. That's how I used to handle these cycles of moods, etc. before I understood any of it, so I think my brain just wants to go back to that since it in some ways worked. So obviously what i'm on isn't working.

So last time, even though I said the meds were working fine, the doctor wanted to put me on an anti-depressant for PMDD, but I have had such horrible reactions to anti-depressants, as well as the other kinds I mentioned, that I just know I should not take it. Every time I trust them on meds in those 3 categories, they make me so bad I cannot function whatsoever, but I'm also very frustrated with my symptoms. I don't know what to do. I don't see any reason to go to counseling, since it's obviously chemical/horomonal, and I "handle" it, as in I function fine and cope, I'm just f*ing miserable when symptoms come and struggling not to SI. All a counselor will do is try to get me to come up with treatment goals and coping skills that I already use, which is what's always happened in the past, and so they tell me I don't need it anymore. Cause I really don't.

I also have noticed a pattern where symptoms get more pronounced during the winter, but not like I'm always depressed, but I notice a definite change in how I act/feel in the winter. It's hard to describe. Everything seems to heighten during the winter, both the good and the bad. I actually enjoy winter, but it seems to bring on some odd changes. I also seem to isolate more, but in a way of just liking being alone not a depressed type isolation. Which I'm not even sure is bad, because I tend to have a solitary personality anyway. I also get olfactory hallucinations which have never been explained, which seem to be more frequent in the winter, so i'm not entirely looking forward to that as even the pleasant ones become unpleasant after a day or two of them lingering. So I don't know if I should mention any of that to them, I'm afraid it'll just bring on more pushing of medications I know will cause more harm than good and more flippant labels by doctors that barely know me. It's like they want to diagnose and hand out medication but they don't actually care to sit down and see if they're fixing anything (or making it worse). Yet I'm getting frustrated and have no where to turn to but them.

What would you do? I'm completely not exaggerating on the anti-depressants/other medications making me worse, even psychs who have actually spent the time to hear my story have said they were glad I took myself off of them (which is almost unheard of). But I know of no other treatment for PMDD and the ADHD thing makes me feel like I'm just using this drug and that i'll just need more and more like you would an illegal drug. So i'm kinda frustrated. I don't know if I'm even going to mention any of my frustration in my appointment tomorrow, cause I don't know that any of the treatment they would offer would be acceptable considering my history. Any advice or can anyone relate?

roiben · 28-09-2011, 01:37 PM

I wonder if the dose is something to consider when reviewing meds. Often for depression or bi-polar, higher doseages of ADs and APs are considered effective, it may be that as you are highly sensitive to them, you actually need a lower dose, such as those used as sedative for sleep. For example, Amitryptiline (sp?) is an older AD, but is also used as a sleeping tablet for people with arthritis as it was found to have a sedative effect as the lower doses.

It is worth discussing the options with your Psych. It is also worth looking at what has been tried and what has not yet. It may be that a different type would suit you better. I know that is not helpful and incredibly frustrating, but it sounds like you are one of those people that has to try a fair few meds before finding the right fit for you.

Roiben x

beautiful_seclusion · 03-10-2011, 01:57 AM

Yeah I did mention the issue to the doctor, and he said if I ever did decide to try any, the dosage would be extremely low and would be closely monitored. I've been on low dosages but they'd put me on so many at once that it was impossible to tell what was doing what. Another thing he said could be tried (which hasn't) is that ADs can sometimes be used for only during part of your cycle in PMDD, which would make sense why if they were being used both when your horomones were off and when fine they'd cause problems. So it's possible I just needed to take it only during certain times of the month. But I'm gonna wait and see what I wanna do, cause I am functional, just miserable during those times. Which wasn't the case on the meds, so it's kinda the lesser of two evils when comparing the two experiences. Like right now, I feel totally fine, but I know in about 2 weeks or so I'll feel like **** for no reason at all.

Although I do have to say the ritalin is working more than i realized. I forgot to take it the other day and the difference was night and day. So that part is definitely working, and ADHD is definitely part of the problem.

roiben · 03-10-2011, 02:05 PM

I have always been made to make only one change at a time by my care team, so that we know what affect each change is making.

I think it sounds like it is worth discussing lower doses with your psych, and also considering using it more as a PRN.

Roiben x