Can't stress leave me alone for a while, please?

[Stellata]

Wtf.
My flatmate said the other week that she'll struggle to pay the heating bills this Winter.
This evening she announced to me that she is buying a dishwasher, and getting someone in to fix the cupboards around it. And a plumber to fix the pipes.

And I'm just supposed to passively assent to this, because I have no choice.
*throws kitchen implements around*

I.can't.take.any.more.stress.
And yes, having random carpenters messing around in the kitchen so I won't be able to cook, when I'm already struggling to eat right REALLY helps me. Not.

If I could move out now, I would.

Except I've already got 3 stressful as-et-uncertainties happening next month. And my health, physical and emotional, is suffering already.

[Margo]

I think the underlying stress of (im guessing the job) is playing havoc with pretty much anything and everything.

When the ground is taken from beneath your feet it can be so hard to find your footing.

Read your signature, it may help "We cannot change anything unless we accept it".


Gaining acceptance of the self is one thing. Wanting the acceptance of others is another, but true inner peace comes with the acceptance of others also. n-penguin


Im sure things will be ok.

[Stellata]

Thanks.

That's wise. Just, I'm having a hard time with Wise right now.

Yes, my job, also my Dad's illness. Plus something else I can't talk about here. And it's hard enough working to accept how my flatmate is right now, and myself and my feelings in relation to that and her.
And then she does this!
I am SO pissed off!
Like I can afford to eat takeaway or sarnies for a week or whatever? Like I won't even be able to do my *censored* washing? Like I might actually want a bit of privacy at home when I am so stressed out by every aspect of my life having insecurities in it? Oh no, she can't wait. Must have a dishwasher [and a dishy man to put it in?]?! Why, in the name of Persil?

[Mrs Sam]

Could you arrange a few days at your parents to coincide with the work?

[Stellata]

It would be good if I could. Thanks for the idea, Sam. It's just...among other things, there is no room [not unless I spend like a week clearing out my old room, which I aim to get to at some point], and they're over in SE London, and I'm right in NW London, and everything for me is up here. The commute would be a stressful nightmare I'm not willing to inflict on myself.
It's alright for her, her parents live less than 15 minute's drive away.

[Mrs Sam]

If you took it as a break though then q commute wouldn't be an issue.

You have to try and remember although it feels like the world is against you this decision has been made with her best interests in mind. She has a young son yes? Well I guess she wants the flat as safe/ nice as possible for him. Do you know how long the work would take? Can it coincide with you being at work then have picnic type food for the night?

[Margo]

We all have work on our homes. We all go without water and heating and electricity from time to time. I see no reason why you cant cope and cope well with this.

Make a list. find out how long it will take and when the workmen will be there. then plan around it. do all your washing before they come and make sure you have enough to see you through. Im sure you can keep some knickers in a plastic bag for a week in your room.

when the water gets turned off make sure there is plenty spare sorted before hand. fill the kettle, bottles and whatever else.

Chances are you will be working when they are there. A couple of days at most should be all it takes. the water will be off for short periods only and they will put it back at night.

[Stellata]

Yes, yes, I know.
But a dishwasher is hardly essential maintenance! Sorry, I can't see it beyond my own 'selfishness' right now. Well, she's being selfish, I can too.
If it's more than a week, I'm moving out.

[Mrs Sam]

If it's more than a week then she picked the wrong builder! I'd say 2-3 days tops! And a dishwasher saves water so it's actually more Eco friendly. Plus they make life easier in the long run.

[startingagain]

Can you find out how long it is going to take and the times, so that you can plan around it? The dishwasher will take less than an hour to put in place and so the cupboards will be the bit that could take some time.

[Margo]

Can i ask why shes being selfish? I really dont see what she is doing wrong?

[Stellata]

The selfishness is in causing more upheaval in my life and doing something that isn't in my control [making me feel more helpless - I know, I know, but everything together really wears me down] exactly when things are MOST stressful - waiting to hear re my job's future, and my father's diagnosis, plus the other thing. Even if she'd waited like a month or so when my life's settled down a bit. But no, this is somehow 'urgent'?
Thing is, if the cost is ok, she wants ALL the kitchen cupboards done.

Not being able to cook and eat or feel welcome in my own home [apparently, but at the end of the day I AM only the lodger] is BIG issue for me. Having strange men around is a huge issue.

[Margo]

Ok :)

[finding_reason]

I have never really posted in vets, but saw your thread, Katie and wanted to reply - hope that's okay with everyone.

Katie,

To be honest I think that you are overreacting, I know that you said that you are being "selfish", I'm not even sure if thats whats happening perhaps rather blowing things out of proportion is a better way of framing it. I don't say this is a critique at all, because I can COMPLETELY understand how when like ninjapenguin said when the floor beneath you is non existent or shaky at best it can be difficult to be able to look at things for what they are realistically as opposed to what they feel like.

If we break things down a little bit perhaps we can put some things into perspective:

• a dishwasher shouldn't take more than 2 hours at the most to be put in, the water will be shut off for minutes - the time it takes for the hose to be connected to the piping. That could happen even when you are at work or out at therapy etc and not even bothered by it.
• Just because you don't feel that a dishwasher is a necessity - doesn't mean a single mum with a little one doesn't. If you don't want to use that is your choice but I imagine it is considered essential in a lot ways for her. is that a bad thing? I don't think so. Just different places in life is all.
• With regards to the cupboards - I think you need to know when and what they are doing - generally speaking cupboards can take a day or two tops if you have a big kitchen. Again contractors work during the day - an inconvenience that may happen whilst you are out doing your daily activities. Surely if there is an evening where you have to eat out, use a microwave dinner isn't the end of the world. That being said, I am slightly confused about why you wouldn't be able to cook? Yes the cupboards will not be in their typical state but that doesn't mean that you can't use the stove/ fridge/ bench space to cook?

To be fair - the statement why couldn't she have waited until a month from now? Well surely the ideal world would suggest that for you things would have shifted for the better but you are not even 100% sure of that. If we look at all that has transpired this year, you went from 1 big uncertainty to now 3, things fluctuate and are unpredictable we can't expect anyone to wait until it's all better because its life and things wax and wane all the time.

I know it can be difficult but circumstances in our lives are not other people's fault regardless of how they are connected to us and I think it's important to be mindful of that and recognise that not evenyone is going to be as prepared or equipped to accommodate whats happening for us which is fair enough. I can understand that it can feel like the world is against you, I am experiencing these feelings at the moment actually, but its not the case, and I can't just stop being appropriate because I'm upset that life is challenging me.

I personally think the best bet is to make a plan and to speak with the housemate in a nice manner and ask for a timeline about when things will be happening so that you can prepare accordingly. Ie: ensuring that you have some snacks on hand in your room, asking for a shift or asking your manager to move around the roster so that you are working on the day that the majority of the work is going to be done, being prepared emotionally and mentally for changes in the kitchen what feelings that may stir up for you etc.

I hope that this doesn't come across as an attack because it is not at all what I intended for it. I can completely understand the feelings that you speak about however I also am not sitting inside your world so can see the outside as well. As always if you need anything Katie, you know where you can find me. If you want to talk about your 3 uncertainities I'm here to listen. Take good care of yourself and make sure that you are finding a balance of self-soothing activities in your day - therapy is great and very safe but its not real life and its important that we can create within us the ability to ease some of the overwhelm that we experience on any given day as well.

Be gentle with yourself Katie,
ashleigh

[Stellata]

Thank you Ashleigh.

I am working through things in therapy.