Contains ED - One more time....

[Mousie]

Okay,
So here's one more story no one wants to hear from me again. It starts over 6 years ago when I was a teenager. I began my battle with Depression/GAD and the beginnings of OCD. with these came the infamous SI, suicide, and eventually an ED. I fought my demons. and never quite conquered them... my childhood is still pretty much a mystery to me. there, but not solid. Like I remember through a haze. idk.. anyways, not interesting.
A fought this war for a long time, until about 2 yrs ago when I finally was able to come out as the winning team, at least on one field. I had finally stopped SI for 2 yrs and ED for almost 6months.... until about March 2011....
I this point I was engaged to my now husband and partner since the begining. HE has been the one to hold me down when I lost control... hold me up when I couldn't stand to fight again. He has been my protector and best friend through all of it. But I have hurt him, and used up his energy. I exhausted my recources lets say. I hid it from him for so long this time, afraid to disapoint him yet again. But i told him. and he said jsut what I thought he would. That he just couldn't handle this again. HE didn't leave me, but I saw it in his eyes that he couldn't fight this war with me again, no matter how much he loved me. so i shaped up quick. just in time for our wedding.
... fast forward to today. I have been.... or was... SI and ED free for 4 months.....until 3 days ago. and I lost it agian. for no reason. other than that I want it so bad. I am stressed and fighting the feelings agian.... but I have no triggers this time. Just my want and need and the fact that it makes me feel better and not so depressed or alone.
I don't WANT to lose my husband. I don't want to disapoint him.
But, I just don't understand what is so WRONG about this. why isn't it normal. why istn't it ok. Why does everyone make such a big deal out of it. WHat is so wrong? this is my body, I am not hurting anyone else, I am not asking them to do it to themselves. if its how I cope... why not?
The way I feel right now..... Frankly... I dont care whether its wrong or not... i want to do it. So why should I hide from everyone?

idk. I'm rambling now. I'm just confusing myself and I don't know what the answer is. I'm totally lost. I appologize for whining.

Thanks for listening I suppose.

*deep breath*

[dollpart]

I wish I had advice. All I can say is that you are not alone with the thoughts and feelings you are having.

X

[Margo]

Hmm....this isnt about self harm at all is it? This is about you being accepted for who you are i believe! I think thats whats hurting.

Marriage is supposed to be the ultimate declaration of love, and, in some respect -"acceptance".

Im not surprised you feel like this when shortly before you make the commitment your acceptance is tested and seemingly blown apart. I think anyone would feel angry.

You've said "HE" a lot when describing how you got through all of this. Was he your saviour or your crutch? Was he the one who mended you or was he there to help you mend yourself?

If it is the former then perhaps its time to take control. However, im guessing its the latter and, therefore, you need to assure him that you are not expecting him to fix you (men like to fix things), but to simply stand with you.

You will do the right thing i am sure.

Take care x

[Mousie]

Ninja- Thank you so much. That makes so much sense. you took the words I couldn't say right out of my mind. The problem will be explaining it to him. To be quite honest, i really think he did save me at first... but I did mend myself with his support later on. But to him.. fixing it once means it's fixed for good. I don't think he understands my compulsion towards SH. Maybe since he can't just fix it for good, he can't accept that its ok to have this problem? The way he put it last time... he thought it was just outright crazy or idiotic and childish to still be dealing with this. idk. You have given me a lot to think about.
Dollpart- thank you for your support. I hope you are doing alright.