Just needed to tell someone....

Zurg · 16-09-2011, 05:40 PM

　
..... I don't really know what i want from this. Maybe i just need to get it out because it makes me feel scared and alone. Hoping maybe someone could offer me a bit of hope in a very dark time....
　
I've been drinking for a long time now. And my body is crumbling under the steady abuse i put it through. I was at my gp's yesterday and we talked about my alcohol addiction. He wants to do bloods because he suspects my liver is rather poorly. He says it's most likely suffering because i also take a lot of medication for my mental problems. This has scared me. I haven't told anyone about it. My support worker came with me to the appointment so she's the only one who knows.....

I know it's bad because i am in pain every day. Physical pain. My insides have started to really hurt. I know it's due to the drink. I know i'm putting my body through more than it can cope with...... I know that if i continue with this then i'm gonna end up very, very ill.... But i can't quit. I was kicked from alcohol counselling on the grounds that i wasn't cooperating. They told me to come back when i REALLY want to quit..... I feel like i almost don't deserve to come back. I did try the things they suggested. I was on antabuse for a month and a half. I quit drinking for 2 weeks back in December last year. Then something happened that hit me really hard and i started again. I detoxed in june this year. Was sober for almost 3 weeks. But i had no support and something happened again and i started drinking again.

I suppose all this physical pain every day and the very real possibility of liver damage ought to be enough to make me quit. But i am so,so,so scared of living a life where i can't numb my feelings and thoughts and memories. I am really not doing great because so many things haunt me every bloody day. I've not had a good life and every day i have to face the same demons. And every day i lose to them as i pour another drink when the going gets tough.

My gp agreed to refer me for some therapy. But there are long waiting lists. In the meantime i'm just gonna get even more ill from drinking. The problem is that i think i NEED some therapy to help me quit drinking. But it's therapy for my mental health issues and the alcohol counselling can't offer this and they shouldn't anyway because their resources are limited to the addiction part. My addiction stems from not being able to deal with all the **** life has thrown at me. I used to cope by cutting, but i have had to dramatically decrease my cutting seeing as it got really dangerous in the end. And seeing as i was refused treatment for my wounds both at my former gp and at the A&E. It was then i started drinking. I had drinking problems when i was a teenager too but i managed to stop back then. But life has gotten a lot worse since then and now i use the alcohol to numb my head from all my issues.

But the fact remains that i'm slowly but surely killing myself...... And i want to quit but i am so scared to quit. ANd i'm gonna need some help. I can't do this alone. I need to have someone i can talk to about all the bad things but i don't have someone like that right now. I'm so scared to face my demons with no support whatsoever. I don't think i can. But my body is giving up and i have to make a change sooner rather than later......

I don't expect anyone to come up with a solution to this. I just wanted to tell someone because i'm getting scared..... ANd i don't really have anyone else but you guys to tell it to.....

Stellata · 16-09-2011, 05:59 PM

I hear you, and I understand how much you need decent psychotherapy to help you manage and navigate the results of your traumatic and turbulent background.
In the meantime, maybe some workbooks around the core stuff might help? Pretty poor substitute for human care and understanding, but they can be a good bridge.

Rain Keeper · 17-09-2011, 04:50 AM

((((((((((((((((((((Zurg))))))))))))))))))))))))

Honey,
One line of caution....if you have been drinking and doing meds for some time, please dont go cold turkey. Slowly wean yourself off of it, ok?

Change is hard. Read back and see what you wrote though. Fear is a normal response for change. It is a desire of something you want to change for the good. THIS IS AMAZING! You are AMAZING!

You have us, if you dont need or want to speak to someone face to face. Is there no one you trust near you to talk to?

I praise you for your steps forward....so giddy to see a positive step!

Love,
Rain

Merc · 18-09-2011, 12:11 AM

So pleased you did go to see him, I know you were worried. I really hope he can offer you something and soon.
You know where I am...even tho Ive been **** at replying of late.
xxx

Zurg · 19-09-2011, 08:13 PM

First of all, thanks for the hugs and the replies. I didn't really expect any to be honest because what is there to really say???

I suppose you just keep going, in spite of everything, and try your best to live a decent life. But i've kept doing that for years and years and still no trace of a decent life in sight. Sometimes i get so tired. So tired of going through a nightmare that never ends. I'm a prisoner in my own mind. Just for one day it would be nice to have some peace. Just for one day it would be nice to be like everybody else.

But this is how it is. I have brought shame upon my family. Shame upon myself. I have ****ed up royally..... And now i can't find my way back. I feel like i should have all the answers by now, that i should know where to go from here. But i don't.

I feel lost..... Maybe i have been stupid and irresponsible for so long that there is no turning back???? I see my friends coping with little to no support and here i am, a ****ing drunk because i can't handle my own life. I'm a ****ing disgrace!!!!! Maybe it was just never meant to be, this silly life....

Margo · 19-09-2011, 08:25 PM

Thinking of you. xxx

Rain Keeper · 20-09-2011, 08:36 PM

hope you are safe.

dollpart · 21-09-2011, 10:41 AM

Huge, huge hug.

I think going for therapy (not drink related) might help- you can work through all the other things going on and they can't kick you off for drinking because it isn't all about that. But they can still help you with it. Would you think about that?

How are things with you now?

I know how, even though you see the horrible effects it is having, it's hard to stop drinking. Sometimes even feels impossible. And it's a huge amount of pressure on you, especially if you are trying t get through it alone.

no matter how terrible it is and how long it takes, I don't think you are too far gone to turn back. you are reaching out- even to us, to your support worker , your GP- and that is a sign that even when it's really bad, you haven't given up.

PM me whenever you want and please keep us updated.

Sorry if this wasnt all that helpfuL!