Partner has BPD and is driving me mad!

[paulschair]

I should start by saying she is in fact my ex wife and I decided earlier this year that after eleven years of difficult times - enough was enough and proceeded with a divorce.
We have two young children (age 7 & 6) and the last thing I wanted to do was to split their family up. But the rowing was too much and completely unfair on them.
Following a very serious incident involving the police, my wife was taken away and subsequently received treatment in a residential hospital for 2 years.
To cut a VERY long story short, she has recently been given a psychological assessment and deemed fit to look after our children again (albeit only part-time)

But the problem I have is that she just cannot resist an opportunity for a row and to put me down and blame me for everything that went wrong and this often happens in front of our children. I am SICK TO DEATH of her making up terrible lies about me and spreading them amongst family and friends.
Apparently I was/am a regular wife-beater, an alcoholic, drug taker and I steal money from the children's money box. NONE of which has ever been remotely true. It is VERY VERY frustrating! (and I'm left wondering if friends actually believe her - I'm sure they quite possibly have their suspicions)

Even though we haven't lived together for a long time I feel I'm returning to a point where I feel very bitter about what she's done over the years and what she is now continuing to do. I feel like emailing links to friends which point to pages online with the symptoms of a BPD sufferer so they can read up on it themselves.
But then this will only eventually get back to my ex wife and then all hell will break loose again. I can NEVER win and nothing I say ever gets listened to and I'm sick of this continuing nightmare.

EG; She phoned me up earlier this evening and out of the blue accused me of having a long-term affair with a friend of hers from years back. Shouting and screaming down the phone. Her reason for believing this? Because the friend had dropped my ex wife as a contact from Facebook and that must surly mean in her eyes that me and the friend have been having sex. COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. It doesn't make ANY sense!! But that is just one small tiny example of how life constantly was before I decided I'd had enough.

I would love to hear from anyone else in a similar situation and how they manage the utter frustration of it all.

Thanks for reading...

[Ellyx]

Im going to start of by saying i myself have high level BPD and that under no circumstances do i blame my illness for how i treat people.

Though in the past i had a friend, who i would treat abit like this. I regret it now and have since been in hospital. I found that unless i tried hard and looked into getting help i would never have got it under control. It's not easy but i can be done. And it sounds like you need to speak with her care team and explain whats been going on, becuase it seems like she has not got anything under control atm.

In the end my friend told me she wanted nothing to do with me and i accept that now. Im really not sure how else to advise but you can PM me if you want xxx

[Busby]

Hi, I have a slightly different situation but i think I can relate. It has been suggested that my mum has BPD. I'm in my mid 30's and my mum has put me through alot of what it seems your partner has put you though, and continues to do so even today. It's very hard to distance myself from her, because she is a member of my immediate family, and despite everything, I love her very much.

However, I dont blame the illness for her behaviour, I hold her personally accountable. She has had ample opportunity to find ways to modify her behaviour, but continues ( in my belief through choice) to behave the way she does because there are no consequences ( she does not believe that me and my sister will ever leave her) and she never takes responsibility for her actions. Her issues are compounded by the fact she had a very abusive childhood.

I guess what I am trying to say is that at some point we have to protect ourselves, and we shouldn't be made to feel guilty because of that. Being supportive and facilitating someone elses behaviour are very different issues.

I love my mum and would do anything to help her, but I set strict boundaries with her. I dont expect her issues to disappear, however, i hold her personally accountable for her actions. In some part this is so that i can keep my sanity and not be overwhelmed by the constant crisis she is in.

I also think seeking support groups for family/spouses of people with mental health issues can be helpful because it can be extremely draining always been a care giver ( i understand this because I also have mental health issues).

I also try to ( although mostly online and through text) maintain outside relationships with people my mum does not know, because she is full of accusations about me, and so I do not have to continually defend myself to people based on things she has said.

tc
xx