I'm struggling with depression, hostile feelings, paranoia and exhaustion right now. I'm working hard to get to grips with the paranoid feelings, and everything else, trying to take back ownership of my mind from 'the dark side'.
Work have at last 'allowed' me some annual leave. But you know how it is when you've been pushing on through struggles, and then you stop? It's like that - I've kind of crashed. Let go. Fallen. Picking myself up is a challenge.
I don't think work are very pleased about my paranoid feelings. And, because everyone's stressed, no one really has stepped in and said 'Katie, you're not ok, are you?' at least not in the past couple of weeks. I've emailed my managers, but they've ignored the email/s. At least, not responded. I know they're busy. I just, feel punished. When I'm trying SO hard.
Things at home are difficult. My flatmate is now seemingly reacting to my depression through doing things like not telling me before she has a guest around, leaving my clean washing up by the food bin, and dripping juice all over it, taking my bottle of finished wash liquid with only a tiny drizzle left in it not enough for a wash out of the bin and put it back in the cupboard... Now, all these things might be coincidence, but I know she's having troubles in relation to the breakdown of her marriage. If I felt stronger I might be able to offer support. But right now, I need it for me. Should I apologise to her for being unwell, not being there for her?
If only I could get a few decent nights' sleep, things might improve for me emotionally.
Then there's the noise. Meaning my already unstable sleep patterns are more disrupted. I have decent ear plugs, but these things I can hear through them - if it's not next door's kids having the TV on loud quite late, or yelling and kicking a football around [in the room] first thing in the morning, it's upstairs stomping around until the early hours. Last night they came in at gone midnight, and only went to bed just before I had to get up at 6.30. They were talking loudly upstairs at around 4-5am. I'm exhausted.
I only get a decent night's sleep with a sleeping tablet - which I can only do once or twice a week. Even then I wake up every 2 hours. And my therapist is concerned that I'm self medicating using various supplements in an attempt to sleep.
There's a restructure coming up at work. I don't feel I have the strength and stamina to handle it, even if they do decide to keep me on.
I'm struggling my hardest against 40 or so years of self criticism and self punishment, and it's so so hard. I'm at a crucial point, which also feels to be breaking point. And I'm so so scared I'll break down instead of break through.
From this thread, really, I'd like empathy, encouragement, comfort, reassurance that I exist and am valuable, that I matter, that my feelings matter. Please.
Katie - my darling, I am sorry that things are so difficult for you at the moment. I am glad to hear that you are really talking about what is happening for you instead of bottling them up. I am also glad to hear that you have taken some annual leave and yes I can understand completely how a break from the daily routine can be so needed but once its here it can be difficult to manage all the time and space. I am glad to hear that therapy has resumed as I know you speak of your therapist being a good form of support for yourself, are you still meeting with your befriender?
I guess from the outsider looking in on what you have shared I'm wondering if a lot of your energy is being expended on things that you can't really control. With regards to your housemate - do you have an existing agreement that she speak with you about guests coming to the house? I can understand feeling annoyed that you weren't given a heads up, but she does have the right to bring people over if she wants to. I wonder if the other things that you spoke about in the kitchen are just concidences? Regardless, I don't think that just because you're housemates, means that you have to emotionally support eachother - but I suppose it depends on your relationship. If you were feeling more well, what would be different with how you would be coping with these situations?
Regarding the noise - you have spoken about it before - and I guess its just one of those things that you haveto expect. As intrusively and frustrating as it is, if they are abiding by council regulations its just one of those realities that are involved with living in close connected units. I know that is not what you want to hear - but I wonder if by accepting that the people next door are noisy and they do x,y,z and it brings up certain things for you; that you may be able to tolerate it more than you are now. I know for myself right now I am living in temporary flood accomodation in a uni college - and I have just accepted that on thursday, friday and saturday nights 9 times out of 10 I need to be prepared to be awoke by drunken young people walking the hallways in the wee hours of the morning, that my housemate (who I don't speak to) will probably come home very loudly during this time but its just something that is going to happen and now matter how much it bothers me its not going to change - what can change though is the reaction that it illicts in me. So I know that if I am woken up abruptly I will often respond in a traumatic based way so be extremely scared that someone is going to come into get me, and I know that my anxiety levels will be heightened etc. But I also know that if I get up and go to the toilet, have a drink of water and perhaps turn music or my tv on low that I am able to ground myself with the reality of what is going on and with any luck go back to sleep.
Katie have you spoken this honestly with how you are feeling about having a breakdown with your therapist? I am wondering if you need to seek space for yourself in whatever that looks like - hospital or retreat stay - not as a means of "punishing yourself" but as a means of acknowledging just how much you are truly going through and recognising that things are getting increasingly difficult and that yes you are coping quite well considering but that it doesn't mean that you don't need sometime out in an environment that is conducive for that?
I know that in this state of lowness it can feel like everything is coming back quite strongly, but I think its important to remain present that yes there has been 40 years of past - right now, you are living and experiencing the present moment and what is important for you to be with is what is affecting you in the here and now and tackling that first. It's too much to better everything in one go...be kind to yourself and go slow and gently.
Please keep writing if it is helpful. Take care of yourself Katie.
ashleigh
xx
Last edited by finding_reason : 09-09-2011 at 11:34 AM.
Reason: my brain thinks faster than my hands :)
life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
Yes, I still meet with my Befriender. I've just met her this afternoon. We met in Central London, and the travel was distressing for me, all the people and being on the tube. I made it there and back, but probably a whole lot of people wondered what was 'wrong with me'.
Re my flatmate. There have been a number of times when she's not told me. It's a gripe I have. Generally she puts it on the kitchen calender, or tells me in advance, even that morning.
The other kitchen things are just weird to me. It's typical of her 'quirks'.
I can accept a general living level of noise. And if it's kept to 'social' hours. The kids can manage with much less volume on the TV. Upstairs can talk in the kitchen, if they can't go to bed at social hours. [Seriously, going to bed in the early hours and then sleeping most of the day EVERY day? Having loud conversations and thumping around all hours of the night above people's bedrooms, people who have to go to work or school at regular hours the next day and who're trying to sleep? There're levels of consideration. At least as far as I believe. Upstairs woke my flatmate up 5 times last night. It's not just me.]
You're right re the trauma response to noise for me, though. That's how it is. I'm trying the self talk as you say. But now I've got to the point where I am so utterly exhausted that I'm close to desperation.
My therapist knows the kind of internal hell part of me is trapped in. Yesterday evening and at other times this week it has truly felt like one of the deepest of my internal hells. She is working with me towards breakthrough, travelling through the places of breakdown ['the breakdown feared already happened' - Winnicott].
I wouldn't be hospitalised as I'm not in danger of hurting myself, and an NHS ward in any case isn't a peaceful place..... A safe retreat space for a few days would be good. I don't know what options there are though that aren't extortionately expensive or require certain criteria..
My managers... are still 'ignoring' me. I emailed to ask to speak with one of them when I return to the main location next Thursday and why I need that support. But not even a 'that's fine, we'll sort it'.
I don't know how to address the issue of my flatmate, or even if I should. Am inclined now to let it blow over and see. She accepts my quirks, so.
I do need to speak with my GP re medication options. I really don't think she 'gets' how tired I really am.
with the part about your flatmate and guests (or the other things)... its unlikely to change if you don't talk to her about it. she isn't able to read your mind, no matter how intense your thoughts are. and hints often don't work too well either. you could just bring it up in passing, or the next time she has guests over. not in a mean way, just something like "oh, could you try and let me know when guests are coming? i want to be ready (cleaned up, whatever fits here)"...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
My manager actually spoke with me today. It cleared up quite a lot. I'm so grateful. She's also recommended I take some more time off, and I'm just now waiting for my manager for those days to hopefully approve it.
I didn't sleep much last night because I had REALLY bad restless legs. Apparently that can be a result of lack of sleep. Heh.
a trick to stop restless legs is to put a bar of ivory soap under your fitted sheet of your bed down my your feet. i know it sounds bizarre but it really does work....
i am glad that you felt that the conversation with your manager went well and she agrees that you need some additional time off.
how is everything else going for you?
life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
The ivory soap trick sounds interesting, I'll see if I can get a hold of some. I had a better night last night, a really good sleep, albeit zopiclone aided.
http://www.peoplespharmacy.com/2005/...oap-under-the/ here is a link to it, I have heard it from a friend of a friend and we often suggested that our women in our recovery centre use it when they shared this complaint and so far I have not heard not to be successful.
Good sleep is great - zopiclone supported perhaps but your body obvously needed and embraced it
take care of you
life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
I am sorry you are struggling so much right now, Katie. I really wish I had more and better words, but have been exhausted this weekend so my head is not quite thinking straight.
I have read though, and you are in my thoughts. I will come back when my thoughts are less muggy and disorganised.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
