21 returning to education but lost and confused

ems · 06-09-2011, 09:54 PM

Ok, Hi all, haven't posted here before, but felt this was the most relevant place to put this as I'm 21 now, and facing some major life decisions.
I don't apologise for the spiritual content in this post, I'm not shoving it at anyone, just trying to say where I'm at. But I am sorry this is very long!!!
Ok so got good GCSE grades at 16, started A levels in 6th form, Bio, chem, maths n music. did really well in my 1st modules, but 7 days before the exams, happened the trigger that set all my illness off. I dropped out, couldn't cope with the workload, the concentration, the social situations, all of it. Tried to restart the following year at a different college, but was admitted to hosp in the july before starting and the teacher there wasn't trained to teach A level so I had to work purely from a textbook. As you can imagine this was very very hard, and when I came out of hosp in May it was exam time! no one told me that there was course work I should've done for 3 subjects... There was no way i was going to pass, so... dropped out again.
2 years later I restarted at yet another college, but just before starting, my health took a massive tumble and I ended up sectioned in hosp. And therefor.... had to drop out.
2 years after that, and I am here... When I came out of a residential unit last winter I had decided that I didn't think science was where God wanted me to be, I had prayed about it a lot and several passages stuck out to me. I wanted to train properly in photography, and work jobs wherever i could, whilst saving so I could do a lot of charity work too in 3rd world countries, all their publicity and advertising stuff. (including the photos!) I have always felt called to work abroad, and seeing another young woman from my church go off to do exactly that, (after I had thought of that idea) I thought, I can do that too!
Enter doubt and pride! (mainly!) I formulated a new idea, where I could do science, and work abroad, I wanted to get top grades, (which i know I'm intellectually capable of) and go to a top university etc etc.
First day at college yesterday, I'm taking Bio, chem, maths n photography. I just don't feel passionate about the sciences like I used to. Is it just cos I'm bored and anxious? cos I've covered this material many times before and hate being somewhere new... or is it something deeper. In my photography lesson I felt excited, passionate and it's an expression. I find talking (believe it or not!) VERY difficult, but photography can capture SO many things in an image that words can't begin to describe. i LOVE it.
Anyway. basically I'm thinking me wanting to do science is my pride... I want to prove I'm good enough, or as good as everyone else ( alot of my friends are now doing post grad stuff at oxford or cambridge or/and are studying medicine. ) But some of me feels like not doing science would be an injustice to my natural intelligence.
Deep deep down, I know science is MY dream, not God's dream and first thing he would rather I do. Science, i would rely on myself, MY intelligence, MY understanding, MY secure job in the future... with photography I would have nothing to rely on but God. I think THAT is where he wants me to be.
But I just DON"T KNOW!!! I know I can make impulsive decisions, sometimes right sometimes wrong, very wrong!
I realise I have whiffled on for an eternity and nobody is going to read this all, it's just so complicated, I could use some opinions, whatever they may be! Mods please feel free to move this to vents/rants if you want, but I would really appreciate some replies!
Ems x

Margo · 06-09-2011, 10:02 PM

Taking god out of the equation i would advise you do whats in your heart and what makes you happy. There is nothing worse in life than ending up in a career you hate, or choosing a path you regret later. In saying this there is nothing wrong in making mistakes and going back and changing things.

Some say god is love, and i say do what you love.

~Grace~ · 06-09-2011, 10:22 PM

Why cant you study all four subjects and decide at the end as to what you want to do? If photography is then still your passion...then go for it knowing that if things dont work out that you have your sciences to fall back on..and also there should be no regrets...I may have misread so if what ive said isnt right, please just ignore. Good luck with whatever you decide xxx

Cedrus · 06-09-2011, 11:46 PM

If you want to do sciences but are getting bored or repeating material you could do an access course which would hurry up the process of going to uni as they are 1 year courses.

Pomegranate · 06-09-2011, 11:51 PM

Honestly? I do not think you know what you want and I don't think that puts you in a position where you can make a proper decision re what you want to do with your life. I think there is a very good chance you are excited by photography significantly more than the sciences because it is something new, something alternative that you have not got as much experience in. I suspect you will wonder 'what if' in a few years if you do not try and complete your sciences. It may not be as 'fun' anymore but you keep going back to it and you said yourself you think you should finish it, for that reason I think you should FULLY try again, try and regain your desire. You do not need to ditch the photography to do that. There are so many ways you can fulfill God's wishes. Don't try and think so much, go with the flow. I am not especially religious but I have spent some time studying the Bible at various points over the years and I genuinely believe that you need to do what comes naturally and stop questioning things so much. I think you are over thinking everything and in some ways that IS Pride in itself. Stidying both Photography and Sciences does not hurt anybody. You have no immediate decisions to make now. Concentrate on the courses and then make a decison about your life and what makes you happiest.

Folded · 09-09-2011, 11:50 AM

It's hard to respond without bringing the spiritual content of that post into the equation, but let's have a go at being generalist about it.

There will be reasons why you don't feel passionate about science any more. If that's the case, if you think you're more the creative type, then by all means pursue your photography. You seem to really dig it.

However, I think there's a flaw in your logic that exists regardless of what beliefs you have. You absolutely must live your life in the way YOU want to. If you believe you want to live your life in a way governed by your religion, then it is your choice to do so. However, no matter what you believe is the reason we're all on this world, you were born with free will. I don't see that this conflicts with any religious views. Either we evolved this way, or something created us this way.

You are intelligent. If you don't want to be a scientist, don't be a scientist. But don't waste a talent because you feel it's what you "should" do.