Coming back/ having a really difficult time

~dreamer~ · 05-09-2011, 02:44 AM

Hello... I was actually a RYL member years ago, but stopped coming/switched email/life happened, etc.

I don't know what I'm looking for exactly. This is partial venting (because IRL don't really have someone I feel comfortable doing this with) and partial I want to know I'm not alone/crazy beyond help type thing. I apologize for length, and thank anyone willing to read. And if anyone has a suggestion, go ahead.

I hope this is not the wrong forum to post in... I don't see it as graphic, but if I am in the wrong place I can erase it.

I've been in some type of depression, Major Depressive Disorder, to a more mild form for the last 8 years (in my mid-twenties). Been involved in SI for longer than that. And been in therapy on and off (mostly on) for about 7 years. Been on so many meds, it's not even funny. Also dealing with anxiety disorders and panic attacks (about 75-80% i've learned to control through breathing/cognitive) as well as dissociative disorder.

All that out of the way I finished therapy late summer last year (more of a "my current therapist couldn't understand how I could be in a depression and semi-functioning so I grew sick of it and lied to make her think I was better" every time she'd see me she'd comment in some way how I didn't "look" depressed). I was actually doing ok... controlling panic attacks (mostly) and dealing much better with the dissociation.

In January I started doing much worse. Nightmares started up, panic attacks getting harder to control, hard to concentrate, and much harder just to breathe much less try to get my butt to work on time. It grew worse and worse until I gave in and went back to my old psychiatrist who put me on Trazadone (due to really bad reactions I'd had to other anti-depressants).

The thing is... when I was 19 I was diagnosed with MDD, and it was hell, so much so that I don't really remember much of a few year time frame at all. And this is starting to feel a lot like that... with extra.

I wake up from nightmares and sometimes dreams, believing they actually happened, sometimes for a few days. They are just so real. That is the extent that my doctor knows. But it's hard for me, with my predilection for dissociative episodes, to try and figure out what is real and what is a dream. And that scares me, because well, it's scary not knowing what to believe. On top of that I quit SI a couple years ago and am so tempted to start again. I'm surprised I haven't.

I'm just generally scared of my mind, and I feel toxic. When I was in my worst... I'd lock myself in my apartment and refuse to be around people because I felt so toxic I was afraid I'd affect others badly. I also feel afraid of things getting as dark as they did before. I don't know that I can go through that again.

So that's where I am. I'm struggling, and remembered RYL including this board, and just needed support.

Thanks again.

Geranium2 · 05-09-2011, 05:03 AM

Welcome back, I guess - but sorry you're having such a bad time. (I relate a lot to what you describe about long term depression by the way.)

Mental health is the right forum for this post. (I'm not sure if it's changed since you were here - you might look at "veterans" too, which is all adults, but much slower moving.)

My comments may not be that helpful, but I just wanted to let you know I've read + care.

Your last therapist doesn't seem to have understand depression too well - given how common covering it up is?

Try not to assume you will fall into the same state you experienced years ago. You are in a different place in your life now. You have made some major achievements in learning good coping methods, stopping self-harm and massively reducing the effects of panic/anxiety. Even if it feels internally chaotic right now that learning is still within you.

I hope you can find a way to cope with the nightmares soon as that sounds like one of the worst aspects. xx

~dreamer~ · 05-09-2011, 05:02 PM

Thanks... I guess it's one of those sorry that you've experienced the same but glad someone understands situations. :/

Your comments were very helpful.

You're right... as I think on it I don't think, no matter how bad depression may get, I'll get to the place I was when I was younger. Mainly because back then I didn't understand anything that was going on and was still living in a toxic atmosphere. Now I'm in a better place, physically, and know so much more. I didn't think of it like that.

Yes, I think my last therapist didn't understand depression that well. It's something that bothered me so much, I actually asked my psychiatrist (he's the same one I had when I was 19) straight out if I had ever dealt with depression or if I was somehow unconsciously attention seeking or something. I got to a point where I doubted myself because about the only ones who never made comments about how I don't "look" depressed were him, my mom, and one therapist I had years ago at the beginning (not that others see me often enough to know). He told me that many who deal with long-term depression learn to "cover it up" or deal with it in such a way that they are still functioning. That helped.

I do need to check out the veteran's board. I think last time I was too young.