The last one is leaving....

Zurg · 03-09-2011, 02:19 PM

I have someone who is very dear to me. Someone who has helped me out of some pretty bad times. Someone who always listened to me and never got angry or annoyed by the things i told him. When i'm with him the noise stops. I feel almost normal. I'm less afraid. I love him like a brother, the older brother i never had. He means a great deal to me. He's one of the very few people who really tries to help me, who really listens to what i have to say and not try to bullshit his way out of it when the going gets tough.

He's one of the very few people i trust..... But now..... Now he is leaving. He told me on wednesday. He leaves in a month.

I was always kinda safe with the thought that even when everything turned to absolute crap, i could always call him and he would come and talk to me. Though he wasn't my support worker he never said no when i asked if we could talk a bit. He tries to understand me. And somehow he gets me. I don't have to use a million words for all my feelings, he understands me even when i am too sad to say anything.

But alas, soon he will be here no more. I am very, very sad that he's leaving. I'm not angry though. I understand his reasons and they are perfectly valid. And who would i be to ask him to stay just so i could keep talking to him????

Sometimes though i just burst into tears. Sometimes i just go to bed and sleep for a few hours because i cannot sit with this pain. I have lost all my support in the space of 6 months and the only one i really had left is him.... I know it's unhealthy to become attached. I know it's unhealthy to rely on one person for support. Because there is always the chance that they might leave. I knew this day would come and i have tried to prepare myself for it but it hurts so bad anyway. I guess i had, stupidly, hoped it would be a while yet. Tried to ignore all the signs and hints because i don't wanna lose him.

I'm writing this because i don't know what to do. I was kicked out of therapy in the spring. Then kicked out of alcohol counselling in the summer...... I thought i was gonna cope. But when he told me he is leaving then i realised i'm not coping at all. ANd when he's gone..... I don't have anyone i can talk to face to face. ANd this scares me. ANd it hurts a little bit inside my heart when i think about it.

I'm just really sad and i burst into tears sometimes because the feeling of losing him becomes too much. I feel like i'm alone now.

My life is not good. I try to go to school when i have to but it's hard because i drink so much during the evenings. IF i'm lucky i have 6 hours of sleep on those nights before school. I drink every day. I drink a lot every day. I'm sad and i'm lonely and i feel like the world has given up on me. Which makes me wonder if i should just give up on the world. Throw in the towel. Admit defeat once and for all. I really don't see myself recovering from all of this. I would like to recover. But i can't do it alone. But there's no one left here to help me. I drink for 3-4 hours each night, go to bed at 11 pm and have to be up at 6 am for school, three days a week. ANd even if i drink myself stupid i STILL can't sleep.

I was really hoping that maybe he could help me just a bit.... Maybe i'm just trying to run from the fact that it's my life and my responsibility. I just don't know what to do..... I really don't know what to do. I want to be strong but all my muscles are so tired. My head is so weak. MY heart is so heavy with pain. And i'm alone.....

I don't think there's any hope left for me..... I think i have ****ed up royally. I'm not sure i can find my way back on my own.....

Margo · 03-09-2011, 07:30 PM

Ah crap that sucks. on top of all the other stuff you seem to be struggling with i guess this coudlnt have been timed any worse.

Im not really sure what to say except you can always Pm me. Im real and a boy. Well kinda.

Love you xxx

hermit · 04-09-2011, 05:31 AM

Remember that while he is moving away, this doesn't mean that you are completely losing him. Keep in contact by phone and email. There are ways to keep him in your life.

I understand the pain of loss and the terror of emptyness.

silent_scars11 · 04-09-2011, 07:59 AM

Sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. Hermit is right though, you can still stay in contact in other ways. I understand that it's not the same, but it is still better than nothing and it can still be supportive. I hate the summer months when I can't see my college roommate/lifesaver because I'm back living at home. Texting/talking on the phone isn't quite the same - especially because she's genuinely too busy to do that often - but it is definitely better than having no contact with her at all.

And who knows? You may eventually meet another very supportive person in your life. In the meantime, we at RYL are here for you

Casper_Fading · 04-09-2011, 10:17 AM

Aww kat kat i'm so sorry! Is it possible this person could maybe help you find someone else to talk to before they leave? I wish i could be there for you!!! *cuddles*

Zurg · 04-09-2011, 08:49 PM

Thank you for your words and your hugs.

Jess, he isn't MY support worker so i can't ask for a replacement. I have a support worker already, but alas, she's not really helpful. She's really nice and all that but i have a really hard time opening up to her. ANd when she has been off ill and been off on holiday i have talked to this man instead. He was just a "stand in" when she was off. But he has litteraly saved my life once......

He said i can write to him. I will. I can't bear to lose him completely. But it's hard because i'm going through some tough times now, what with being kicked out of all the therapy. I wasn't "cooperating" as they put it. Way to go. Chuck the nutter in the gutter.

I really need him right now. But he's leaving.

Matt, i'll pm you one of these days. Thanks for telling me i can.

Casper_Fading · 05-09-2011, 01:34 AM

Ask him if he can help you with your current support worker? maybe make some strategies to help with speaking to her and things? It's good that he said you can write to him. You can write to me too! Or facebook me. My life semi revolves around facebook at the moment :P So i'm constantly about! *hugs* you can do this honey!

Margo · 05-09-2011, 04:39 PM

hahaha @ chuck the nutter in the gutter :P

From what you said he came along as a matter of chance when your regular support was away. I know what its like when little angels appear from the woodwork and give you a little hope and understanding. I had one guy from the crisis team a few years back who just totally "got me" and was really lovely. (i made him a couple of CD's). Also the temporary psych i had was the best one and even said he was sad i wasnt on his case. It hurt me to know they were only there temporarily and that i wouldnt see them again. took me a long time to get over it.

What i am grateful for was that they were small glimpses of light in a very dark time. I can look back now and see they were gifts rather than just another thing taken from me.

This guy you have is a gift and more importantly one you can keep in touch with. Thats really rare. Even if you never speak again try to take the good he gave, rather than concentrate on the loss.

I know its hard. I cant begin to know how hard it is for you Kat, but i know this isnt the end.

hugs
Matthew x