Losing friends with desparation

bitomato · 01-09-2011, 08:12 AM

I always feel angry and bitter and sad when my friends date and get married because all it highlights to me is how much I suck at developing relationships. I feel highly triggered right now because a close friend of mine just got engaged and I feel worse about myself- what kind of friend does that make me?

Like I went out last night with another friend- nothing more- we spent a reasonable amount of time talking and got something to eat. But the whole time I was feeling physical pain because they weren't hugging me, that they were not interested in me romantically (even though we are a terrible match for each other right now) and that the socialising was time sensitive- that is we weren't gonna be together all night.

I figured things happen when you are vulnerable so the more public the better but I hated myself and the situation for it.

Hours later I am in tears and I want someone to talk to and I know that I cannot call my friends. I end up calling my friend who got engaged and it just reminds me of what I am losing. Why am I so angry at him? I want him to be happy. I just hate that I never seem good enough and I feel even more pathetic when my mood shifts and I get more depressed and needy.

roiben · 01-09-2011, 01:42 PM

I think an important thing for you to consider right now, is whether you would have ever wanted a relationship with these people? It sounds, from what you have said, as though you are not a good fit relationship wise - and that what you want from them is friendship.

This being the case, please do not take their success in relationships as a reflection on you? You are a fantastic friend, and they seem to still see you as a good friend. After all, they have told you about their relationship and engagement and I can tell you are happy for them.

I think what you need is to look at means of meeting other people and aim for the initial earlier stages of a relationship - The dating. As nothing will come of any relationship if there is an urge to jump straight to commitment.

It is worth remembering that Friend and Partner are very different, one can change to the other, but it is rare, and not fair to expect of every friendship. They simply don't work that way.

Be gentle with yourself. Not having anyone right now does not make you a bad person, so try not to beat yourself up over it. It can take time, so allow yourself that. Go out and meet people, whether friends (as friends) or someone else who may potentially become a partner.

Roiben x

bitomato · 03-09-2011, 08:24 AM

Thanks Roiben. I think that these friends were the first people to show me genuine respect and love and I didn't want to lose it. I assumed that being in a romantic relationship was the only way that the interaction would evolve, but it has been possible to develop very close friendships. However, I can't date due to my beliefs and therefore it means a level of self control that is heightening the already emotional pain I am in.

While I agree with you that I need to go out more, I am very afraid of making the wrong decisions. I am having more "off" periods and therefore think that my judgement may be blurry. I am afraid of the level of loneliness I experience. I don't know if I am ready to reach out past my comfortable circle of friends.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense- a little too sleepy.
Thank again and for all the hugs.

bitomato · 05-09-2011, 05:26 AM

Had major issue with meds. Really off- between sleeping tabs and miid stabilizer anything but sleeping or stable. Really angry and worried as meds may not come into country and I could run out. SO ANGRY because it feels like i am giving control to totally incompetents.

Everything has been out of whack and I have been reject by 3 guys (2 onld and one new pot. best friends/ big brothers)

I need to go but hope we'll still be friends