I Suffer horribly from OCD and i have insidous intrusive thoughts at times which cause me a great deal of torment ,watching adult porn on a here and there basis can at times make it worse a lot.
I was sufring google looikng at stuff about ocd and i found this from a ocd forum way back in 2004, i have sympathy and understand for that og poster i could have written his post my self
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the cycle continues.....
Hello everyone...how are you all doing?? I will admit it's been hard lately.. There's just been all these drama and stuff going on with work that is totally rediculous, and is causing me much anxiety and grief.. I keep worrying about it, and obviously it triggers my OCD even more...Last night, I was online and I was talking to a co worker and I was just getting upset and frustrated with the conversation I thought I was gonna have a nervous breakdown...Like i have mentioned in previous posts, I know I have expressed that in the past when I am already feeling low and upset and depressed I tend to look at pornography as an escape from reality..It almost works as a source of instant gratification.. I know obviously this isn't the best thing to do, and I understand and acknowledge this fact,and I don't want to view pornography anymore.. The feeling after watching pornography is that of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and I suffer from even lower self esteem...So anyway, when I was online and i was totally stressed out with this whole situation I was tempted to look at pornography and I looked at a website, but then ultimately I decided that I was stronger than my temptation and I just got off the computer.. Occassionally in the past I would order or watch pornography on the internet maybe twice a month as a way to escape from reality, and I was always uncomfortable after watching it.. I felt like i was this dirty and perverted person, and I was just bad.. Then i started thinking WHAT IF I WAS ADDICTED TO PORNOGRAPHY??? I always feel so guilty after viewing such material and I have to always confess to someone that I watched such material.. I know to some people this whole issue might seem a bit absurd, but it is an issue I deal with.. My OCD makes me think that I am this bad person, and the consequences of watching pornography even make my OCD worse..thoughts like WHAT IF I LOOKED AT CHILD PORNOGRAPHY..WHAT IF I VIDEOTAPED MYSELF MOLESTING A CHILD AND POSTED It ON THE INTERNET..WHAT IF I VIDEOTAPED MYSELF DOING SOMETHING OBSCENE AND VIDEOTAPED IT ON THE INTERNET...WHAT IF I WAS IN A SEX VIDEO WHAT IF I WAS IN A PORNOGRAPHY VIDEO.WHAT IF I POSTED A PICTURE OF MYSELF NUDE ON THE INTERNET.and the thoughts continue until one could barely think anymore! I keep telling myself I am a 22 year old male, and sex is obviously something that 22 year olds think about. I am a virgin and have never been intimate with anyone, because I am waiting for the right person to come along, and to have this OCD thoughts of me in all this sexual situations tears and makes me so nervous and makes me believe i do not know who I am... I always feel i have to explain why I would look at pornography and confess my reasons for watching it.. But I am slowly begininning to realize that I don't have to explain to anyone my reasons.. OCD is hard to deal with because it questions yourself and who you are, and it makes you constantly doubt yourself.. But i am going to be strong! We will make it through the rain!
#2
12-23-2004, 02:37 PM
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I don't think you're addicted to porn. If you were, you probably wouldn't be telling anybody, even on the internet. You would be too in denial to admit it. If you were addicted, you would be doing it 24-7, not twice a month. It's definitely OCD thoughts about the children porn. It's just your OCD imagination running away with you. I think we tend to blow our littlest insecurities out of proportion for some reason. We OCDers think, think, think and think again and totally take our one little fear and stretch it out in our minds as far as we can, just to see how much it can freak us out. Non-OCDers just let the thought go right away. We dwell on it because of our anxiety. Yes, men love to see naked women. It's a fact of life. My husband loves Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, Anna Kournikova, and other hotties, but I know he's just being a "man". I used to be jealous but I got over it. Don't worry NoWorries. Have a Merry Christmas!
#3
12-23-2004, 06:42 PM
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Thank you so much for your advice and help texas OCDER i really appreciate your comments and you taking the time to read my thoughts.. Its very helpful to me... Being that i know in addition to OCD, i have a major issue with sex... I have never been sexual active, I don't talk about sex with friends, and while growing up I have always percieved it as "bad and dirty" even though I know it is not.. sometimes I just wish I didn't think about sex at all..I know by repressing a certain emotion it emerges in an subconscious sense, and I think thats maybe why i look at pornography and have all these horrible OCD thoughts about sex...Because I repress it so much, i can't help but think of it...But thank you very very much for reading my post..You don't know how much it means to me for someone to listen Thank you! Have a happy holiday as well!
Crazy thoughts like... WHAT IF i MOLESTED A CHILD, WHAT IF I MADE A PORN VIDEO, WHAT IF i DID SOME OBSCENE SEXUAL ACT..and the list continuesby not , so much i turn to pornography and have thoughts instead
#4
01-15-2005, 03:18 AM
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Sexual arousal is something chemical happening in the brain. The Brain is rewarded with Dopamine or whatever, and it will seek to replicate the trigger experience. If this is being addicted to porn (or addicted to gratification with a partner, or staright masterbating to nothing - whatever is giving you the rush) then you are probably addicted and so is almost everyone else in the world. But not to some stange or wrongtious degree. The chemicals produced when one is ashamed can be addictive, too. I think that's part of what's going on, and why many people keep re-triggering these emotions. Practice, therapy, self-love and patience can help to break the cycle.
I have literally lay on my bed at times grabbing my head thinking it was going to explode with the mental anguish that intrusive thoughts were causing me:(:(
Can I ask what you are hoping to get out of this thread
Also, intrusive thoughts and OCD can definitely be connected but they can also be very separate.
Considering the site is called recoveryourlife.com, i'm looking for support ....
I can assure you i have ocd and it can be terrible and not only with intrusive thoughts,years ago with a councillor i saw about my ocd and i spoke tom about my intrusive thoughts and he was very compassionate,understanding and knew what i was going through.
"Also, intrusive thoughts and OCD can definitely be connected but they can also be very separate"
Wow - I really dont think that you have to be so rude for one thing. I simply asked out of politeness in hopes of hearing what your hopes for the thread were and providing a platform for other members to respond too.
The reason why I said the statement about intrusive thoughts and OCD not being connected is that sometimes there can be other reasons for intrusive thinking that is not connected to OCD. I am well aware of what intrusive thoughts are; I experience them on a daily basis and have for a very long time but I do not have OCD...everyone has different experiences.
The reason why I asked you what you were hoping for is that you didn`t ask for anything in your initial post. Yes, RYL is a support based site but people cannot read your mind so inside of assuming what you want it can be helpful particularly in long posts like what you have created (that can be viewed as venting especially since most of it wasn`t your words) - to ask for something in particular such as support, experiences, hugs etc.
There is a thread somewhere in the forum that I can`t find, but perhaps someone else can link it to you about maximising your chances of getting replies....and on that is being clear and concise about what you want from members.
As I have said above, I do not have OCD but am plagued by relentless intrusive thoughts and trauma based memories and flashbacks that can get in the way of my daily functioning. I found it useful to incorporate a healthy output for my thoughts and emotions - which for me flucutates between journal writing and singing. I also have found intensive therapy to be of utmost importance to my healing and recovery process. During times of stress, I tend to have an increased incidence of intrusive thinking that can dramatically intrude upon my day to day tasks that I have started scheduling `ruminating time` as an outlet that allows for those thoughts to have space and air time but not to monopolise my existence.
life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
the part that makes it very likely OCD related is the "what if i watched child porn...." all the what ifs.
i've got OCD, and had to do a ton of treatment for it to get better, but it does get better. intrusive thoughts are something that i don't deal with often, but get from time to time, sorta in waves. i know that they are really scary. it seems like they can get more emotional power than some other obsessions because of the subject matter. the same way scrupulosity obsessions can.
do you have any support or treatment for your ocd at the moment? if you want to try and do it on your own, there are some good books or workbooks that can be helpful
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
the part that makes it very likely OCD related is the "what if i watched child porn...." all the what ifs.
i've got OCD, and had to do a ton of treatment for it to get better, but it does get better. intrusive thoughts are something that i don't deal with often, but get from time to time, sorta in waves. i know that they are really scary. it seems like they can get more emotional power than some other obsessions because of the subject matter. the same way scrupulosity obsessions can.
do you have any support or treatment for your ocd at the moment? if you want to try and do it on your own, there are some good books or workbooks that can be helpful
I Take 40mg of ciatropram a day and i have a book called "IMP OF THE MIND" I recall after surfing an adult porn site and had photos of woman besides the list of videos and one photo was of i thought about 16 yrs old(looking back was prolly 18 plus) posing in a bikini and i thought "OMG OMG what if that's not legal,what if, what if what if.." and i came of the site as my intrusive thoughts flared up in an instant,the intrusive thoughts were very upsetting.
Wow - I really dont think that you have to be so rude for one thing. I simply asked out of politeness in hopes of hearing what your hopes for the thread were and providing a platform for other members to respond too.
The reason why I said the statement about intrusive thoughts and OCD not being connected is that sometimes there can be other reasons for intrusive thinking that is not connected to OCD. I am well aware of what intrusive thoughts are; I experience them on a daily basis and have for a very long time but I do not have OCD...everyone has different experiences.
The reason why I asked you what you were hoping for is that you didn`t ask for anything in your initial post. Yes, RYL is a support based site but people cannot read your mind so inside of assuming what you want it can be helpful particularly in long posts like what you have created (that can be viewed as venting especially since most of it wasn`t your words) - to ask for something in particular such as support, experiences, hugs etc.
There is a thread somewhere in the forum that I can`t find, but perhaps someone else can link it to you about maximising your chances of getting replies....and on that is being clear and concise about what you want from members.
As I have said above, I do not have OCD but am plagued by relentless intrusive thoughts and trauma based memories and flashbacks that can get in the way of my daily functioning. I found it useful to incorporate a healthy output for my thoughts and emotions - which for me flucutates between journal writing and singing. I also have found intensive therapy to be of utmost importance to my healing and recovery process. During times of stress, I tend to have an increased incidence of intrusive thinking that can dramatically intrude upon my day to day tasks that I have started scheduling `ruminating time` as an outlet that allows for those thoughts to have space and air time but not to monopolise my existence.
You didnt comes across as polite to me hence my percieved "rudeness"
i was in residencial treatment for OCD for 3 months a year+a few months ago. Did heavy duty CBT specifically ERP (exposure/response prevention). i have seen a therapist to continue this treatment twice a week since.
i've been to two confrences from the IOCDF (international obsessive compulsive disorder foundation) primarily just to meet other teens with OCD which is really cool, not to go to the research sessions and sessions for doctors, but they also have a good website thats got alot of information and help on there.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
i was in residencial treatment for OCD for 3 months a year+a few months ago. Did heavy duty CBT specifically ERP (exposure/response prevention). i have seen a therapist to continue this treatment twice a week since.
i've been to two confrences from the IOCDF (international obsessive compulsive disorder foundation) primarily just to meet other teens with OCD which is really cool, not to go to the research sessions and sessions for doctors, but they also have a good website thats got alot of information and help on there.
Thanks for telling me that, i'm going to check out that site
How do i deal with Ocd/intrusive thoughts like this I recall after surfing an adult porn site and had photos of woman besides the list of videos and one photo was of i thought about 16 yrs old(looking back was prolly 18 plus) posing in a bikini and i thought "OMG OMG what if that's not legal,what if, what if what if.." and i came of the site as my intrusive thoughts flared up in an instant,the intrusive thoughts were very upsetting.
first off, i'm sorry if i broke any rules in my last post... i'm kinda going back and forth trying to decide
right, for the real addition. you can do the treatment without going in residencial. you just have to be diligent about doing the work. i needed people checking on me alot at the beginning.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
the way i did treatment, you'd have to face the thoughts, and not do anything to stop them. and do it again and again until you're desensitized to it. until you're bored with it kinda. especially with intrusive thoughts, its like trying to not be scared of a horror movie. the first time its terrifying, but if you watch it a hundred times, it isn't scary anymore. and you can do something else while its playing, not get into that "i don't want to watch but i can't tear my eyes away" type feeling. so then the thought can pop up and its like "oh, that again, now what was i doing?' and it just leaves your mind
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
first off, i'm sorry if i broke any rules in my last post... i'm kinda going back and forth trying to decide
right, for the real addition. you can do the treatment without going in residencial. you just have to be diligent about doing the work. i needed people checking on me alot at the beginning.
Thanks:) How typical of a "trigger" in my last post does that sound for intrusive thoughts in your view and experince??
err i would think it'd be pretty triggering for anyone. but what matters is that its triggering for you.
and i realized i forgot to explain something before. with the ERP treatment, you don't jump in at the scariest thing. you start small and build up. so someone with contamination fears might start by holding a clean tissue and not using hand sanitizer afterwards (if that was their ritual) and work up to being able to sit in a dumpster. which doesn't sound pleasant to anyone, but by overcorrecting the problem, when you stop doing exposures, hopefully you'll sorta swing back into the normal range of doing things. which makes the treatment more palatable, though its still intimidating. the first time they told me what i was going to do i was thinking that i'd rather be hit by lightning :P but they convinced me to do it anyways and i'm really glad that they did
Last edited by PassedExpectations : 29-08-2011 at 02:50 PM.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
the way i did treatment, you'd have to face the thoughts, and not do anything to stop them. and do it again and again until you're desensitized to it. until you're bored with it kinda. especially with intrusive thoughts, its like trying to not be scared of a horror movie. the first time its terrifying, but if you watch it a hundred times, it isn't scary anymore. and you can do something else while its playing, not get into that "i don't want to watch but i can't tear my eyes away" type feeling. so then the thought can pop up and its like "oh, that again, now what was i doing?' and it just leaves your mind
Very well explained, thank so much!! puts things into perspective kinda thing, thanks a lot again.
Wow - I read through this and was amazed at how familiar it all sounded. While I've never looked at pornography, the whole what-if cycle, the panic, the intrusive thoughts, doing things because I can't help it or stop myself, the rituals... That sounds just like what goes on inside my head.
Does anyone know of any books, etc, that might help? (I am looking into getting back into therapy, but that might take a while...)
Also, thanks for posting the facing-your-fears technique. I don't know if I have the guts to jump into that right away, but now I have it as an option!
- Jayne
Wow - I read through this and was amazed at how familiar it all sounded. While I've never looked at pornography, the whole what-if cycle, the panic, the intrusive thoughts, doing things because I can't help it or stop myself, the rituals... That sounds just like what goes on inside my head.
Does anyone know of any books, etc, that might help? (I am looking into getting back into therapy, but that might take a while...)
Also, thanks for posting the facing-your-fears technique. I don't know if I have the guts to jump into that right away, but now I have it as an option!
- Jayne
the IOCDF website probably has some recommended books somewhere. honestly i haven't actually checked it particularly recently... but its definately a reputable resource
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
the IOCDF website probably has some recommended books somewhere. honestly i haven't actually checked it particularly recently... but its definately a reputable resource
