Contains Suicide - Do I matter or not?

earthbound_misfit · 28-08-2011, 09:42 AM

I realize the title of the post is over-simplyfying the matter, but still...

I am so confused. So my background is complex-PTSD type thingy, although I have had depresssion/similar problems before when real **** has been happening. My life is good, was brilliant even, then it struck a year ago probably BECAUSE I was so happy/'safe' for the first time.

Right so I said to my CPN this week that I am scared about therapy (tho want it sooo much cos I want to get better!) because I'm scared they'll just say im rubbish or its all my own fault even though I dont think it is and am trying so hard to be ok and work things out. She reckons its cos somewhere along the line I've been told/shown that/made to feel guilty and thus have a deep seated sense of inadequacy.
When she said that I felt somthing inside, I could believe her, hell, I'd LOVE to believe her.
But when I look at it like that, it seems even crapper the way people treat me, especially people not caring.
To put it simply, if I matter, then why the hell do I have to struggle on alone, trying to keep it from people, trying to put a smile on, and desperately trying not to ask for support/hugs when I need them (cant go to crisis team either as they NEVER visit me and if I speak to them they rightly judge me as suicide risk, send the police and its off to waste the next fourteen hours in A&E, to feel more guilty, useless, and isolated and a freak... the attitude of staff reinforces this). If I matter, why didn't my housemates listen and sort out the problems in the house that were tipping me over and would have required simple steps (like not expecting me to clean up after them - enough to make u stay in bed when otherwise u might be able to face the day) yet they preferred to keep arguing until I had to leave. If I matter, why did my bf blank me instead of dumping me, out of the blue, and why did everyone seem to think I should mind less about this? and when I did mind/get much iller some joined the blanking?
If I matter, why can't I have a cuddle when it hurts?

If I DONT matter, if somehow, by some fundamental cosmic law, im worthless no matter how much I care for others and try to do the right, good thing always, then this makes sense (although I dont believe any human is worth more or less, not sure how this argument would work but it FEELS true). From this perspective, I feel I totally owe anyone who's ever been kind to me, and I should accept scraps of affection as a desperate beggar, appreciate any tiny morsel of kindness flung in my direction, and not expect respect or consistency. This perspective makes daily life easier/more understandable, but a slow downward spiral as the pain inside consumes me and I am undesrving of support or love. This point of view also leads rather swifly to suicide: I can't get better or even cope at present without support yet I cant get it/don't deserve it, so only one option left.

A wonderful man stepping into my life would solve a lot - ie. cuddles as routine (not asking when sad) and before anyone says anything yes it was better when I had a boyfriend, yes I know relationships needs work and commitment and I am willing and able to do that, and a very loving person.
From where I'm at I'm not looking for a bloke though, don't want to be close until I'm 'better' beacuse it'll go wrong (and it needn't, but from experience and knowing people I have to be realistic). Im only pointing it out cos it seems marginally more likely than people pulling together to support me, which even as I type the words I think 'I don't deserve' yet cannot fathom why not.
Is that deep seated insecurity speaking? And if so, why does it seem wrong when people hurt me/don't care?
I don't understand, and I need to, quickly...

earthbound_misfit · 28-08-2011, 09:45 AM

Just to add, I can already hear the psychs saying "Ah - searching for a rescuer!" at the last paragraph... I don't want to be rescued, I just want someone to hold my hand while I save myself.

Margo · 30-08-2011, 04:20 PM

Hey, you sound really upset and lonely and confussed. You also sound really angry and frustrated.

One thing i notice is a real divide here betweeen you and the outside world. Its like theres"them" and then "you" as oppossed to all sharing the same space. I guess this may be why you feel lonely or like no one cares.

I dont really know you so im not sure what you are like, but you sound really hard on yourself and angry at everything right now. Personally i dont think there is anything wrong with wanting a rescuer. Dont we all at some point? If we didnt then why are almost all films filled with heroes who rescue people? surely its gotta be a winning formula we want deep down?

I know what you mean about wanting a hand to help you. I do feel however that you perhaps concentrate a little too much on the reliance of others for your peace of mind and happiness. You kinda hint to this pretty much all through your post. Im sure you arte more than aware of the dangers of relying on others for happiness.

I wonder if perhaps you have a hard time with crisis team/[sych or whoever because you are so desperate for them to fix you and see your problems? then when they dont because a) they arent psychic and b) they arent that great anyways, this just re-enforces your feelings of worthlessness and a kinda of invisibility?

i thnk what you feel or what im picking up you feel are all things we experience but i get that you may take this to an extreme?

you do matter, but perhaps you dont matter enough to yourself and are so devastated when others dont give you the cleus that you do matter you kinda shut down?

forgive me if ive gone off completely in the wrong direction!!

Try to be safe!

Matthew

nowhereman · 31-08-2011, 04:19 AM

I'm not going to pretend I believe that anything I say will help you, but I strongly think that YES you do matter. Every single person in this world matters, you were put here for a reason and you're still here for a reason. I won;t pretend either that I know what the reasons are, apart from doing your best with yourself and to love and be loved. I know it doesn't always feel lke this will happen for you though.
Also can I just say, atherapist's job is to work with what strenghts you have and show them to you and help you work with them. It's most certainly not to tell you that you're rubbish (which you're not anyway) or that things are your fault. In my experience, a therapist will do everything to help you believe that you are worth something and will make you feel good about yourself, which you should.
Ok I'll shut up now, but I hope one day you'll be able to believe for yourself that you matter.