Contains Suicide - It's Been So Long (totally bloggy tl;dr)

[MrsJacks]

I haven't been to RYL in so long. I've been clean. No SI in years. I've been able to manage my emotions and feel pretty good about life, until now. Now? I'm out of control. I haven't done anything as of right now, but I don't feel safe. I want to share my brief story, because it helps explain some of what's going on right now and how it's affecting me.

I struggled with severe postpartum depression with my son. I never had urges to harm him, but I had urges to harm myself and was generally overwhelmed and depressed. I was in a bad relationship and the bio father was threatening to have him taken from me for being an unfit mother. As a last ditch attempt to keep that from happening, I asked my parents to take him for me. I was scared, young, alone, in a bad relationship and I knew I couldn't be a single mother. My family was severely resentful toward me for a long time for this decision and, quite frankly, I still hate myself for it. Bear in mind no legal papers were ever signed. This was strictly off the records, so legally and technically, I've always been my son's custodial parent, even though he lived with my parents.

Fast forward to when my son was four. I get married I (not to the bio father. A good man) and we lose our house to a fire and we have to move in with my parents. It was meant to be temporary, but I had to quit work because of my agoraphobia and then my husband was laid off. Being back home allowed me to try and start a relationship with my son. Still, he was so used to my mother he would go to her when he was scared or hurt. It stings, but I understand that is the natural consequence of my actions, my mistake.

My mom and I have a rocky relationship, at best. Our personalities clash terribly. When I first moved in she built me up, told me we were ladies of the house together. Since we paid rent it was our house too and we should feel at home. She said she wanted my husband to not feel like a guest, etc. Five years later my mother has gone back on all of that. She daily reminds me this is *her* house, *her* things, *her* family. She tells me that she is my son's mother, not me. That I just birthed him, but that he will always love her more than he does me.

Recently my cousin moved in with us. He's divorced and in his early-fifties. We had to do a lot of rearranging, but it ended up with us fixing up the spare room next to mine and my husband's bedroom for my son's room. We painted it, got everything ready and having him so close has been really good for me and him. I've loved it. Well, my mother had to find a way to sabotage that one. She's decided to move hers and my dad's bedroom and talked my son into wanting their old room, which will put him right next to her. I told her that made me sad, because I've loved having him up here with me. She said, "well, if you were a good mother you would want your son to pick which room he wants. You'd want him to be happy, but you always only think of yourself".

I've thought about moving, but I won't go without my son. I abandoned him once. I won't do it again. But there's a problem - my mother has instructed my entire family to be ready to testify against me as an unfit mother. She has already had an attorney on-the-ready to fight me in court so that I'll lose custody. Basically, I'm in a no-win situation either way. I'm miserable here, but I'd be miserable without my son. I don't have the money or the fortitude to fight my entire family in court. And I know that in the distinct possibility that I'd be awarded custody, taking my son away from the entire family would hurt him tremendously.

And just last night my mother told me she doesn't want me helping her around the house anymore. She said she's sick of me being in her way and that this is her house and her family and it's not my place to help her take care of any of it. So now I've lost my entire sense of purpose. My "job", if you will. I have no family of my own, no home of my own to take care of. I'm so stuck and unhappy. My mother clearly hates me and wants to make my life miserable. If I leave I lose my son, either way. If I fight and get custody I lose my entire family and so will my son.

I just feel so worthless and useless and hopeless right now. I just don't see any point in living, really. My mother has seen to it that my son doesn't need me and she refuses to allow any sort of relationship to happen between us. I have no relationship with my mother any more. My family sides with her no matter what. My husband deserves someone that doesn't come with all this drama. I'm screwed and unhappy no matter what happens. It just doesn't seem worth it.

[MrsJacks]

More overall bloginess:

One thing my mother said last night that absolutely devastated me. She said I'm jealous of her. She says I wish I could be the wife, mother and homemaker that she is and unless I stop trying to "overthrow her position and take control" we'll never get along. Is she effing delusional? Why would I want to be an emotionally abusive, backstabbing, two-faced wench? Do I want to have a place of value and a sense of purpose in this family? Of course! Am I trying to overthrow her? No! She's my mother, and no matter how abusive she is toward me, I still love her and want nothing more than for her to love me back in a healthy, productive manner.

I just wish she could be my friend. I'm thirty years old. I shouldn't have this sort of bizarre relationship with my mother. She makes me feel like I'm ten years old and two inches tall most days.

[Geranium2]

Hi Mrs Jacks,
Well done for getting clean of self-harm! I can see there's a lot going on for you lately, bringing the thoughts back.

What strikes me most though is that there's a big difference between loving our Mothers and being able to live under the same roof as them! (I get on OK with mine mostly, but if I lived with her we'd fall out within the week.)

It sounds like after all this time she is resenting you living there, but hasn't had the bottle to say so directly. It also sounds like you as an adult would really rather be independent. What was only meant to be a temporary arrangement has become permanent by the sound of things.

Do you think your relationship with her might improve if you and your husband had your own place? Because then perhaps you could still see your son without any need for a court battle. The tension can't be good for him either.

Have you ever sat down and talked about what access arrangements you might all have if you did live in separate houses again?

[MrsJacks]

Thank you for the reply. My mother has suggested my husband and I find our own place if I'm so unhappy here and that I could still come over every day if I wanted to and see my son. I home school him and I'm his teacher, so there isn't much of a choice there anyway. We would have to live exceptionally close by, as we're a one vehicle couple and my husband has the car most days for work. I think I mostly worry about being alone all day (and all night two weeks out of the month when my husband's shifts rotate) with my anxiety issues. I haven't been by myself in years. There's always somebody here if I get anxious.

Still, it's come down to two options - move and deal with the consequences (my son feeling abandoned again, being afraid of being alone) or stay and be completely fake to try and head off any sort of emotional abuse from my mother. I have found what triggers these episodes with her is the fact that I wear my emotions and opinions on my sleeve, whereas she was raised in an abusive, alcoholic home and that taught her to be stoic and keep your emotions to yourself. Some times it feels as if she has no emotions. Growing up my sister and I would say the only emotion we ever saw from our mother was anger. It was the only emotional reaction she knew how to "effectively" express.

I think I mostly grieve for the relationship my mother and I have never had and most likely never will. Today I saw a post on another board in which a woman said she'd just had a long chat with her mother and how awesome it was and how close they were. I felt sadness, envy, a longing. I wish I had that with my mother.

[PoisonedApple]

Ok, I have a few questions and then my initial response...

Did you give up custody or just let your mother become a guardian in your absence?
Is there a legal reason you can't take him with you? Like if you found a place, had your husband take you and him over to it, come back for your possessions and move you all in?

I think that you should explain to your son that you are moving not to abandon him but to get a home you can bring him into with you.
The courts look at your capability to care for the child and will send a care worker to check it out (both homes, not just yours) before they decide no matter what people say. You can also bring in witnesses and you can point out perjury. You could let your mother know that you and your son losing them is not what you want but you are better than you were and want to care for your son. You can show the courts that you school your son and that he is doing well. When you have a place with his own room, bed, toys, etc... they'll see that he has a place to stay. Your husband has work so there's income and thus money for food.
You are no longer injuring. Are you seeing someone about the anxiety? If you are and it isn't something that puts your child at risk, they can't count it against you either. As far as how she acts, could you maybe bring your sister and your husband to bat for you to say that she is emotionally abusive, to tell the court about "Growing up my sister and I would say the only emotion we ever saw from our mother was anger"? That would be points in your favor as well.
Also I would look into pro-bono attorneys. They could help you and it wouldn't cost you an arm and a leg.

Sorry that's probably a jumbled mess but I hope at least some of it helps you.

[Margo]

I too have similar questions. What was your relationship like with your mother and son when you handed him over? Did you lose all contact or was there and agreement or what? You miss that part out and i really dont know what the situation was like.

Secondly did you ever discuss what would happen if you recovered your situation?

Your mother sounds like she is protecting your son for obvious reasons and sounds like she holds a severe grudge against you and your lifestyle. Was she aware of your situation and full reasons behind why you couldnt look after your child? If she knew the extent of your illness i cant figure why she would seem to dislike you so much.

Now your mother will know what its like to have a child and how special that bond is. Im wondering if your mother has some issues of her own right now and this could be why shes so scared to lose your son? Is she perhaps covering up for something herself?

Perhaps she feels you will abandom him again? Do you think she is testing you in some way perhaps? Do you think that you need to prove in some way a little more that you are capable and willing to take care of him?

Its sounds grossly unfair and a little screwed up to me. the whole thing sounds ****ing awful and im not really sure what to say. I think the advice above is a good sensible starting point.

Have a hug! *hug*

Matthew x