How To Change My Reactions To Things I Can't Change?

[pea soup]

This is something that I have ALWAYS had trouble with.

it has TAKEN its toll in this household. Mostly, the grandparents. I can't raise him the way I did Keith. I can't be a mother figure to him when everything I do or say is undermined by them.

I'm worrying myself sick,literally. Migraine after migraine. I'm at a loss. I have tried to be assertive but it backfires. They take everything as an attack. I make suggestions which are just "thrown under the rug". And then when things with Kaleb aren't going the way they should, everyone just doesn't "understand"??REALLY??

Nana argues with him...he's 7!! You don't engage in arguments with a child! And she speaks however she pleases in front of him, never thinking about the thoughts or ideas she is implanting in his little brain.

I have bashed my head against this neverending wall for 4 years and I HAVE to calm down.

ANY suggestions are welcome. Kick me in the ass if you have to. I'm ready. Just help please.

Thanks.

[PoisonedApple]

Ok, I know they'll see it as an attack but have you pointed out that they are his grandparents not his parents?
or, Have you tried telling Kaleb to come straight home? Surely while you aren't his mother and his grandparents seem to shun the idea, you have lived with him more than half of his life, I'm sure you seem like a mom to him.
And if you can do it, I'd refuse him unhealthy food and tell him that the healthy food is there whenever he gets hungry. No child will actually starve themselves. He will get hungry eventually... my 3 kids always do when they try throwing fits to get what they want.

I hope that was at least kind of helpful.
*hugs*
You'll be okay Rach. You would either ignore it or fix it if you could. Don't blame yourself for not being able to.

[~Grace~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pea soup

This is something that I have ALWAYS had trouble with.

I can't raise him the way I did Keith. I can't be a mother figure to him when everything I do or say is undermined by them.

Ok...this bit worries me a little. I can really understand your concerns about the health and welfare of kaleb. But when you say 'I cant raise him'..do you mean 'we cant' as kelly has to take responsibility over this as he is her child. You cant raise him as you did keith as the situation is different and i feel the stress caused by all of this is taking its toill on you.

You and kelly HAVE to sit down and discuss where you want this to go...why cant it change so Kaleb comes home from school, has his tea at his home and then see his grandparents..if they dont like it...tough. If its a decision both of you agree to then stick to it.

Something has to be done as its really bothering you as it would me. If kelly isnt interested in change, you cant take resposibility over this, it will make you ill hun. kelly has to wake up and take care of her child....sorry xx

edit..im worried that came across as too harsh. Im sorry...I know kaleb means the world to you, I also know what this situation is doing to you. I hope things can be sorted...as said above kiddies never starve themselves...he will come around. Even if it is only breakfast, you can teach him the healthy way....but i think you and Kelly need to sit down and talk...does she worry about his health and welfare as much as you do? xx

[Casper_Fading]

I love kelly rach, I really do. but sometimes I feel like you're shouldering all the responsibilities for her child! I think it's time she stepped up and stepped in. She's strong enough to do so and it's her responsibility to do so. You need to sit with her and discuss this.

[pea soup]

Thank you.

sorry its taken me a bit to reply....we havent had air conditioning for days now and ive been sick....just everything is yuck.

im kinda in a "dont give a damn" mode right now. ive done all the things you guys have suggested...thats why i feel as if i am just slamming my face into a wall....

and...i guess im not even well enough mentally to try and deal with it. Kaleb isnt going to be raised as Keith has been...sooo...**** it. it isnt my responsibility and im tired of accepting it as mine. yes, i will feel guilty but oh well...

my old therapist called me last week and is accepting me again which is crazy because she is going to somehow get around my insurance because she doesnt accept it anymore. but she said she will make an exception. this is good since we got along even when she was tough on me. i know that ive been really defiant lately and im ashamed.

just so much **** built up lately...feel like ive lost it...but need to get it back. uggghhh....

Keith is giving my aunt and uncle trouble attitude wise. hes rebelling as teens do, i suppose but im worried about him. so much in my head...so jumbled into a sick mess. my aunt is going to therapy to help her with Keith which is troubling. i cant imagine him upsetting her to the point of therapy...jesus.

im rambling...thank you again...

[Margo]

Its true we cant change others, BUT we can change the way we feel about them and do something in our own minds to make us rest easier at night.

I dont think you shuld stop trying, but i think you should stop expecting too much of others.. You can only do what you can do and if at the end of the day you feel you tried your best then you can not ask any more of yourself. With time you can take a certain pride in this and it can and will change you and your relationship to a world that seemingly doesnt want to change.

If you want K to do X but Kelly says Y, then as long as your intentions were from the heart and with Ks best intentions at heart then you can not do any more. You can sit with a clean conscience that you tried.

You will never change the world and how it thinks but you can change the way you think about the world.

x

[PoisonedApple]

Maybe you can bring Kelly to an appointment with your therapist, give her warning of course, and discuss how you feel about it all and why and see if in a safe environment and with guidance you can come to an agreement about it all?
*hugs*

edit~~ totally ignore that... sorry didn't read the other post first.
*extra huggles and squishes*