I can't deal with this any more, I feel like I am going to explode. Everything, every single thing is making me want to shout, smash things, hit people, scream. I am almost shaking with anger that has no cause.
I've never felt so borderline in all my life. I can't stand any noise, any other people, any input. It's all too much, my senses are utterly overwhelmed and I think the only thing I could stand right now would be to lie in a white room with nothing in.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Well the massive thing eclipsing my life at the moment is my move to London next month and starting university. I'm terrified and excited all rolled into one and it's making me jittery! I go from bouncing with excitement to shaking with terror. The waiting is the worst part. I don't move until the 26th September and I just want to get it over with. I hate the build up.
My family have been out for the past hour and it's been bliss, but they are due home soon and it will probably overwhelm me again. I'm worried that living in halls of up to nine people will set me off like this.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
So you're anxcited?! [word patented by me and my therapist!] That can cause a whole lot of pent up energy that can't really be discharged in the present.
Then there's the whole issue of separating from your family, as it were. I know for me that stirred up a whole lot of difficult feelings for both me and my parents.
Change can be a scary thing, even change that can hold promise of good things - such as University. Often, we base our security and stability on the foundations of routine and home. Those big changes in life make us unsteady because they destabilise our sense of security in those foundations. If you are moving, it is bound to be scary, as is starting anything new. University can often feel like a big leap. You have got through such leaps before though - From Junior to Secondary school, for example.
It sounds like you are penting up an awful lot of emotions and that they are becoming cloudy and muddled. Anxiety can easily turn into irritation as we are less able to breath and relax.
As Katie asked, what would make you feel safer right now. Is there anything you can do that you find soothing and comforting. Like curling up under a duvet with a plushie or soaking in a bath?
Also, have you tried exercise as a means of dispersing some of your pent up energy. I find running on a treadmill can be great for this. The running helps put the energy somewhere and releases positive endorphins.
I know this may be coming across as incredibly patronising, and I understand that. I have been there. Do try to allow yourself to take that time for yourself though and be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with admitting to yourself and your familly that you feel unsettled and to act on those feelings - To seek out ways to ease your tensions and to seek out ways of feeling more secure and comforted.
Be gentle with yourself. That (admittedly frustrating) wait before the start will pass and you can ease yourself into the next step.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Yes, Katie, Anxcited! Exactly that. I feel like I've reached the stage now where I don't want to live at home anymore. Not because of bad feelings, just because it's my natural time to move on and be independent. So I think that's making me feel a bit irritated as well, that at 22 I'm still living under my mum's rules, in this transitional phase of, well, becoming an adult I suppose.
Roiben, it wasn't patronising at all. A lot of what you said I've been told before, things I should remember, but in this type of emotional state I can't think clearly and I need to be told again. I know things that comfort me, usually I put my fairy lights on, turn out the rest of the lights and get into bed and put soothing music on my ipod. But sometimes, even knowing that will relax me, I resist doing it. Like I think why should I have to comfort and soothe myself? Shouldn't the feelings just go on their own? But at the end of the day if I just made time to relax then I could feel better a lot quicker.
Exercise is a funny issue for me. The past couple of days I have actually gone for a run/walk and around that time my anxiety/irritability soared. I don't know if it's a coincidence, or if the increase in exercise whacked out my adrenaline? I didn't go for a walk today but I think I should have done.
I might have a soak in the bath as my muscles hurt from being so tense.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I understand the resistance to doing the things that may well help. I have had times when I have had to force myself to go to the gym even though everything inside is screaming not to - because it will and does help and I know that as soon as I feel that sense of relief afterwards. Yet I resist it.
It is about knowing it will be worth it to make yourself and to try. As hard as that can be at times, because the relief afterwards is worth that little self-nudge.
*safe hugs*
Do you think maybe you could try the fairy lights and music after your bath to prepare for bed tonight?
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
