its been a long time since ive been here..

[riley.]

...but im a little lost
i dont really know who i am any more
my mental health has taken a serious dip
like i've not known it to before..
i dont know..i just dont know

[Margo]

Hello B. Thought i recognised the photo. Long time no see. Im hoping the fact i havent seen you in ages is a sign things "were" better?

Im sorry they are bad now. Has something specific happened to make you feel bad?

[riley.]

things were better...yes matthew.
best they'd ever been
this is different stuff... i don't know what i'm dealing with here... i'm turning into one of those people from the inpatients wards that are too far gone to help..with no reason to be crazy...they simply are overcome by it.

i am so far away from my own humanity at the moment...everything seems so distant and lost.. i don't recognise things .. my memory is frightening... i remember some things but other things are totally forgotten.. simple things.. things that shouldn't be.. its like i've fallen away from the world somehow.. working perhaps on a slightly different level of gravity..i don't know..

and these thoughts blast out of no where..so intense they physically hurt not to allow...whatever this is has left me with tics too...progressively worsening over the last month thusfar...ocd the numbers have got me with those..so i'm twitching like a mad man lost in my mind... the only thing that slows down the tics enough to function is illicit. diazepam isn't doing sod all and the shrinks can't do a thing for another week...thursday it is..

that white noise craving has gotten me you see... and its hard..
i know i am not good. i haven't left my bed but to go to the toilet..injure myself..see the occasional neighbour to abate their 'concern'...and attend a and e in 3 weeks nearly.

and i'm too lost to explain it...

[riley.]

a&e again ...2nd time this week... nurses recognised me ...greeted like an old friend somehow...text care coordinator... she knows..supposed to be ringing me...dont want to be in hospital in case i never get out...
have been really stupid...done silly things...reckless.. i know my behavior is wrong and irrational ...but thats about as rational as my thinking gets..
am falling quickly into this one...

[Margo]

Perhaps IP is the safest place. Perhaps not fighting it is for the best right now?

[riley.]

will speak to them on thursday.. am hoping in patients in a last resort but sort of in last resort territory i suppose... have a meeting with the shrink thursday morning for guidance ...just want the pills that make me able to manage this **** better...but i wont lie to them.. or fight their decisions .. i know i'm not rational enough for that just now

[dollpart]

not sure what to say but just wanted to pass you support.

[riley.]

thank you... its much appreciated .. i know i've been in crisis... harmed more than i have in a long time..over a year probably..things have been somewhat messy...
saw the psych thursday..she was relatively useless as ever despite my desperate honesty and obvious frustration..and stupid angry tears at not being able to put whats in my head into words or ways she could understand...

i'm not functioning adequately.. my flat looks more like a squat at this time... i hate that too but i don't have the means to tackle it mentally or physically...not eating..not efficiently anyway..i'm not sure what that is about but have moved to living on milkshakes mainly...the odd tid bid here and there... if i can muster the ..something.. to try..

but my gp is being more helpful than he's ever been... back on meds..good meds... seem to be helping somewhat already ..to some extent at least.. though i don't really like the paperwork with them...what they're for... its all worse when you see it written down i suppose..but true i guess..at least to some extent...

i really don't want to be in this place... i was starting to build a life for myself...stupid imbalanced brain doesn't allow for such things and sends me into meltdown... i'd like it if i could cope the way most people seem to be able to...it seems elusive to me...nirvana perhaps...i'm not sure...
still i'm hoping i can fix myself.. somehow... i hate being so mentally dysfunctional...really hate it...
i hate injuring myself...i hate the darkness..i hate the intrusive nature of it all and the way it takes over somehow ..slyly..so i cant catch it before it hits crisis stage...

i really just want to be ok..