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Contains Suicide - The things you're not supposed to say (broken rant)
GRRRRRRRRRRR
Except it's not 'grr' it's a wail of pain, in desperation, because you can't keep it inside anymore.
They tell you, always, to seek help. Don't suffer in silence. You're not worthless, you just feel that way because you're ill, yadda yadda.
You seek help. Some of them seem to love the drama, in fact sometimes it's impossible to move for people determined to be the 'good samaritan'. Resistance is futile, the ambulance will be called. If you refuse to go, the police will appear too, the rest of your day will be spent being made to feel worse (and you were thinking that was impossible!) in A&E, before being sent on your way, feeling you've somehow been told off.
Or perhaps you opened up to a friend. Or worse, they know something is up, and insist, kindly, on you telling them. "You can always call me" they say, "You can always have a hug". Sometimes even "You're loved".
And then. when it really hurts, you reach out for help and are rejected. Oh sorry, not rejected. They are just busy - they have lives too, dontcha know? Oh no, don't cry. Don't make them feel guilty. And, don't kill yourself, because that would shatter their world.
I can't inflict that pain on anybody. That is why I am still alive. I can't get the support or help I need, it makes things worse if I ask for it, and I can't deal with the pain inside me either. I am in hell, and I remain here because the option of suicide would hurt people too much.
And then I get called selfish.
Attention-seeking.
Because I am still alive. So obviously didn't mean it about being suicidal then.
And, if one does, eventually succumb?
They've 'cried wolf' too many times apparently. How was anyone supposed to know they meant it this time?
Because, you ****ing morons, contrary to what you seem to believe, most people do not get a kick out of being suicidal. The negative 'attention' from suicidal gestures and thoughts is not enjoyable (don't even dare call them 'threats' – that is just another way to deflect your own fears and blame the person already suffering).
People need a loving, supportive, non-threatening and stable environment to heal. Please let them. Please let me. A communal atmosphere - sadly lacking in so many lives that were made to be shared – is, as far as I can see, the greatest help.
Accept the rejected.
Love the unloved.
And expect them to cry. Let them cry, and don't mind, and if they'll let you, hold them. There may be a seemingly endless waterfall of tears, but eventually it will run dry.
And you'd have saved an injured child from drowning, and let them grow into a compassionate member of the human race. From this we will all benefit.
Accept the rejected.
Love the unloved.
And remember that I bear the pain every day so that you don't have to.
~ Beth
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