PTSD

[tainted angel]

I have no idea what to write but I have PTSD ... I am really struggling. I don't have the energy or focus to explain properly. Does anyone here have PTSD and has some time to talk? Please gnore spellng etc today, really not with it, sorry.

[Rhea-Billie-Tate]

I'm sorry that you're struggling so much right now. I suffer from PTSD too so I know how draining it can be. Be gentle with yourself and try to do things that make you feel safe. Do you have things that help to distract you?

Am here if you want to talk,

[tainted angel]

Draining is a good word for it. I'm just tired of always reliving the past, always fighting the memories and flashbacks. Living through it once should have been enough.

I will try to take it easy on myself, but I find that difficult, I feel like I'm being weak in letting it affect me. In the 8 years since what happened I don't recall feeling really safe. I'm constantly waiting for the next thing to happen, as soon as I feel safe, as soon as I relax my guard ...

I keep being told to try distraction techniques and if I'm honest, I find them very difficult. Partly any distractions I like that are quite restful (movies for example) get interrupted by flashbacks. Partly it makes me feel more angry at myself for not being able to distract myself, like I ought to just be able to sweep it all under the carpet.

I feel the need to talk, but often when I come to say something, the words have gone again.

[when.will.it.end]

*hugs*

I have PTSD too & know what you're talking about. Can you talk here? I can totally relate with distraction techniques that get interrupted by flashbacks, it sucks and makes it hard to relax. You're not alone. xx

[tainted angel]

*hugs back*

Thank you ... it's good to know I'm not alone. I don't know anyone else who has PTSD, and there are no support groups anywhere near me, so I do end up feeling alone a lot.

I can talk a bit here. I find it hard talking about what I'm going through with people who don't have any understanding of PTSD though ... it's not that I'm not OK to explain, it's that people are afraid to ask, and I feel like I'm inflicting things on them if I tell. And some things I simply can't tell anyone.

Running helps me a lot - it's hard to have flashbacks when you're doing something so physical, and it's really hard to think about anything else when your legs hurt from running up a hill! lol. I went for a really hard run yesterday and got some focus in the afternoon, which at least meant I could finish up some things at work.

The feeling of everything being pointless snuck back into my head last night, and it hadn't gone away when I woke up this morning. I have this sort of cold feeling all the time of 'time is running out', normally that's what motivates me to keep going in the face of it all - knowing that life is short - but today I'm just feeling like, what the hell is it all for? This hurts, and hurts badly, and I'm just so so tired of fighting all the time to appear normal, to function. It's not that I physically can't do it anymore, I'm just failing to see the point of it all.

I'm, I don't actually know how to finish this post. *shrugs* sorry brain is really in and out.

[Rhea-Billie-Tate]

Fighting to function & ignore the pain your body is still reliving every day & trying to cope with flashbacks is exhausting. Never feeling safe is exhausting, it's no wonder you're tired and struggling to see the point in fighting it all. You don't have to feel guilty or feel that you're weak for still being affected by what you've been through, your body is still trying to process things that are really tough and really painful. I wish that telling ourselves that we should be "over it" by now would make it go away but sadly it doesn't. It's great that you find running useful as a distraction, we have to use whatever works for us. Talking or writing out everything that's going through you head does help, it's not a quick fix but the reliving and the flashbacks are your mind and body's way of trying to make sense of what's trapped in your head. I know that this is much easier said than done, because I really struggle to do this myself, but if you stop fighting the flashbacks and start to allow yourself to just sit through them, they do pass. Even if you take tiny steps and just allow yourself to feel it for a few seconds or a few minutes, whatever you can manage without overwhelming yourself. I know they're terrifying and it feels so real and so present and all you want is to escape them and not have to feel it, memories themselves can't physically hurt you. The feelings and emotions are powerful but tell yourself that you're safe now, you survived the real hurt and the feelings and memories can't hurt you.
I don't mean to make any of this sound easy to do or to deal with, like I said, I know what I need to do when I'm struggling but putting it into practice when you are frightened and overwhelmed is another thing altogether.
My inbox is always open if you ever want to talk, you don't have to do this on your own, I think feeling like you have to manage by yourself and that you shouldn't burden others or ask for help is half the battle. Have you got any support from a therapist or MH professional who knows what you're going through?

I hope you're managing to keep yourself safe tonight, try not to get angry with yourself or feel guilty for struggling. I'm really sorry if any of this has come off as patronising or like I'm dismissing anything you've said, that really isn't my intention at all.

[lila]

hi - sorry not to have helpful things to write, but wanted to let you know that I can relate to how difficult PTSD is.

hoping you can reconnect with the things that let you know the struggle is worth it.

[tainted angel]

I'll reply properly when I can, but just wanted to say thank you for your replies, it really helps to know I'm not alone and not going (completely!) crazy.

I've been really, really up and and down all weekend. Back to work tomorrow, but I like my job, so it shouldnt be too awful provided I can get some focus.

RBT - realised from what you said that I try to avoid all thoughts of it, like if I allow the memories I'm 'allowing' the event to have happened. But you're right, when you fight the thoughts they just get stronger. I'm trying to let them surface.

You know what scares me? I lost almost every part of who I was, gave up beliefs moral values, in order to survive. So if I get better and move on... I'm losing my last connection to who I was. And I have no idea who I am now. Not sure if that makes sense but it frightens me.

[tainted angel]

Yesterday was a bit better, but today was bad again.

I get intrusive thoughts (images really), and it just messes with my train of thought, and means I can't focus.

The memories have been bad today and they feel real, it doesn't seem to matter how many times I tell myself it's over and past, my brain clearly hasn't finished with the events - it just goes around my mind. makes me feel weak that i cant deal with it better, cant just move on.

I'm really triggered and finding it so hard just to function, struggling to get basic things (eating, brushing my teeth) done. I just want to sleep for about a week and just forget.

[startingagain]

Have you ever had EMDR?

[tainted angel]

No I've never tried it... I've been told it's good but I'm unsure if I can get it via the NHS, and finances are really tight. It'd only really be worth taking the chance if I could find someone that was really recommended - I've seen a lot of therapists now, so I don't hold out much hope.

As much as anything I'm looking for ways to live with it, as opposed to hoping to get completely better. It doesn't feel possible. Maybe I'm just being defeatist, I don't know...

Was much better this morning as I felt I had some energy and focus, and got quite a bit done at work. But the afternoon was quiet, and thoughts starting to creep back in ... once they get a grip it's hard to push them out again. I mean, they were there this morning too, but they didn't feel quite so real.

[startingagain]

My NHS therapist is also a trainer in EMDR and it would be worth asking if anyone has it in your area.

[tainted angel]

Well ... had my appointment with CMHT today.

It has stirred things up massively and it was horrible having to sit there and talk about things with a stranger (it was a male doctor as well, and it's nothing against men but with my past, I struggle to trust anyone and men especially) but it's been worth it, got a referral within CMHT to a trauma specialist who can do trauma-focused CBT and EMDR. God only knows why they've been telling my GP all this time they can't help and/or don't treat PTSD, then, as these are both recognised treatments for it!! Aaanyways. I won't rant too much. lol. The therapist is going on leave next week for a holiday, but will apparently prioritise seeing me on her return, and the waiting time shouldn't be too long.

Meds are changing again - Sertraline is being pushed to 200mg daily, and I'm coming off the Zopiclone (sleeping tabs) to another type of sleeping medication, as I'm getting tolerant to the Zopiclone but still having major sleep issues.

Work is really pressured for me right now, my boss is being as nice as possible but there are important projects I'm falling behind on, I simply can't focus. I've told him what's going on and he's said I can talk to him, and I can tell him if I'm struggling and we'll make a plan to deal with it ... I see his point, but if I told him every time I had a bad day, he'd just think I was complaining all the time and being weak. I have responsibilities to do and I can't just cry off them because 'oh I'm feeling bad' ... can I??

I've got to get a grip, I've got major money issues going on because of all this. Can't afford to keep going to my private therapist so gotta can that, and I reckon I'll need to sell my car and get something cheaper to run. All of this takes focus.... and I can't focus ... but if I don't, it'll all just get worse. Argh!! Feeling quite trapped in by it all. Also means I'm majorly triggered to SH, I feel like I need the control and the focus and it does give me that, even though I know it won't help me in the long run (or the short run really, I suppose).

I'm afraid to sleep tonight because I'm certain I'll have nightmares after today... and I gotta go look shiny and happy at work tomorrow, and focus, it's so hard to do right now ... I try really hard, but it just feels like thinking through cotton wool, and the harder I try to focus the worse the intrusive thoughts/images get ... it just gives me a headache even trying to force it.

It's been awhile since I've really felt the need for other people to prop me up or think well of me (normally I am very independent and self reliant), but at the moment I'm almost needy/clingy, and really feel unsure around other people. At work I'm quiet as anything, but I'm also being more honest than usual with other people - just don't have the energy to hide how I feel.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense and I can't deal with being on the computer either, focus is really shot and my head hurts, so gonna go try and get some sleep.

Sorry for the rant/ramble, and thanks for listening xx