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Where do I start?
I will warn any readers now, this will probably seem pretty fragmented and all over the place. I'm feeling a bit off at the moment, as you'll understand better as you read on. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read.
I have been dealing with severely depressed moods and anxiety issues for years now, about seven years, and have been self harming on and off throughout that time. This year I started at university and though it's mostly subjects I like, and will become more focused on the things I enjoy, it's also very hard. I am a smart person, but I hate not understanding things, which is very much the case with my physics subject (required subject, not my choice). No matter what I do I can't seem to get it, and it's adding so much more stress I really don't need.
Anyway, more to the point, for the last few weeks, with the exception of a day here and there, I have been feeling particularly down. My self harm has increased, as has the number of panic attacks, of which I had numerous today alone. I stopped counting after the 5th or so, by about midday today. Though my panic attacks aren't as severe as they once were, it's still not something I want to go through each day.
Previously I have had counseling for these issues, for around 4 years combined (2 different counselors). I feel sometimes that talking about my issues could help, but I really struggle to speak to people about anything more than just the surface stuff, especially face-to-face. Over internet/phone isn't quite so horrible, but it still takes a bit. I have been given many options to help calm down, including meditation (which turned out to be an absolute disaster), but I'm yet to find something that really works. The same goes for alternatives to self harm, nothing seems to stick.
I'm so sick of feeling so miserable, anxious and helpless all the time, and don't know where to start. I don't have much in the way of support from my family, and only two people are close enough to me to even know how horrible I feel all the time. I don't know where to go for help and just feel like nothing out there will help. I struggle to ask for help due to my anxiety over any little thing that's different (such as going to see a new person), and seeing a psychologist feels so daunting I'm borderline in tears jut thinking about it.
What can I do? How do I start to recover from this hole I seem to have gotten myself stuck in? Any help/love/hugs is much appreciated right now.
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