I've been on the site for a few months now and i thought its about time i shared my problems if i ever want to start to feel better.
I've been really angry lately and i'm not really one to share so it just keeps getting so much harder every day to keep it all to myself cause the anger just builds.
I'm almost 16 yrs old and yet when I have to think about my childhood my mind just goes blank. All I remember is a fight with my older brother over something small where he dragged me about by my hair, pushed me beat me and kicked my stomach till I felt like I was going to throw up. And a couple of other similar episodes.
I haven't spoken to my brother in over two or three years now (I lost count, I dont remember how it started) although we live in the same house. When I stopped communicting with my older brother, he started to manipulate my younger brother and hit him too. Now my younger brother does not speak to my older brother either although they share a room.
My mum only spoke to me about the situation, when my brother started acting out towards her and disappearing for days only to come back and be rude and angry towards her, to tell me that it is important to speak to him as he needs support. When I told her about what had been happening she cut me off, told me to stop exaggerating and that it was normal for siblings to fight.
I feel like I'm about to explode with frustration that after everything I must feel guilty and that everything is somehow my fault. maybe if I'm a nicer person this would never have happened. And that the problems between my older brother and the rest of my family were started by me.
I can't speak to anyone one about this and I feel like I may go mad. My family is aware of the problem but we find it very hard to speak about any sort of emotional subjects.
I just move day by day hoping that one day when I leave home I'll have the money to get help.
I worry sometimes that maybe I am the problem and that I am making a big deal about nothing, but I have heard about other peoples experiences and I find my situation to be similar.
Please if anyone knows how I feel or has been through something similar, dont be shy to answer. I need help and I just have no idea what to do next . .
I can't relate, but just wanted to say its not your fault and youre not making a big deal about nothing. Sorry youre going through this.
As for what to do...are there any other adults outside your home you can talk to openly about the abusive situation in your home? It is not normal for a brother to beat up his siblings, and neither one of you should have to be in that situation. Your mother should not allow that kind of behavior hun.
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Honey you really, really need to talk to someone. Something is just not right and you need help and safety to work through this and make sure nothing else bad happens to you. I know it's scary but you really need to. *hugs gently*
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
thankyou so much for replying, i cant express the difference it has already made!
I dont know where to go for help, but sharing made me feel like a bit better
I dont know how to speak with my parents, I think they'll judge me and be angry I just dont know what to do
*hugs*
Last edited by jenluvscupcakes : 09-08-2011 at 10:07 PM.
Reason: i wanted to add something
It is NOT your fault at all. You're not the problem, and you're not making a big deal over nothing.
Is there anyone outside of your immediate family that you could talk about it with? Friends, teachers, phone support lines etc.
Are you seen by any mental health services at all? It sounds as if you could all really benefit from family therapy so that you could get together and discuss the issues in a supportive environment.
I'm starting to lose it again. It's like last summer, i'm really depressed and i just cut myself off from everyone. I don't know how to control my anxiety anymore, i find myself become really angry everytime i see my brother. i start shaking and i have to leave a room to start crying. sometimes the way my mother looks at me when she sees me being angry about my brother makes me feel really dirty. I get angry at her aswell and i say really mean things to her that i dont mean as i feel unabe to share my feelings with her. sometimes i'm talking to someone and i just stop and my eyes fill up and i start to feel really down.
i feel really ashamed and above all guilty when i think about how my family has been ruined because of me. and i feel really ungrateful and ashamed that my dad goes to work everyday and has to come home to such a toxic environment.
I can't take being in my house and i'm upset that my mother sometimes ignores me when i was speaking to her because she just saw my brother and wants to speak to him instead.
I'm angry that although he's over 18 he's still allowed to be in our house after what he did to me and how he hurt our little brother.
no one is bothered about how the situation affects me and thay act like its my fault.
i feel ashamed to discuss this with anyone and i feel dirty and like people will think i am mad or wont want to be around me because of what's happening in my family.
i dont feel safe or at ease in my house especially when my brother and i are at home alone or in the same room.
I have no idea hat to do i just want it all to stop, to stop feeling so anxious like i'm going to explode and i want to stop feeling so guilty and dirty like its all my fault for being such a bitch that my brother had to hit me to shut me up. . .
Why should you feel guilty?
You have done nothing wrong.
Can you get out of the house, and stay somewhere else?
You could talk to your doctor, but be careful not to ba palmed off with meds.
Don't let your mother make you feel dirty.
Abusers often deny and minimize the abuse, but sadly, so do other people living in the house with you.
You have nothing to feel ashamed of, I promise you.
You did not ruin your family.
You have not abused anyone, but your brother has abused you, now your little brother, and your mum.
You are not making the environment toxic, your brother is.
Don't believe anyone who acts like it's your fault. It sounds like you stood upto your abusive brother which is a good thing. The others may just want to avoid rocking the boat and upsetting the status quo, with little regard that the status quo is made toxic by your abusive brother.
No one worth bothering with will judge you because of what your family does, that is them, not you.
i dont feel safe or at ease in my house especially when my brother and i are at home alone or in the same room.
You are not the only one your brother abused, so how can it be your fault. Your brother has pain from a past experience that he is not facing, and this is why he is abusing.
Do you have a school or college tutor you could speak to.
If you are in the UK, you could phone saneline 08457678000.
Bottom line, Not your fault,
No reason to feel guilty,
No reason to feel ashamed.
I cant stand seeing him any longer and seeing my mother's make shameless allowances for him. She knows what he did, why do they want to hurt me like this.
She looks at me like i have broken our family.
And my brother wont leave me alone, its like he wants to torment me more, he brushes past me in hallways, stands so close to me in the kitchen it makes me start shaking, he eats my food and always comes to sit next to me at the table when im drawing.
I sound like i'm crazy and paranoid, my friend laugh when i tell them how much thiese things annoy me.
But really doesn't he feel any shame why cant he leave me in peace and go away.
I feel like i want to explode and disappear.
I want to go live with my grandma, but i think my parents will laugh at me and tell me i'm ungrateful if i tell them i want to go.
I think you should go live with Grandma if she's okay with it. You're not a little kid so it's not like she'll need to look after you too much. It's not trivial or funny what your brother does. He abused you, and him invading your space is him exerting his "dominance" and purposely trying to make you feel uncomfortable. It's an abuser behavior, and it is serious. You're not ungrateful if you want to go live with your grandma. Heck I wouldn't be surprised if your little brother hops in your suitcase! Who wants to live with people who terrorize you? You're not doing anything wrong trying to get out of that house. *hugs* Good luck.
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
all i can say is i understand 105% on what your going through, please feel free to pm me if you ever need a chat. just remember one day you will be free of it (sorry short on words today xXx)
I think it is a good idea to move out and move forward in your future, you will be freely as a bird! :)
It wasn't quite right about your family at your home situations and it seems like getting out of the hand. I will makes sure that you will be safe while you moved out soon! hopefully! I'm surprised that your mom doesn't trust you with disgust of your older brother wasn't not nice at all!
You best to take care of yourself and love yourself too! "hugs"
with school and everything its just not possible at all to move in with my grandma, she's just been really sick and she needs someone to take care of her, rather than her having to take care of me.
i feel so trapped and depressed mostly because after she promised to help me, my friend stopped talking to me and i'm afraid to tell anyone else.
i felt so hopeful when she said she'd help that i'm afraid of hoping like that again and getting hurt.
i can't stand having to smile and laugh all day and to pretend everything's rosy.
i'm scared i really am, that i'll get worse and i'll never get better.
i no i need help, but i can't bring myself to tell anyone i'm scared of what will happen and what the consequences will be towards my family.
i've been going out and drinking a lot, i feel so much better and happy, but then i feel so stupid and so much worse.
when i see my brother i start to panic and i find it hard to breathe,
i know this is not normal i'm scared,
i don't know how to be happy or how to have fun with my friends anymore,
pretending is too tiring
even when we go out i just end up getting drunk as piss and going off on my own with random guys
my mother just doesn't want to know, she just pretends everything is fine, when she sees me anxious she gives me this look, i don't like how she makes me feel.
i want help but i don't know where to look and what happens when i ask
i want to feel happy and free but i don't know how nothing helps
i'm scared i'll get worse
i can feel myself slipping and i don't know for how long i'll be able to keep this up
i'm just tired
i've been having really vivid memories
the other day my brother came really close and leaned round me to get a plate (i don't think he's ever heard of personal space)
all of a sudden i just remembered on time i must have been about 11, he was hitting me with a telephone, i had tried to call our dad, then he threw my on the floor, the memory just stopped then.
it happened before aswell, wen he comes close like that sometimes i remember his hands in my hair, sometimes i remember him smashing my head against the wall.
i think i'm better for a day or so then a memory like this comes,
it like i'm in that moment again i can feel him hit me and i hear my ears ringing
memories like that get me down its like i'll never be able to forget . .
