I Feel A Hypocrite And Fraud....and of course, missing Keith has me really down.
I'm sitting here replying to threads as best I can. But I dont take my own advice.
Ive sat here and burned and plan to continue. It calms me. I can feel the tears in my throat but they are stuck. I feel if I could cry, I might not harm...but I cant.
Im so tired. I cant sleep.
I dont know why im replying to people, they would be better off if I just ****ed off.
I just try because I feel a responsibility. If I'm asking for help, I feel others should also receive it. But I talk a bunch of BS that IS true but I dont listen to myself.
I'm a wreck...I just want to sleep. I worry constantly about so much.
Starting therapy once a week again is hard. It brings up issues that I'd rather not deal with but I also realize that I need to because they are obviously bothering me.
I feel alone because no one understand my situation with keith. No one has been there. Sure, women have lost their children but its different circumstances. I just feel sick. I continue looking at his pictures and it makes my stomach hurt.
In 4 more years he will be 18 and off to college. I've missed it all. It's almost over...his whole childhood.
I know I've been over and over this and I'm sorry...but it's there and I cant stop it.
Will someone please at least talk to me?
Jesus..I sound so needy and pathetic....
Last edited by pea soup : 09-08-2011 at 03:12 PM.
Reason: ......
You are not needy or pathetic at all. I think many of us are guilty of giving advice and being kind to others but not doing the same for ourselves. I don't think you talk BS either, your replies are very helpful (you said some helpful words to me), but if you are not feeling up to it then it's okay not to reply and to look after yourself.
I know I don't understand the situation with Keith, and this is probably of no help since I don't know the details, but you still have his whole teenage years and adulthood to enjoy. When we feel low it's hard to shake off the past (I can go over things in my head over and over again), but can looking to the future and new experiences not maybe help? Again I know this is also hard when feeling so low.
I can understand you finding therapy difficult, but just remember what you said to me. Things will turn around. Not sure when, but it will.
I hope you can stay safe and be kind to yourself.xx
Keith doesnt live with me. I sent him away when he was 5. We get to visit 2 or 3 times a year. We talk alot by phone but I'm just losing it. I wasnt safe for him when he was younger due to dissociations.
I have these periods where missing him becomes too much and I plummet.
I hope to get some sleep at some time...but when I lie down, my thoughts just spin and its no use.
Thank you very much for your kind words...means alot :)
You clearly consider his well being and care for him a lot and that must have been an extremely difficult decision to make. I know nothing will make missing him any less painful, but maybe you can focus on his future visits and phone calls and remind yourself that this wasn't your fault.
Is there anything you can do to distract yourself so you can relax and get some sleep? I know this isn't much but I find a bubble bath can help me de-stress (especially if I use lavender bubble bath). Sorry I know this sounds a silly idea but lack of sleep makes everything even worse and difficult to deal with (which sadly I know that too well), so I hope you do eventually get some sleep.
Maybe it would be okay to wake Kelly up so you can talk to her (sorry I have no idea of the time were you are).
You will get well, just be patient and keep fighting.
xxx
Kelly can be a bitch if she doesnt wake on her own and im NOT dealing with that.
i did lie down and my cat snuggled with me but i still cant sleep...so im just going to try to occupy myself somehow. im trying not to burn anymore.
im so frustrated and im thinking this may be due to PMDD(pre menstrual dysphoric disorder)...its not PMS..it horrendous...rageful...moods swinging back and forth....utter chaos.
and i have a freaking headache. im sorry to be such a bitch but sometimes i can be....
Rach, not sleeping can have a massive effect on people's moods and mental health. When you see your social worker or therapist could you ask for any things short term that might help get your sleep back in sinc. You yourself also mentioned that your PMDD is kicking off. These are both very real reasons for why you may be feeling like this. Hang on to that. If there is a reason then there will be a solution.
Listen to Emma hun, she speaks wise words...getting some medication short term to help with your sleep is a good idea, you really cant carry on like this. Im sorry chat didnt work...I think i know what i was doing wrong...sorry xxx
How are you feeling today? I hope you managed to get some sleep. Is there anything you can take or get help with for the PMDD? I can get PMS which is clearly nowhere near as bad as PMDD and even then that's enough to make me feel even worse, so it must be really difficult for you right now.
You said sorry for being a bitch, but honestly, you were not and are not. I agree with Pomegranate about asking for help with sleep, because lack of sleep is also extremely detrimental to our moods.
I'm not sure what else to say but I hope you can be kind to yourself. Take care.x
wellll....walked out on my therapist today. I think it was justified.
i was talking about the anniversary of my dad's death which has been affecting me badly and she kept saying "this isnt what you are herer for". we made a goal in the beginning that my goal was to learn how to deal with guilt, etc. about Keith.
WELL....today, i needed to talk about something else. she wouldnt let me. i was getting nowhere. so i left. she yelled down the hallway that she wouldnt schedule any more visits. really hurt me.
ive spoken with my social worker and he doesnt blame me. therapy is to help vent and learn how to cope and today i needed help coping with something other than Keith and she wouldnt accept it. it was bad.
I feel like a failure at therapy but i just couldnt sit in there feeling so inferior like a child as if i had no control over what i could say...when just last week, she told me i didnt have to "edit" with her.....just broke me.
so, here i go looking for another therapist and not sure if i even want to deal with it again.
at least i still have my social worker and he comes on the 16th.
im ok, i guess...really hazy....and in a daze..but managing.
sorry about the raging posts earlier but i was angry,lol.
thanks you guys for putting up with me. it can be a daunting task!
i made up for lost time yesterday,lol. slept and slept. i do feel more in control of myself.
just sitting here kinda bored. Kaleb starts school on Monday....anxious about that.
Im still thinking alot about yesterday and my therapist or ex therapist. she was downright rude. ive had hardcore therapists before but not rude.
i know i need to be in therapy but im scared.....i dont want to deal with another situation like that.
OHHH..i FINALLY spoke with Keith :)
He is bored his first trimester of high school,lol. he took a study hall because he thought he would be having alot of homework but turns out, not yet. he doesnt go into his advanced placement courses until next trimester...so he's bored right now. it was sooo great to hear from him though :)
Firstly if all of us took the advice we dish out there wouldnt be forum. We would make 5 posts and leave. Some people can take advice and go, others take time, some go into denial and then re-think and take it in and some just dont want help at all.
I think all of us along the way have all of the above at some point. Ive known you here a long time. Ive seen you responsive and objectionable. However you have always taken the advice and processed it at some point a long the line. Even when things are said you hate (often by me), you take it in and learn a little. This means you are willing and you do try. however your illness and complications make it hard sometimes to move. your self destruct mode is hard to shift. Rach you can be difficult at times but you are certainly not one to refuse all advice and refise to try.
You always seem a very black and white person to me. I often think the bits you struggle most with are the grey areas inbetween. Im thinkning this is a case of this now.
I know you find it hard and i can imagine its hard to regulate, but you have done well! Keith breaks your heart but you have never let him go, even at your worst! You will never be one of those moms who dissapeared for years. Youve always been there for him. the physical presence is important but the emotional supportive is much more important! Youve never stopped that!
I dont think you should stop therapy. I think it would be very bad. Think of it like this, you have had a lot of trauma dregged up from the past recently. A huge periodof stress and then a huge frightening shock. then you start therapy and she wants you to talk about difficult things. Im not surprised you freaked. but Rach therapy IS HARD!
This person may have been rude but you need to swallow pride and apologise and get back. you need to do this so they keep you on their books. Its easier to get a different therapist while in the loop than it is out of it. You are Human and allowed to react. Dont give up on this. Fight for it! Get back, talk to this woman and see if its worth seeing her again. DO NOT let your anger and worries and fears make the decisions for you.
Calm down!
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
you do make so many good points. And oh YES, your advice has angered me many times, but after time, I grudgingly take it.
I guess I am a more black and white type person. It is very hard for me to see the grey areas.
I know I need therapy and I need to discuss it with my social worker first.
And yes, for 9 years now, Keith and I stay in contact and I always know what is going on in his life and am cheering him on :) I I see him as a teenager now(as I should) but that makes it hard knowing that in 4 years he'll be off to college and his childhood over. I don't get a second chance. It's heart-breaking for me.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
