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Join Date: Jun 2007
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[[I don't have any words left for a title]] *possibly triggering SI and Suicide*
I posted this in my R/V thread but...if possible I need some form of support about this. I warn you, it's long. And I'm sorry if you read it all. Just...some support..or even hugs would be good right now. And I know it's hard to read but right now i don't have brain power to write properly. >.< Sorry. i may delete this.
I feel like I've finally broken. Completely. I was holding it together...but now I can't...and now I have no one and I'm completely alone when I need someone more than ever. What the **** is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just accept this is how things are and how they're meant to be and that it's all right? Why can't I trust people and talk to them and make sense when they ask me what's wrong? Why is it that I am every other ****ing persons shoulder to cry on whenever they need me...but as soon as I'm struggling...I have to deal with it all on my own? I don't even know who the **** my real friends are anymore because as soon as I think someone is one they show me their true colours and turn their backs. Fine. I'll just stop trying. It's what people want me to do. I couldn't even explain it to the mental heath people on saturday. Saturday was a calm day and I could think logically. Calm days aren't like this. Calm days mean I can talk and laugh and not cry. Then there's days like today. Days when I feel like if I don't get this stuff out of me I'm going to die. I'm going to scream and cry and rip myself apart. Days like today are when I can't see an end to all this. I can't see the people wanting to help me. I just see the ones trying to hurt me all the time. I see myself being alone. I dream of dying because living doesn't make any sense anymore. My brain doesn't make sense anymore. I can't see the point in anything on days like today. The waves are crashing in my head again and I can't make them stop. The music just about covers them. Just about drowns it all out. There's a dull rumble behind it but not the crash...crash...crash of every wave. Calm days are when I can see the top of the water. I can feel the coolness of the water. There's just a gentle hum of it all. The waves are crashing full force now though. Over powering my thoughts. Keeping all sign of logic out of it all. Like I said, on calm days I can't explain any of this. When I try to it sounds fake...like I'm making it all up because I'm not feeling it at that very moment. Like it was all just a faded dream I had one night a milliion years ago. So people just think I'm attention seeking. Think I'm making it all up. "You don't look malnourished" - that comment keeps going around and around. You know what though? I never brought up my eating. YOU asked how my eating was and I was trying to be honest. So I said the truth...and you said that. Thanks. That's just given me more ammo to use against myself when I start to slip back into wanting to eat. Yeah. That comment drills into my head every time I even look at a piece of food. I feel physically sick everytime I hear it again. I hate how much of a mess I am making of my life...is that not clear to everyone? I don't want to feel this way. I don't want these thoughts. I don't want to keep missing work because of being in hospital after each suicide attempt. I don't want to feel unsafe all the time. I don't want to freak out all the time. I don't want to be the one of my friends always unhappy and feeling like **** and making everyone elses life a misery. I want to laugh and joke and plan for the future and care about everything like everyone else does. I just...don't. I fail. At life...and for that I am truely sorry. I can't explain any of this to Adam because he will do one of two things...he will either a) run 10000000000 miles away from me and I'll lose him forever or b) he'll sit and listen and try to understand but fail because it doesn't make any sense and blame himself and worry about me. Neither of which I can stand to happen. If he leaves I'll truely be on my own and I'll have no one to turn to. If he worries I'll see that look in his eyes everytime he looks at me and it'll break my heart everytime I see it to the point that it'll drive me insane. I can't stand trying to explain this to him and him not understanding. If I don't explain it, there's always a chance he knows how I'm feeling, but if I tell him it confirms that he actually has no idea and I'm complately alone in feeling like this. I wanna cry and fall apart so badly right now. I'm pushing myself to every limit I have and any minute now, I am going to break and after all that's happened recently, I don't think I have the energy to put myself back together. I need to hold it together though, because they're depending on me...and I've got that trip on friday...and I've got to go back to my parents this weekend...and I've got to work...and everyone thinks I'm getting better...because I'm making it look that way but I'm not...I'm getting worse and it's going in a downward spiral and I can't stop it. I'm writing this rambling blog because I have no one to say this to and I feel like my head's about to cave in. I know I have people who're there for me, I'm not stupid enough to think I don't have friends...I just...people never want to know, you know? When people say "Hi, how are you?" they want to hear "Hi, I'm good you?"...not, "Hi, well actually I want to go and throw myself off the nearest sky scraper, you?". It might be harsh, but it's true. Nobody asks that question wanting to know the truth. Yet, everyone seems to ask it these days. I've seen loads of things written recently about how to pick up the pieces when a loved one has tried to commit suicide...but no one seems to know how to do it when it's you who's done it, you know? No one ever seems to have that answer. I hate the people who ask - "so, what's been going on?" - when I was in hospital, that's all the nurses and doctors seemed to ask. Well, you're the one with my chart I'm pretty sure you can tell me. **** off. Why should I explain my side of things when you've all already made up your minds about me? Everyone thinks I'm attention seeking. Think I'm making it all up. You know what phrase I HATE the most? "Why would a young woman like yourself want to kill herself?" - patronising much? You know what maybe it's because I'm selfish. Maybe it's because I'm attention seeking. Or maybe...just maybe I've learnt that a longer life isn't always a better one. When you start to get older and grow up you realise a lot of things. You realise that your parents can't always protect you from the bad stuff in life. You realise the people you trusted with your life in high school, you wouldn't trust to through you a life aid if you were drowning now. You realise not all adults are there to protect you. You learn who are honest to God true friends and who're just using you as a foot hold to climb up the ladder of success. You watch the people you love the most leave this world far too early. You realise that even though you're warned about keeping away from strangers and people who may hurt you...the person you really need to watch out for is yourself because it's you who can do the most damage sometimes. Or maybe it's just me who can do the most damage. I don't know. I think the thing that hurt me the most when my brother killed himself wasn't losing him...while that broke my heart in two...it was in fact that I learnt my parents couldn't stop hurt creeping into your life. No matter how hard they try. That no matter who they keep from your life or how close an eye they keep on you, ultimately, it's you who has got to make sure you're safe. No one else can do that for you. Their protection fades and in the end even with friends and boyfriends and brothers around you, you're alone. 100%. When you're younger you never quite realise how wrapped up you are. You have your parents. Older siblings. Relatives. Then you have teachers. Then...when all that finally drops away...you realise how much they were trying to help you all along. You fight and fight against the restrictions put in place as you grow up...but as soon as they're gone you feel alone and naked in a world wanting to hurt you. I guess that is one thing I regret the most. Not taking the help that was offered to me. Now, when there's nothing left, I need to fight this alone. All by myself. I just don't think I have the coping methods in place to do that. I've always pushed all of this to the side. Thinking that it'll go away. That it's a phase. That I'll grow out of it. Yet, here I am, 22 years old, having suffered this for 10 years, still in the same dark place I was back then. Except, now I'm accountable. Now it's up to me to reach out for the help I need. I need to stop this pain in my throat everytime I try to explain this all. They all keep saying this - that I have to be willing to accept help given. Well, wasn't it me who went to my GP first? Wasn't it me who explained how I was feeling. Wasn't it me who kept going back to my GP like he said to? Wasn't it me who called the crisis team? Wasn't it me who agreed to sit through a meeting with the mental health team? Isn't it me who has tried to be honest about this all?...isn't it them who's tried to explain this with me being selfish or attention seeking or it all being down to my diabetes? Yes. It's the, who's made me feel like I'm making this all up. Tell me the panic attacks aren't real. Tell me the suicidal thoughts aren't in my head. Tell me I'm not cutitng my arms. Tell me I'm making all this up. That's fine, but tell me how to make my brain believe I'm making all this up and I'll believe you...because I can't. None of this is getitng any better. In fact, it's getting worse. A whole lot ****ing worse. I'm getting tired. So very tired of all of this. Tired of these cycles of me fighting and fighting to keep my head above water to feel better for a few months and then all of a sudden, I'm back to where I started from. Back to wanting nothing more than to cut myself to pieces. To burn my skin off. To jump from a ****ing great height and feel the pavement hit my face. Then, i have to somehow pick myself up and try again. Well, maybe I'm done this time. Maybe I'm sick to death of helping other people out of this hell and staying here myself. People just seem to use my head as footing to jump out of this, and leave me sinking further and further under their weight. Why is it always them who get to have the happy life with everything they've always wanted...and I'm left alone in a sea of pity and blood? When does it become my turn? I feel like, since being in hospital this weekend, that I've got less support than I did before it happened. I feel like everyone has collectively taken about four steps back from me...scared that they'll catch crazy off me. Maybe they will. I feel like this poison inside my will seep into everything and everyone I love around me. Maybe I should be pushing them away. Maybe I'm better off on my own. Tonight, more than ever, I am reminded of this saying; "Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile & you don’t want to fake being happy, but at the same time, you don’t know exactly what is wrong either. There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. people have stopped being comforting, & being alone never was. at least when you’re alone no one constantly asks you what is wrong & there isn’t anyone who wont take , " I don’t know " , as an answer. You feel the way you do because, you hope the feeling with pass soon and you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait..." - This seems to sum up my life right now. Except, the section which says "you don't know exactly what's wrong either" - in a way I do, but I just don't have the energy or the brain power to put it into words. To explain it. Even to people who supposedly do know how I'm feeling. Who have been here before. I'm not stupid enough to think I'm the only one to have ever felt this way. I'm really not. I just...people in my life haven't. People in my life don't know what to say when I try to explain how I feel because they really have never felt this way before. So they try to help. They try to understand. They try to empathise...and that's when the hurting starts. That's when they start to comprihend how much hurt I hold inside me and the hurt and pity starts to shine in their eyes and I can no longer stand myself because I've caused it all. I've made them worry and care and feel sorry for me. I should always be the one with the concrete smile on her face. The one you can't remove no matter how hard you chisle away at it. Or at least, until I'm out of everyone's view and I break down in private. So I don't affect anyone else. People sometimes ask me why I'm always offering myself as a shoulder to cry on or someone to rant at...and do you know the real reason? Because it's a hell of a lot easier to listen to someone elses problems and be there for them then to spend enough time with them for them to realise how much I'm hurting right now. People get amazingly distracted when you start talking about their problems. I have a constant feeling that I've let everyone down if I show how I'm really feeling. If I let people in. If I show them all how weak I am. I want nothing more than to scream at the top of my lungs how right now I want to be dead. More than anything in the world. I want to stop it all. Right now. Stop the thoughts. Stop this feeling. Stop the pain. I'm just never quite sure. Maybe part of me is scared I'll fail. Or maybe I'm scared I'll succeed. I'm not sure. I'll be honest. I think all of this started as a cry for help. As a sign that I'm struggling and I need help. Now, it's developed into so much more than that. So much more hurt and pain and...now everythings got to the breaking point. Everything's now...all or nothing. This time around I either get better or I die. It's as simple as that. This either works or it doesn't. There's no half measures this time. No "I'm on my way to getting better" or "Things are improving". I need a solid answer of "This is going to fix you" or there is no point to it. There's no point even trying. Or maybe I'm just too cynical for my own good. When I was younger I used to sit there, day dreaming about what I'd become when I was older. What job I'd have. What house I'd live in. Who my husband would be. The kids I'd have. Only now. Now I don't see anything. I just see darkness. I don't see past the next day. I don't see a future. I see darkess and pain. I don't want that. Any of it. For anyone. So why shouldn't i finish it all now. I'm done rambling. My brain is fried. No one will have read this far anyway. Apologies if you did.
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