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Pregnancy driving me mad
Sorry - I don't really use RYL much, and pretty much never reply to anyone else on here (the place scares me quite a lot tbh, I don't understand how it all works!) but I just can't sleep and feel exhausted and weepy and awful.
I'm 30 weeks pregnant, only 10 weeks to go. My life is crap, but I have a great life, how confusing is that?
I have a wonderful partner, lots of MH/pregnancy support from the perinatal psych service. But I'm not employed, and my partner earns too much for me to get any benefits, so I have no money, and am going to have to ask him for a weekly allowance now. I have a terrible, awful family who have been nothing but pure evil through the pregnancy, and I'm trying to chuck out of my life for good.
I'm alternating between getting annoyed and complaining/telling off/nagging my partner, and feeling so terribly grateful and guilty towards him. If it wasn't for the baby i wouldn't want to be around, but then that would destroy him, so I'm here for him. I want to self harm or something, but that would seem like I'm making out he's not doing enough to make me happy, and he's so wonderful, he really is. He works full time, and still helps with hosuework at home, I do F all, just sit and wait for this baby to appear.
Tonights breakdown was caused by me buying white bedding, because it was in the sale and came with nice stuff and was cheap. But my walls and radiator are cream, it doesn't match. And we have to buy a changing table, but my bed and chest of drawers and dark wood, btu the cot is pine, and I don't know what colour to go for. None of my clothes match, I don't even own any jeans because they dont suit me, so getting dressed is a nightmare, I only have dressy clothes, nothing easy to wear. My partners mum gives me pyjamas because I get into such a state trying to find a suitable pair.
I kind of want to do something to 'let rip' to get the frustration out, like self harm would, but I just can't bear to disappoint my partner, he works so so hard to look after me, when we got engaged he proposed with the most beautiful ring that he spent days travelling round the country visitng what sounded like hundreds of jewellers to find, it's stunning, a massive sapphire with two elaves on either side made of 6 diamonds of an incredible cut - I'm fussy about diamond cut, I'd rather have a tiny perfect diamond than something large of poor colour, cut and clarity. And he did all that for me, and bought me a new car, and I'm just sat getting steadily more fat and pointless. The only hope is that I am going to be a stay at home mum and raise his child, but what if I'm a terrible mum? What if I just end up turning on the tv, and giving the child crisps? I just wish I could click my fingers, go back to the years before I met him, was trying to kill myself, ad get the job done properly, because I could never do anything like that now, I have to look after myself for two other people. And my dog.
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