Personal Piece- Contains upsetting material - a little about myself
This is something I wrote about myself... I felt more comfortable writing it from a different point of view other than my own... and i know its not that well written, it was really early and i hadn't slept yet when i wrote it... there's a lot of missing information, because it would turn into a novel otherwise...
She stood in naked before the bathroom mirror, not knowing what to think. Every second she stared at her body she found another reason to hate what she saw. It wasn't something she had acquired over time: Not that she could remember anyway.
She had hated herself for as long as she could remember. She wasn't as average as anyone else either... maybe that was why she was always picked on throughout school. She was too fat, too tall, too harry, she started to change before everyone else-there was obviously something wrong with her. Her feet were too big as well, she couldn't find cute shoes in a size ten and a half. She grew so tall so fast that her jeans never fit quite like they were supposed to. And she never felt quite right inside either... being extremely shy for her age seemed to give other kids permissible reason to to pick on her. She was never comfortable in her own skin, and although no one seemed to ever notice she kept pretty much to herself.
Her elementary school classmates never seemed to give her a break. They pushed her and pushed her trying to see how far they could really go, but she never really seemed to snap. This is how she ended up in anger management classes with a local therapist and a few of her classmates. She never did anything about the bullying. Apparently this wasn't normal, and the school staff was afraid that she would one day be pushed too far to bounce back.
In therapy the most covered example of anger was a volcano. Volcanoes can go years and years just appearing to be sleeping. It is pretty hard to tell the signs that it might be awakening unless you really know what to look for, and even then it can be tricky to tell what exactly is going on under the surface. As the earth's molten matter circulates throughout the planet's core heat, pressure and steam build up with no place to go. When this happens tiny canals are formed as the earth erodes from the intensity and eventually it has no place to go. That is when a volcano erupts, and that is exactly what happens with people that keep their emotions inside. Who knew anger management class was so full of scientific information?
When she entered middle school things were a little different. Everyone else looked more like she did. They were fuller and taller and even some of the boys were beginning to get taller than her. She still wasn't the thinnest girl in school and definitely wasn't on the popular side. Shy was still the one word people would use to describe her, and she didn't make an effort to change that. While most girls were using their spare time to climb up the social ladder, reading and focusing on nothing less than straight As. By the end of middle school she had lost her best friend to drugs and sex, but she had a perfect 4.0 grade point average.
The first day of high school was terrifying. A school of over a thousand students may be an easier place to hide among the other Plain-Jane faces but it was also easier for her to inadvertently get into trouble. She had the fears that almost every incoming freshman had. She had seen the TV shows and movies where the freshman were the main targets of everyone else, and she was so afraid she wouldn't be able to find her classes-being late meant drawing attention to herself.
Half-way through the year she began to get more used to the idea of letting other people into her personal life, she realized not everyone was a jerk and the people who had been in previous years were growing out of it. There was still that hesitant impulse to pull back into her shell though, and she was getting scared at how much harder high school was academically than middle school had been... her grades were As, Bs and Cs. At conferences it was discovered that a lot of times she had done the assignments but didn't turn them in mainly because of anxiety to get up and put them in the turn in boxes.
Tenth grade was the worst of all the years. That was the year that she started hating herself enough to cut herself for the first time. The first time wasn't so deep but she could feel her blood spiked with endorphins and somehow the outer pain numbed the inner pain. It was easy to hid the cuts from her friends and family, because she normally wore long sleeves and jeans due to the insecurity about her image.
The blades eventually weren't enough. Soon she started on prescription cough syrup with added codeine. She tested her limits as she took more and more each time, seeing how far she could go before she got more than the usual high. After a while it took more and more to get even just the regular feelings though. Her parents eventually found out about all of the harmful habits she had picked up.
It happened when the police showed up at their front door one night. A man from a nearby town that had been talking to her on an online game site had gotten scared when she told him she felt like slitting her wrists and then refused to stay on and talk with him and called 911. He still had her address from a Christmas card she had sent him a few months prior. The only way the cops would leave was if her parents promised to take her to therapy, and that's where she started getting antidepressants and sleeping pills.
Although intended to help, she quickly got curious and began taking more and more sleeping pills than she was ever supposed to. She started by just taking one more than the recommended dosage, but it quickly grew into five, ten, fifteen more pills than the bottle told her to take. She would pass out for hours and then wake up cold and more alone than ever. Her head throbbing out of control and her stomach churning like she had the stomach flu.
The next summer at the church camp she went to every summer, she changed her direction completely. Her blades were thrown into the big bonfire at the end of camp, and she promised herself she would stop her overdosing tendencies. This was all find and well, even when her boyfriend dumped her in the cruelest of ways she remained true to her self proclaimed promises.
It wasn't until she failed her first class that she couldn't handle the stress anymore. She began cutting again. Worse than before and this time she wasn't looking for a release of the inner pain temporarily. She dug deeper and deeper trying to make herself bleed enough to hurt her more seriously... or possibly indefinitely release her from her agony.
Senior year came quickly, she was now on new medications which included emergency anxiety pills. She had a wonderful boyfriend, despite the long distance, and she thought everything was going great. The panic attacks were more frequent than the depression, which she felt was a good thing, but the depression was still there.
She struggled to make the grades she would need to graduate and had given up on being perfect long ago. She was more of a dreamer these days than anything else. She couldn't focus as well as she used to be able to, and this obviously affected her work ethic. She had enough motivation in her at least to do what had to be done.
Somehow she ended up proudly walking across the stage and receiving that oh so important documentation declaring her completion of high school. Summer was now upon her once again, and her relationship with her boyfriend was deteriorating faster than she could catch her breath. It made all the desires to hurt come back stronger than before, but she knew she had to fight it, it was the only rational answer.
Looking herself up and down in this mirror made her wish she had just walked on by it, she couldn't think of anything she truly loved about herself inside or out, and even though she had been told more than once, she didn't feel beautiful.
She had many complaints about her appearance. Her breasts were too large as well as her thighs, her legs were way too muscular, and her arms were too flabby, her stomach wasn't bad, except for how fleshy it was and she had only made it worse by marking it up with scars... as she dressed herself for bed after her shower, she wondered if she would ever feel good about herself...
~I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go. I'm everything you need me to be~
“Never lose faith in yourself,
and never lose hope;
remember, even when this world throws its worst and then turns its back,
there is still always hope.”
~I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go. I'm everything you need me to be~
