Contains Abuse - Some Crap Floating Around On My Mind *triggering, rape, abuse*

[~phoenix~]

Why oh why can I never tell anyone what I truly feel about them? Darrell's the exception.



I've yet to tell my parents that I hate the misogynistic, racist, homophobic claptrap they come out with.



I've yet to tell my brother that I hate him for belittling me so much, on so many occassions, and for being so willing to not pay me back a hefty sum he owes me, which left me completely ****ed earlier this year.



I've yet to tell my family I hate the fact that, my sister-in-law aside, no one really listened when my world was falling apart. I was told I was in the wrong for not letting Jamie near Darrell after the split, yet no one ever asked "what really went on," to understand why I felt that way. I had to rely on new friends, and Him (not Jamie)


I've yet to tell Jamie that I hate him for tearing my life apart, destroying what little confidence I had to start with, and leaving me with a permanent reminder of how much he hates me. Sometimes, I look at Darrell and remember that he was conceived through a rape. He'll ask one day. I won't be able to tell him. No child deserves that. Other times, I look at Darrell, and remember Jamie about to punch me in the stomach when I was 6 months pregnant. There nearly wasn't a Darrell. He nearly killed the only thing that keeps me going.



I've yet to tell Him that I've always been in love with him. He gave me the strength to leave Jamie. He reminded me that I was worth so much more. We won't ever be together, I know that, but he was the only person that made me realise I didn't deserve the **** from Jamie. I cut him out of my life for four years. Anyone else would have left it at that, but when he found a way to keep in touch, he took it.
Why can't I tell anyone what I feel? Ever?

[teenytineytori]

It sounds like you know exactly how you feel. That is good. Sometimes people just feel angry and bad and don't know why.

Is there any chance writing a letter would help?
Or trying to take each thing piece by piece and finding a way to deal with it in a healthy way without telling anyone?

I know I have done that. I needed to figure out how to deal with my mom and dad because even if I told them they were not going to change. So, I just wrote it down in a long letter then took out the individual peices that were important and figured out how to deal with each piece on my own and possibilities why those things had gone on and realized it had nothing at all to do with me.

I hope you feel better.

((hugs))

[Margo]

Kim thats an awful lot of hate! You will need help dealing with this else it will do nothing but eat you up!

One thing you can do now which may help is to have virtuqal conversations with them in the mirror. Imagine they are there and just let rip! I know it sounds wierd but it can help a lot!

I cant remember any of the smart quotes regarding carrying around hate, but the only person you will hurt by not dealing with it and letting go is yourself. Alas ultimately somewhere along the line you will need to learn to forgive. This doesnt mean advocating or fogetting the things they did, but it is a process by which you can put things at ease to help you move on.

Big hugs

Matthew
(sorry that wasnt much help at all)